Hello guys,

Well, it seems it's me again with another SSA conundrum. Here's what I experienced and my ideas about it. I really would appreciate your comments

*May contain triggers*
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I just had a non-abusive homoerotic dream. So many interesting things here to ponder:

In the dream, I was in a wedding party. A 16 year old girl was getting married because she was pregnant. I was gobsmacked that she was pregnant so young, and felt like I never want to experience that. Then there was a guy in the party (one of the guests) and I called another man to join us in some kind of 'circle jerk' in a bathroom. Then we had trouble finding the right place, but we finally found it.

The bathroom walls were dark blue, high ceiling, it was not very good (looking) and floor was so wet and humid, and with poor light. These details caught my attention.

I recall there was arousal, but no emotional content or romantic behavior.

Right when were about to start something, I woke up, and I felt uneasy.

Is this ok?

--
My thoughts about it since I'm very introspective:

-I have always had an incredible, ridiculously high need for male bonding and recognition. As I've said before, I do not fit in the typical male stereotype. I know the versions of "I don't have to, I need to define what being a man is for me" but it's overwhelmingly difficult. I want to be treated like and equal, and most importantly, feel like an equal, like I belong. This is probably one of the things I need desperately.

Richard Gartner wrote in one of his books that some survivors seem to 'give up' on their masculinities, like they have lost a piece they can't replace. I feel like that.

I haven't been able to have a relationship with a woman because not only I am frozen in front of them, I can't trust them (or alternatively, I don't trust myself), I don't know it's like their skin, their sight is a hard test for me, it demands that missing masculinity piece which would make me feel like I am entitled to do things. It's a repetitive feeling of isolation and hopelessness.

On the other hand, because of my lack of this type of relationships, I have been told by so many that I am homosexual. I have nothing against homosexuality, I just do not feel like I am homosexual. I do not feel a need for romantic and affectionate bonds with men, I want to feel like them. Once, I said in less elaborate words: I want to switch places with other guys and experience what they feel.

Then how can I say I am straight if I can't even picture myself with a woman because of my internal problems. Even if you ask me to fantasize about them, it's just too much work, because not even in a fantasy I have that missing piece. Also, I've had experiences with women that told me that "I am a nice guy, but they don't see me as a 'man' for them". One of my best friends (female) told me even that from a distance, she couldn't tell if I was a boy or a girl. These are triggering things

My family, on a side note, is pushing me for marriage and mate selection because it is a cultural thing here. They get so worried and they don't listen to explanations. I don't provide the kind of explanation I provide here, because they will simply not understand a word and will keep labeling me as something I am not.

I have a feeling deep inside, that I would like to be a caring father with a loving wife. It's an idea that makes me sad and happy at the same time. I just see the road so unclear now so as to get there.

The last few days I had existential feelings and some depression too. I don't even know who I can talk to.

I don't know what a "ridiculously high" need for male bonding is, but I know many of us never experienced healthy bonding growing up-and part of recovery is to walk slowly thru safe experiences that instill in us healthy affirmation, intimacy and expression - all avenues that SA damages.

How are you Finding healthy outlets and ways to grow up?

With women, I found the one date at a time worked well. Keep moving forward.

Luis,

Please talk to ME.

I have almost identical issues. So much of what you wrote resounded in me.

I have learned a few things. Nothing of VITAL importance, but some interesting stuff.

PM me if you're interested in hearing them.

Otherwise, I hope you find your answers, bro. (And share them. )

Your loving brother, as always,

Bobcat

Thanks for the comments.

Ah dating for me is so difficult, both due to CSA issues, my personality and the fact that I really can not trust someone else.

I see people's eyes and I can't see the good in them if I walk to a private level. Also, when dating, I feel I'm reading>

For everything I didn't learn,
I need to find ways to learn those things- step outside my comfort zone, stretch, risk, get support to move ahead-find people to help me.

I identify, too.

I am starting to change my definition of being a man from how well I perform sexually with a woman. I had sex with men, too, and I am not gay and tried to randomly try to have relationships with men but it never took because it never felt natural. I always had female relationships. I've now stayed away from the dynamic where I am in relationships with females that are more "friend" based in order to make room to bond with men and my own masculinity. It is starting to happen and I am starting to feel like I want to be me and no one else.

For so many years, I tried to be the football loving "guy" who was all "guy" and was defined by certain actions. Now, I can watch football with some interest but never forcing myself to do it. I'm not ever going to be a guy who is into his city's teams. That to me has nothing to do with my being a man. The less I feel the need to prove to others that I am as much a man as any other guy, the more comfortable I feel.

I'm like you - a piece of my masculinity was missing. But I'm finding it. Straight guys are doing this search, too. Warrior men and movements like that are for straight guys who don't feel like men either. It just so happens that our lack of masculinity played out differently but, to me, it has the same root causes.

People do not realize how CSA can rob you of part of your masculinity and can cause confusion about sexual identity and orientation. A need to fill a void that has been robbed when we were children. I too am learning who I am and I am not the person who acted out to reclaim control of the abuse--which I now know can never be achieved. I am once again becoming who I was before all the memories, flashbacks and recognition of the abuse. I am finding that lost piece that was taken 45 years ago. The confusion is being eliminated, it has been a hard road of questioning myself but I am feeling comfortable in my own skin-as should everybody else. Lfb quoted Richard Gartner who wrote in one of his books that some survivors seem to 'give up' on their masculinity, like they have lost a piece they can't replace." I felt that way for sometime as I began to relive the trauma of the abuse but now I know I am reclaiming that lost masculinity.

Juliet Summers posted something in her information thread was hugely helpful. She was quoting another T when she said " CSA hides your sense of sexuality, even from yourself". That was hugely helpful in understanding why some things just did not fit.

She suggested to not get caught up in the whatfor's and the why's?
"Try loving yourself. If that is too hard at first, then try finding just one little bit of yourself you like - perhaps an ear or a toe. Try finding some things in your personality you like too - perhaps your creativity or sense of humour or compassion. Work on these things until you can accept all of yourself. It may take years but that's ok too - you have the whole rest of your life."

It will come to you, some sooner or some later like me. But that inner little voice when listened to, will lead you where you will be. Trust it.