*** *** Triggering *** ***

I haven't posted on this site in over a year and I've never posted anything in the Survivor Stories area.

My story as much as I can remember is below, but before I begin I feel the need to share some thoughts about other's stories. In reading some some of your experiences I sometimes wonder how each of you survived through such horrific times.

I sometimes feel guilty and weak for having my problems with such "mild" memories compared to others. In truth I'm not really sure what happened to me because I do not remember most of it.

My parents got married because Dad got mom pregnant in college. Not really sure if they would've married except for that. In any event, after college they moved for my Dad's job and here is where my memories start. If my writing is somewhat disjointed it is because the memories are so spotty.

We lived in an apartment, very small, on the 2nd floor of an old house. My older sister used to have dreams of vacuum cleaners coming out of the wall and getting her. I never had any bad memories from that house. We moved from there when I was 5. That was the year my mom divorced my Dad.

She says it was because he had mental illness and she feared for her safety. We moved to an apartment in a new town, not far from the old, and my mom was remarried before the year was out. The man she married was a seminary trained pastor but he did not practice.

According to my older sister he abused her. Also, she remembers being abused by my father. I do not remember being abused by either of them. I know this, I hated my step-father and was deathly afraid of him.

My first memory comes at 7 years old. I remember having my best friend over to the house to play. We were in my room playing. The next thing I remember is convincing him to pull his pants down and us rubbing our penises together.

After that I did not see him much. I think he must have told his parents because he never came over to play again and I never went to his house either.

I also remember not wanting to have a penis. I would push it in as far as I could until there was almost nothing to see. This isn't so hard to do when your 7/8 yrs old.

Fast forward a few years, I remember staying at my Dad's apartment. It was a single bedroom, living room and kitchen. Me and my younger sister would sleep on the couch or floor and my older sister got to sleep in bed with Dad. I remember thinking how lucky she was to get to be in Dad's bed. How wrong I was.

I also remember being bent over my stepfather's leg, in our living room. Not sure if anyone else was home. I remember this clearly as my pants were around my ankles and I was pressed up against his leg. I was fully aroused and I remember crying. I don't remember anything else about that incident.

I was a very angry kid and always got in fights at school and had very little self control. A few years later mom and step Dad bought a house. Once in the new house, I was about 12, my sister convinced me to dance naked for her and my younger sister. I remember being so embarrassed and ashamed because I was erect. I don't know how it began or ended.

Not long after that I began to masturbate, all the time. I would do it 2, 3 or 4 times a day. Didn't matter where I was. I remember doing it at the town library, in the bathroom at school, where ever I could find some privacy. To this day I still have urges to masturbate. Mostly they come upon me when I'm feeling depressed, lonely or worthless.

Although I would like to recover my childhood memories I often wonder if that's a good idea. I have a near photographic memory for everything but my childhood. However, memories of personal experiences are limited or screwed up. All my memories are disassociated. I see all my memories as if they happened to someone else and I'm watching a movie. This is still true today and makes me sad.

I don't get to look back on happy experiences and feel joy. They all happened to someone else in my memories. I so desperately want to change this but don't know how.

Signing off for now, have run myself out for the minute.

Best wishes to all and have great holidays.



Edited by pufferfish (12/26/11 12:51 AM)
Edit Reason: mods added triggering notice