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Hi Gary,

Sleep is VERY difficult when your mind won't shut off and the anxiety level is high. Flashbacks, at least for me, also generally tend to mean I won't sleep that night.. so if I have a few days in a row where I've been having flashbacks, pretty much I can guarentee that I will not sleep for a while...

I'm glad you found MS, though not happy that you needed to. But I hope it helps you, bro.

I don't post a WHOLE lot, but I do make occassional posts here and there in this folder and this thread... I guess this is a tracking thread for me... it's helped my T, as well, I occassionally print out my own posts to bring with me to sessions. It sometimes helps that way, too, since I can write and type. (I can't verbalize really. Not really, not without dissociating hard usually.)

I hope you are able to find the resources and assistance you need to heal, bro. It's a hard road.

CruxFidelis,

Thanks. It wasn't a nice stay. It was aspirant pneumonia. *grumbles* I'm down to nectar thick liquids and altered food textures. I have a lot of throat/swallowing issues from the SA. Huge gag reflex, some damage to some of the tissues in the throat, etc, it all combined basically leads to high risks of aspiration if I can actually get anything past my throat, and that's what did it.

I hate the altered diet/liquids... but it's the only way I can eat/drink anything right now without aspirating on it, so I'll do it. At least it gets the nutrition in, and I don't seem to have the gag reflex on the smooth food textures, so stuff is actually making it down.

I've actually managed to gain 6 pounds this month. Which is a huge stepping stone for me. I've been struggling just to 'maintain' without losing up to this point!

I am just plain PISSED off anymore lately. Post-confrontation with someone who should REALLY have known better than to say what they said... I am ROYALLY pissed off. Mad enough that sis is even being careful of my temper right now and that is no good either.

Working on a letter. It's going to get submitted to a couple of local newspapers. Not attaching my name to it. Will be sending it anonymously. Hoping it will give me a good way to channel the rage into something constructive and maybe start chipping away at it until I've simmered down again.

And even if it never makes it into print, SOMEONE has to FARKING read it in order to turn it down, goddammit! So SOMEONE will have read it at least!

Been pounding the crap out of the heavy bag the last several days. Just plain, out and out, PISSED. F*ing sick and tired of being kicked in the teeth, and f*ing sick and tired of people shoving their goddamned heads up their arses to hide from the real world, just because they don't like it.

Fuck him. That is all.

I am fine. I just needed to blow off steam.

'Nuff said.