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#380430 - 12/22/11 03:10 PM "Normals"
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 733
Loc: NJ
Admittingly I am in a real pissy mood today.

I cant get past the use of "normals" as if to say I'm abnormal.

WTF is Normal besides a setting on the washing machine?

I refuse to do this in PM, and can understand a non-response and not looking for a fight here, but I really feel it does us as survivors a disservice to imply we are abnormal and that people not effected by CSA/SA are the normal people and shouldnt be damamged by being married to us...WOW, it just stupifies me actually.

Keep doing and saying whats best for you, speaking your truth, but this really bothers me.

Im not normal or abnormal..Im me based on all the experiences of my life, good and bad.

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#380432 - 12/22/11 03:21 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Castle]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
I use the term when I'm in a pissy mood...usually about injustice, attacks from people because of my CSA status, etc. I use it in a lazy way of saying "all those people who were not CSAed and don't "get" us or really care to "get" us.

I do in fact feel greatly segregated or marginalized by full intent of society. Thus, society, the aggregate, gets labeled as "Normals."

I appologize for the job I've done on your blood-pressure. I'll actually try to stop the use of it all together, cuz it does not read the way its meant.

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#380435 - 12/22/11 03:32 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Castle]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Castle
....Im not normal or abnormal..Im me based on all the experiences of my life, good and bad....


Castle,

I really like what you said in the above statement. I have not used the terms normal or abnormal per say. Hmmm....something to think about.

Peace,
Avery

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#380436 - 12/22/11 03:32 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Still]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
The term actually doesn't bother me. I like to be out of the norm. I hear the word normal and i have this image of a herd of cattle chewing their cud and marching to the slaughter house.
If any word should define people and in our case abuse survivors, I like the term real.
You have the guys who live in the real world and those that cannot or will not because of their hangups or beliefs (whatever doesn't deconstruct their image).

So I am totally abnormal and real.

It's lonely at the top guys.

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#380440 - 12/22/11 03:52 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Anthony39]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
The term "normal" came up in court several times...usually with a "not" or "just not" in front of it. I laughed openly every time they did it. Course, I was truly in a very pissy mood then. When they got to reading from the good-book of little Robbies horrors...well, that's when you heard "that's just not normal."

It was not a normal laugh though. It was sarcastic and kind of nasty/angry/ragefull. It scared the 80-year-old bailiff who was ready to "do something" I guess. He'd take a few frownee steps my way and I'd think..."oh yeah...lets do it."

I'll take this opportunity to say "FK Judge Normal in the ear."

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#380442 - 12/22/11 03:56 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Still]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi Castle,

I like thinking my survivor friend quoted you a few months ago, when he said, "'Normal' is a setting on a washing machine." Gave me hope he had visited this site.

Robbie was the one I remember using the term.

Anyway, you're totally normal in that you've handled it the way any normal person would if they had experienced this.

Y'all are great. Keep working it, it gets better!

Merry Christmas!
D.

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#380443 - 12/22/11 04:16 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Anthony39]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: Anthony39
i have this image of a herd of cattle chewing their cud and marching to the slaughter house.



So....like maybe "Lemmings" and "Not-the-Lemmings" would be good terms?

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#380444 - 12/22/11 04:19 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Disappointed]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: Disappointed

Robbie was the one I remember using the term.


Yeah it was me...but I got it from another guy here and HE got it from some guy in Walmart. Yeah...Like there's a lot of "normality" going on in Walmart!

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#380446 - 12/22/11 04:49 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Still]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 733
Loc: NJ
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#380449 - 12/22/11 06:18 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Castle]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Okay, I haven't looked at Castle's video yet, but let me just say, I got tired of all the foreigners in Wal-Mart and don't go there anymore unless I ABSOLUTELY have to!

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#380450 - 12/22/11 06:22 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Castle]
neveragain Offline


Registered: 12/21/11
Posts: 26
im new here and don't want to use the wrong terms. if we are survivors what do we call our wives and family and other people?


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#380451 - 12/22/11 06:22 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Disappointed]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hey, Castle,

Please excuse me, but why were you in a mood today?

D.

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#380452 - 12/22/11 06:53 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: neveragain]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: neveragain
im new here and don't want to use the wrong terms. if we are survivors what do we call our wives and family and other people?


Wives = you don't want MY answer
Children = "Children"

Family general = Family

IRS = Freakin no-good &$^#))@)(ards

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#380456 - 12/22/11 07:38 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Still]
OurLastChance Offline


Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 32
Loc: USA
With everything I've been through these past couple of years (Survivor spouse has battled adultery, lies, porno), I would like to think I "the wife" should be referred to as:
The "saint" who has held our family together, the "confidant" who has held on to his secrets only shared with me, the "lover" who openly continues to give and receive with no thought of 'revenge or abstinance' and finally......the "wife" who holds our marriage vows sacred on her end.


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#380457 - 12/22/11 07:45 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: OurLastChance]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
@ Disappointed

FOREIGNER????????

Unless you are native american , remember that you are a foreigner too, or your ancestors.

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E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#380458 - 12/22/11 08:04 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Anthony39]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Tony,

Don't make me invade Canada. You know I can do it too!

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#380459 - 12/22/11 08:11 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
OH...and I found a picture of "The Normals."



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#380462 - 12/22/11 09:09 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Still]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Folks, I am really new at this whole CSA thing from the standpoint of a) believing it really may have happened and b) understanding anything much about it, but I read this thread and wanted to say something. It got too long, so I put it in another thread here called Person. It really is a processing thread, so you can ignore it if you want.

Castle, I thank you for starting this, because, at least, the topic makes me think about what I am and I agree with you.

If you asked me what you, the family member or spouse of a "survivor" really should be called, I vote for "Person." Thanks for sharing.

By the way, Robbie, I love the picture of the Normal Family. Now I will have something to compare my own family with :-).

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#380492 - 12/23/11 10:16 AM Re: "Normals" [Re: Jim1104]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 733
Loc: NJ
D: I wrote this yesterday someplace else.


I wanted to put this on a friends wall today, but it probably wouldnt help matters, but they are still my thoughts so even if all the people dont get to see it, I rather just express myself...Im not talking about my family here, but certainly things overlap.

I see and have seen a lot of shit, Im not stupified often. Some days families stupify me with their actions, or lack of actions....Thier denial of the truth in the name of a "org" or family name...The hurt they can inflict, to keep a rug hiding that hole in the floor, thats there no matter how long you try to cover it, out of fear and shame.

Today is one of those days I'm stupified...and also one of the days, I know what it is to be a friend, have a friend, I love, whos hurting, and inturn I hurt...I see so much stregnth through pain to lay the line down and say I'm not playing that game anymore, no matter how hard you try to put out a false front, with disregard of others feelings.

For the believers reading this, you will be judged, by a power greater than me, but I'm also judging and can tell you you've done wrong.

NOte: I added this here today.

To add...I'll say this. Sometimes a "family" or its members in an incestuous abuse situation can move twords the perp...Not so much because they want to protect the perp, but because they cant deal with the changing of the dynamic that the survivors brngs to the table...the "family" will do anything to protect the old "system". Incest quite the beast...If they have to look at the enviornment and why the abuse was able to happen they might see some of thier culpability.



Edited by Castle (12/23/11 10:35 AM)
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#380500 - 12/23/11 12:03 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Castle]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Castle
...To add...I'll say this. Sometimes a "family" or its members in an incestuous abuse situation can move twords the perp...Not so much because they want to protect the perp, but because they cant deal with the changing of the dynamic that the survivors brngs to the table...the "family" will do anything to protect the old "system". Incest quite the beast...If they have to look at the enviornment and why the abuse was able to happen they might see some of thier culpability.


We talked about this issue of "feeling" normal or abnormal in our local in-person group. It was good to hash this issue out and have some laughter. I am very grateful to you all for your input.

Peace,
Avery

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#380501 - 12/23/11 12:18 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Avery46]
neveragain Offline


Registered: 12/21/11
Posts: 26
ourlastchance put in writig what i fell. my wife did nothing to seserve waht i've done to her (porn prostituds screwed her sister). i done these things because of what happened to me and how my moral developmint got screwed up in the proces. i am sad that i made her a victim of my abuse. somehow she still sees me as good and wothy of her love. i would call that being a saint. if i get to be called a survivor when i've hurt her so bad she shouuld be called a survivor of ME.


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#380503 - 12/23/11 12:32 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: neveragain]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Neveragain,

Good line:

"[s]he should be called a survivor of ME."

Castle,

Dealing with folks who ignore or deny is bad. I hope I understood your posting.

D.

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#380530 - 12/23/11 05:13 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Disappointed]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
I was actually trained to use this phrase as a wife's label:

Wife = "You are the love of my life. Without you I am nothing. i would be completely lost. My life would have no meaning."

Then she'd toss me a cookie and pat me on the head.

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#380581 - 12/24/11 09:59 AM Re: "Normals" [Re: Avery46]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Castle said:
For the believers reading this, you will be judged, by a power greater than me, but I'm also judging and can tell you you've done wrong.

(Im not being a smart ass here Castle):)
I for one am glad I will be judged by a power greater than me. He brings joy and peace to my life and I thank you for acknowledging that and for reminding us that we will be jugded.

Let the man without sin cast the first stone.

As for "Normals"???? What is normal? I felt for years that I was normal. So you are 100% correct in what you are saying.
I feel(IMO) that We are all normal in our own way. Those that are not like me are the abnormal ones to me.
It just doesnt matter who you are, everyone has their own thoughts and feelings.
The law of the land may say that some are abnormal or normal, BUT???? who's to say that the law is right?
As I change through out my life I stiil think that I am normal, only now thinking differently than I once did. That comes with age.
Am I still hurting about my past, "YES", but that is a normal reaction for anyone and for any past pain or actions they regret.

So I think that we are all normal in our own way.

Thanks for bringing this up Castle, great thought.

Merry Christmas Everyone and God Blees you all

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#380683 - 12/25/11 11:37 PM Re: "Normals" [Re: Dar]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I don't believe in "normal." As for being attached to a survivor, I would have considered it a blessing to be with my ex because I saw the good in him; HOWEVER, because he did not seek help and was hurting me, it turned out to be a blessing that I did not end up married to him. BUT I don't believe that survivors are people to be avoided. There are many survivors who have been a blessing to me.


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