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#380634 - 12/25/11 04:03 AM the christmas eve that wasn't
redsox046 Offline


Registered: 09/06/10
Posts: 56
Loc: BOSTON
Kinda hurting right now, just need to get this down in writing and maybe get some feed back on what to do next. Just a little background information....My dad has been neglecting and treating like shit me and my sister for the majority of our lives, even with our constant best efforts to reach out to him and to make him happy. He grew up without a father and was neglected by his mother, but just like an abuse victim has no right or excuse to abuse anyone else, a parent has no right or excuse to neglect their child even if they were neglected.....The problem with my dad is that he always blames everything and everyone else for what is wrong and never takes responsibility for anything. Neither of us had ever confronted him about it before....but tonight was different
My dad essential ditched me and my sister on christmas eve when we were supposed to be going to his cousins house for a big christmas party like we do every year (not even close to the first time he's done something like this). I told him to come pick us up at our moms house and when he got there he yelled out the window of his car "Im not going". My sister told him to come inside and when he got out of his car he started screaming and swearing at her for seemingly no reason. He dropped a bag of presents off that he wanted us to give to some people at the party and said "you guys go, if you happen to stop by my apartment after, well then thats great" and then he just left. My sister burst into tears and said that we should go to the party my mom was at. I told her i would meet her there, but i had to take care of something first. I then drove over to my dad's apartment, ran up the stairs, ponded on his door, and when he opened it, i got right up in his face and yelled "you got a fuckin problem!?!?!, you just made your daughter cry!!!!!, this is christmas eve, what the fuck!!!!, why are you ditching us?!?!?!" He then demanded that i leave, and after screaming and swearing at him some more, i finally did. I then went to the party my mom and sister were at, and thought and talked about what to do about my dad. I got my sister to go back with me after that party was over, to tell him that we loved him and that we really care about him and to try to express our strong desire for him to get some further mental health assistance (even though he is already on anti-depressant and anxiety meds and has been in therapy for almost 10 years). During our talk with him(which was relatively calm at the time), i flat out told him that i could have easily kicked him out of my life because of the way he treats me and my sister, but that i never wanted to because i loved him and cared about him a lot...his response to that was "well, why don't you". That very statement right there caused my heart to break in two. It then turned into a shouting match and he told me that i was never welcome over his apartment ever again and that he never wanted to see me again. My final words to him were, "go fuck yourself, alright?!?!?!" After we left, my sister told me that she was so proud of me for finally telling him what he really needed to hear and for voicing her own feelings for her. I love my dad, i don't want to lose him...i tried to reach out to him hundreds of times, i tried to make excuse for him and to apologize to him for things that i knew were his fault and not mine in order to keep the peace....but ultimately i just don't know what to do anymore. Luckily i have the greatest, most loving mother on earth to compensate....thank you for listening.
Merry Christmas and God Bless,
Nick



Edited by redsox046 (12/25/11 04:10 AM)

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#380635 - 12/25/11 04:43 AM Re: the christmas eve that wasn't [Re: redsox046]
TheTwoOfUs Offline


Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
Nick,

I don't know you very well, but from where I sit, it looks like you and your sis have done everything you can to try and show him some support, keep him in the family, keep the peace, etc.

It sounds to me like he needs some additional help that maybe he's not getting, or, if he's been with the same T for ten years, maybe he might need a new one if nothing's changing?

Not a mental health proffessional - but just my initial thoughts.

On the other hand - his inability to relate to and be part of, his children's lives should not be shouldered by you and/or your sis. It is not within your control, not within your grasp to change, and ultimately, the responsibility for his actions falls on him...

You have enough on your plate already. Likely so does your sis. Not to be cruel to you, your sis, or your pop - but it might be time to do as he so carelessly said - and stay away from him for a while.

Let him come to you. And the next time he does, lay down some boundaries... things you will not allow to be crossed - and then enforce those boundaries. If he does not come, he does not come... but to continue to subject yourself to actions like this is pointless, and will only continue to wound you. And as I said - the responsibility for his actions should fall squarely on him. Not you.

Now, if he does come around and begin to repair how he deals with his children, then excellent, wonderful. I'm not saying completely cut him off forever, but it definitely sounds like right now, you need some space from him aand vice versa, because at the moment, things are not going to do you, your sis, or him any good the way they are.

That's my take on it, for what it's worth.

_________________________
Matthew

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

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#380662 - 12/25/11 05:46 PM Re: the christmas eve that wasn't [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
redsox046 Offline


Registered: 09/06/10
Posts: 56
Loc: BOSTON
Thank you for the response and the advice...i agree that i should give it time and wait for him to come to me. i feel like this is going to make it more difficult for me to recover from the CSA because it just adds to the feelings of worthlessness and betrayal, but i just gotta dig deep and find the strength to pull through and nothing and no one is going to stop me. No retreat, no surrender.
Nick


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#380671 - 12/25/11 09:20 PM Re: the christmas eve that wasn't [Re: redsox046]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi redsox,

I think that both you and your sister have done all you could do in this situation. You both have reached out to your dad, only to be rebuffed in your attempts. Like TheTwoOfUs said, it's time for "Tough Love." Let Dad come to you. Both of you are being emotionally abuseed and you don't need this while you deal with your abuse.

You don't have to not love your Dad; he is afterall your Dad. Just let him make the first move towards repairing the relationship with you and your sister. Good luck with this and hopefully your Dad will come to see this as your eyes are.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#380714 - 12/26/11 10:36 AM Re: the christmas eve that wasn't [Re: Sailor John]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Sorry for the different take on this

You know the saying,"never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes" I see a lot of pain in all of you, including your father. No father really wants to hurt his children, and like wise no child ever wants to hurt their parents, but Christmas often brings out the worst in us.
I wonder if your father has not endured CSA in his life and just hasn't dealt with it. Why would someone want to shout and swear at their daughter. I have a twelve year old, she is my life. There is a special bond between father and daughter, that why I question his behaviour, there is a lot of pain there, and this is transferring onto you and your sister.

Not a cure but purely an observation.

I hope that he looses this hurt before it is to late, and I hope that you all can reconcile, that's my Christmas wish for you all.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#380717 - 12/26/11 11:34 AM Re: the christmas eve that wasn't [Re: whome]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
I am one of the only guys here who really know you Nick.

You are a very bright incredibly caring man.

Nothing stops recovery Nick.....nothing. That's the deal you and I made.

He was wrong, we both know it. We both know the incredible son he has as well.

I'm so sorry for the pain you feel today.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#380720 - 12/26/11 12:05 PM Re: the christmas eve that wasn't [Re: whome]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro

Unfortunetly my wife & I have a lot of experience with this kind of parental figure. My mother inlaw was a physically & mentally abused girl/woman by her father. She went on to marry to get out of the house, have 6 kids to try for a boy to please her father, who couldn't ever be pleased, even tho she named the kid after him... He destroyed his daughter & tried to destroy her family. My MIL never got any help with any of this. While she did "better" than her father with raising her kids, she ruined her family anyway. After 22 years of marriage my wife finally does not call or write her anymore, she has given up trying to be the "best little girl in the world". She realised that she, like her mother will never get the love & affirmation that she seeks & deserves as a child from her parent. For years she endured the put downs, being treated like a red headed step child. Visiting, calling, buying groceries were seen as an afront by her mother, she was damned if she did, damned if she didn't. Her mother turned into the grandfather more and more. Everytime my wife made contact with her, it would ruin my wife's day-week. She finally came to realise that it would never happen and that she couldn't save her mother, that she could only save herself.

Since my wife has learned about my issues, how abuse issues fester. She has been able to see why & how it affected her mother in childhood and as an adult. She understands it & has forgiven her, prays for her, but for my wife's own mental health she just can't deal with her anymore.

This has consumed a lot of my wife's mental & emotional strength, don't let it consume another 20 years of yours. Try to identify a point at which you'll tell him that the ball is in his court. Keep in mind though, some people never grow or change, so try to come to some kind of peace with that if that is the case.


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