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#380691 - 12/26/11 12:56 AM Well its official..I'm a loser
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Yep, the votes are all in and I am the biggest loser (no not in that great reality show way). Sometime on Tuesday, my 11 year old niece will have more relationship experience than I do. I just overheard my sister-in-law that she is going on a date with a boy this Tuesday. I didn't ask any further but I'll assume its probably just a innocent chaperoned "date" at the movies, where if things go well they might just might hold hands. My abuse happened in the 7th grade when I was 13 and I have NEVER been out on a date. Closest thing I've had to a date would have been in 8th grade when while on a overnight field trip to Washington, DC, a girl in my class asked me out and I accepted. The next day on the bus we broke up even before we had even thought of a date. Dont really recall but the best I can piece together from yearbooks (what she wrote in mine) is that I stupidly asked when we were going to have sex. I guess she had somewhat of a reputation and my view of dating was warped from the abuse and from the hormones of a 14 year old boy in general.

So lets see lets review

Me: 33 year old man whose relationship experience amounts to a 8 hour "relationship" (of which 7 of the 8 hours were spent sleeping..and not with each other) in name only almost 20 years ago.

My niece: 11 year old girl who as of Tuesday will have been on her first date.

Sorry for feeling sorry for myself, but I figure if I don't who will LOL




_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#380700 - 12/26/11 08:12 AM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: onlyakid]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
So why not go to a movie with someone you like?

You could do it today and beat your niece!

It's just a movie.....who do u want to ask?

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#380716 - 12/26/11 11:22 AM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1338
Loc: kansas
understand oak...

i'll be 41 in a month and never been married, don't have any kids
yet i have a 20 year old niece that is married and has 2 daughters...

i love 'em dearly but.....

*sighs*.... reminds me of how much of a loser i am too.

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#380718 - 12/26/11 11:38 AM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: Mountainous Buck]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Sure, I could probably do that. Hell, I could probably go online join one of these hookup sites and get laid before she even has her first date. Bottom line is that this is just a metophore for my whole life. Here I am at 33 she could easily be my daughter (If she was that would be cool. Very funny, pretty, nice respectful girl. Why god blessed my perp with her is beyond me), I guess im just feeling sorry for myself. In some respects 2011 was a good year but overall my life sucks. I also feel embarassed.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#380719 - 12/26/11 11:46 AM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: onlyakid]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: onlyakid
...Sorry for feeling sorry for myself, but I figure if I don't who will LOL


i think it is ok to feel this way sometimes. and i understand your point about who else would, if we don't ourselves?

me also thinks: someone who is here on this board, seeking answers to surviving life, asking questions, observing, sharing with others and analyzing our feelings makes one far from a loser. smile in fact a guy with your charm, openness, humor and insight makes for a pretty remarkable man!

as for relationships, my observations are not what some may call the norm. lol. chat with me about never having a relationship when you reach early 40s... so 10 years? up until that point, i firmly believe anything is possible and worth the effort to keep trying. after that point, it is another world entirely. ;-)

_________________________
Jeff

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#380721 - 12/26/11 12:08 PM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: westchesterguy]
Juan Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 20
Deleted



Edited by Juan (01/05/12 08:58 AM)

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#380723 - 12/26/11 12:12 PM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: onlyakid]
Incognito Offline


Registered: 04/17/11
Posts: 105
Originally Posted By: onlyakid
Sure, I could probably do that.


If there is someone you would like to go out with, my advice would be to ask her. What I have learned early into the recovery process is that I cannot fully recovery without putting myself out there and being vulnerable again. It sucks to open yourself up to an opportunity of failure but it's something I need to do and I doubt I'm the only one. Getting over the hump of asking someone out is a big deal. Who cares if it doesn't work out? You already asked her and won the first battle.

_________________________
"If you're willing to carry the weight, feel the strain, push past the pain, and give more of yourself than others expect of you, the world is yours." - Dave Tate

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#380736 - 12/26/11 03:30 PM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: Incognito]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6454
Loc: Right Behind You!
I don't like this thread....but I understand it. Being older than you guys, you know I wrote the book: "Being a Loser In a Sick Society."

Excerpts from the good book:

-Don't compare yourself to the MTV world. Who wants to be like them? THAT would be a true disgrace.

-Being different began a long time ago for the sexually abused. It began the moment you were sexually abused.

-Don't look in the mirror for the guy to blame. Look for the perp's address.

Why does this only make sense when I'm trying to help others?

_________________________
Keep the others in your life happy - Comply Comply Comply

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#380747 - 12/26/11 05:00 PM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: onlyakid]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Only a kid.

I appreciate the humour of the situation, but the irony is not missed.
Healing from CSA is a choice that we make each and every day. The one thing I found that I needed to do to heal myself was to not speak evil over my self.
I was always my own worst enemy, when others saw great things (namely my wife) I saw only the worst of me, whilst all this was true, I was not a product of only bad things. There were a lot of good things in my life.
So, although you might feel like a loser at this point in time, it might be a good idea to work on those good points that you have to offer.
Everyone I have ever met, has something good to offer the world.

An old man I met years ago used to tell me that there is no such thing as a ugly woman, although there may be parts of her that aren't attractive in a societal way, if you search hard enough you will find one aspect of her that is beautiful.
I find this to be true of all people, If we search hard enough we will find the beauty in everyone, especially ourselves.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#381302 - 01/02/12 08:18 PM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: whome]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
No losers here.


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#381314 - 01/02/12 09:44 PM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: Thebo]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1669
Agree and only winners or future winners!!!


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#381322 - 01/02/12 11:13 PM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: KMCINVA]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
It is tough what happens to us because of abuse. Huge walls go up. I am trying to break down the walls I have put up. It has been a hard haul in a lot of ways, as I am sure many can relate. You are not alone feeling like a loser. I think it can come with the territory. But it is not true. You are one tough survivor that has not given up, and those that have never had to fight this fight have no clue how much courage it takes. Just keep working on taking those walls down. And as someone else said, no need to compare to others. Not everyone has had to deal with this kind of stuff. It changes everything and creates huge challenges. But keep up the effort, it is worth it.

Eric


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#383621 - 01/27/12 08:38 AM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: Mountainous Buck]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Originally Posted By: Mountainous Buck
So why not go to a movie with someone you like?


I'm guessing you know this is what you need to do... however,

The part that hard for me, is, how I sometimes feel completely out of step with my peers and the world. For your niece, ... the expectations of her date is that perhaps they might hold hands and that's probably enough to "process" and explore. And, people around her and him will hopeful be available to help them figure that out. And fitting in to that whole social context is a huge part of it. Their friends will comment, etc. Perhaps she or he would even sometime try a date with the same sex and deal with all that would probably bring up. Or deal with ruling that out. We're still just holding hands here. Maybe. Or not. That's where she's at and her peers too, everyone around them are geared for that, etc. All is well.

You, however, on that first date had some very adult expectations from ...(interaction with adults shall I say, CSA). That stopped the process then and has left you out of sync with most 33 year olds now. Perhaps on when you ask someone out next, you could make space for a part of you that is really just looking to have a date like in your niece's world. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. Take it really, really slowly and listen to yourself. Try to find people who you can talk to who will "get it" because we have some different stuff going on.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#383641 - 01/27/12 02:38 PM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: Obi]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1204
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 11:33 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#383653 - 01/27/12 03:57 PM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: lapchinj]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
What you say makes so much sense to me. We are all rather emotionally crippled in one way or another. I loved girls when I was a young teen and infatuations created waves of emotional crests all through that period. Unfortunately, I was also involved in an intense molestive (is that a word?) relationship at the time. The guy who was doing me was also doing my baby sister and most of the little girls her age in the neighborhood. I used to think he was cool, but he crossed the pubertal fence ahead of me (I was 12 and he was 15), and next thing I knew I was having sex with him just so he wouldn’t be doing the same thing to my sister. It worked to a point - I emptied his “revolver” so he couldn’t shoot but as I recently learned, I didn't stop it nearly as much as I had hoped...

What I share here is in the spirit of what this site is about – shared experience. I have no answers for you or for myself, but at least I have learned to understand many of the dynamics – at least for ME. Maybe that might help you – or maybe not.

This does tie in to what you are saying, because while I stared out idolizing my friend (he was like a big brother – and I had no brothers), it suddenly turned dark and ominous and secret and dirty. The shame was intense, and I absolutely hated him for everything that our “friendship” became. But more importantly, I decided there was NO WAY I would be “him” to anyone else. In my simple little black and white world of naïve sexuality, there were those who f*cked and those who got f*cked. It was that simple. Both roles were despicable, but if I had a choice – and I didn’t – I saw “him” as being more despicable than me or my sister. So I suppose I embraced my role with him in that sense. Maybe I embraced it because I had no choice, but I certainly felt complicit when he pushed my buttons. It didn’t mean I wouldn’t have stopped it if I could have – I certainly would have and remember saying “Please, no!” many times, and eventually ended up “running away”.

So girls quickly fell apart for me. I would put my arm around a girl and feel like “him”. I would kiss a girl and feel like “him”. I hated who and what I felt like when I was around girls. I loved them but couldn’t do a thing about it. And when I got near them, I thought of what I secretly did the weekend before, the night before. I couldn’t reconcile my life with my desires – a tremendous internal disconnect.

Maybe if the abuse never happened to me I never would have experienced SSA to this extent – but I am careful not to blame SSA as the enemy. But the fact is that instead of girls, I kept to myself and the molestation continued quite regularly and frequently until I moved across the country (I wonder why…). When I did find myself alone in California, I thought perhaps I left all the crap behind – but instead ended in bed with guys – loving the attention and probably re-enacting to a huge extent as if trying to work it through ... again and again. There were a couple of girls – but those relationships were emotional infatuations and I never allowed them to progress to anything sexual.

We can't always solve the problems we have, OaK, but - for me at least - maybe it helps when we have a better idea where it's all coming from.

_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#383656 - 01/27/12 04:49 PM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: Chase Eric]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
........And when I got near them, I thought....


"i could never do that to a girl, especially someone i liked."

is that what you are saying? if so, we'd be quoting each other. :-)

sounds like such a simple, uncomplicated nuance to resolve though, no?

as a rational adult we can say, "well, being with a girl isn't the same at all -- we were forced to be with a guy, and here this nice lady wants to be with us, because she likes us and finds nothing harmful or grotesque about mutual respect, appreciation and sex."

so, what happens now though? the clock is ticking. some here, including myself, have only a few years left to live.

to all guys here really - rather than say "i'm a loser" -- what is wrong with just saying, "i lost"? i lost one of thousands of life's many battles... no one - anywhere - wins them all. its not possible.

can't we just try to win the next one and/or the next, by using what we know and have learned from navigating an earlier defeat?


_________________________
Jeff

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#383690 - 01/28/12 12:36 AM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: westchesterguy]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
Originally Posted By: westchesterguy
...to all guys here really - rather than say "i'm a loser" -- what is wrong with just saying, "i lost"? i lost one of thousands of life's many battles... no one - anywhere - wins them all. its not possible.

can't we just try to win the next one and/or the next, by using what we know and have learned from navigating an earlier defeat?

Precisely

_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#383700 - 01/28/12 05:41 AM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: Thebo]
SkyClad Offline


Registered: 01/27/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Saskatchewan
If we are writing here, we have been abused, sexually abused. If we have been sexually abused, we have lost more than the rest of the world will ever understand, can understand.

I am lucky. Sexually abused by mother, grandfather and at least three different priests and somehow I managed to slip into Deep Denial via PTSD and forget all about it long enough to get married, have three children and a career.

I was lucky, but I was also all alone in that crowd of people, afraid of so much, unable to make friends, always at distance, always a stranger in a strange land.

It's okay being a loser, but one needs to stop being a victim and become a survivor. Today in my 60s I am still broken inside, but it's okay. I survived and risked leaving letting the truth out. My kids know, my wife knows, and some trusted others in my life now know.

We all have lost, we all are losers - but, we are so much more.

_________________________
I am a retired educator and not quite so retired psychotherapist. My blog sites are "Through a Jungian Lens" and "SkyClad Therapy."

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#383711 - 01/28/12 08:32 AM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: SkyClad]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: SkyClad
...If we have been sexually abused, we have lost more than the rest of the world will ever understand, can understand. ...We all have lost, we all are losers - but, we are so much more.


skyclad, i think the world understands more than we care to admit.

but it is that outside, collective denial where safety resides. i wish i could get a piece of that action for living in denial is a bloody breeze!

nonetheless, we threaten their safety and their optimistic outlook of life, liberty and happiness. we shatter their glass houses and in turn perpetuate this concept that "we are" the losers so to speak. they blame us for bursting their bubble since we can't handle.... a little unfortunate incident years ago.

i say this because you mentioned, omg, five abusers. dear lady friend of mine was the daughter of a state senator and in that circle, back in the 1960s, some of the children, herself included, were "loaned" out as sex toys to other politicians, judges, police etc. in the larger tex/la/ark/okla region. all was fine if you towed the line. she didn't. and after she had a child of her own she wanted to break that cycle and rallied against the men responsible for so much damage. "the establishment," that same body of righteousness that we should trust not only labeled her a loser, but trumped-up molestation charges against her and the system took away her son. they put him in foster care where he was molested for many years until he ran away - back to her and they lived on the lam.

there is absolutely no evidence whatsoever in 2012 that anything in that power-elite has changed.

society does not want to know the truth, because with that new found knowledge they would have to act.

truth does not set one free -- it threatens to destroy every belief one holds / held in god, democracy, nation, and people.

this is why i think male survivors lost: because we were and are largely alone.

that is the cycle of fate we must break. here and now.

it is also why i think our only chance to turn life into a few "wins" is by coming together. but not here. not in the cloud so to speak. in person - face2face - by networking, supporting each others' business, helping each other find a job, sharing an extra football ticket, meeting out for dinner -etc.- you get the idea.

that has to be the next step, in my view, safety in numbers -- battle of the wits as its us against them -- and ensures, at least, that we don't lose again.


_________________________
Jeff

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#383715 - 01/28/12 09:13 AM Re: Well its official..I'm a loser [Re: LandOfShadow]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Originally Posted By: LandOfShadow
How I sometimes feel completely out of step with my peers and the world. For your niece, ... the expectations of her date is that perhaps they might hold hands and that's probably enough to "process" and explore. And, people around her and him will hopeful be available to help them figure that out. And fitting in to that whole social context is a huge part of it. Their friends will comment, etc. Perhaps she or he would even sometime try a date with the same sex and deal with all that would probably bring up. Or deal with ruling that out. We're still just holding hands here. Maybe. Or not. That's where she's at and her peers too, everyone around them are geared for that, etc. All is well.

You, however, on that first date had some very adult expectations from ...(interaction with adults shall I say, CSA). That stopped the process then and has left you out of sync with most 33 year olds now. Perhaps on when you ask someone out next, you could make space for a part of you that is really just looking to have a date like in your niece's world. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. Take it really, really slowly and listen to yourself. Try to find people who you can talk to who will "get it" because we have some different stuff going on.


I agree with you, I had rather adult expectations for my first date I guess.

*possible triggers* (quote from perp/possibly graphic)
Where that came from as you rightly suggest was my abuse where my brother 16 almost 17 at the time planted that this was what relationships were about. He asked me if I was "practicing for anyone special" during the abuse. Or something like that, the details are still sketchy for me. I also remember when she called (we were on a overnight trip staying in a hotel with the 2 or 3 other boys in one room and the girls in a few rooms. My 8th grade class was SMALL. There were something like 11 kids, 4 boys and 7 girls if I recall), that I was expecting her to sneak in to my room. I remember going in the bathroom and using some sort of breath freshener (scope a mint or something). I dont recall what exactly I was expecting, makeout, oral sex or what.

In any event while I think that 14 is a little more adult expectation then my 11 year old neice, it was skewed by the abuse and the breakup did something to stop me from moving any further.

I guess your right, now I feel "out of step/out of sync" with my 33 year old peers and that is part of why I have not persued anything like dating.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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