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#380332 - 12/21/11 06:18 PM Help!!! Need your input re: SAB therapist comment
OurLastChance Offline


Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 32
Loc: USA
Hello everyone, it's been quite some time since I've posted. Thought I was doing ok for my spouse but I'm actually not.

Previously I mentioned to all that my Spouse's SAB Therapist forbade him from including the wife in any of the therapy and Spouse could not disclose anything 'said' during the therapy either.

This has been really hard on me because the SAB surfaced as the result of Spouse hitting rock bottom when his Affair with another woman was reveaed. SAB therapist also forbade Spouse from entering Marriage counseling with me for his first 9 months of therapy.

After much pushing on my part, Spouse finally got the go ahead for MC in September and I made the appointment with Spouse's initial non-SAB therapist thinking he would feel more comfortable with a familiar face.

After first MC visit Spouse backed out, said he was not comfortable and told me he felt we both needed to heal ourselves before we committed to MC. I was devestated.

Last night we were in an argument on another issue and Spouse brought up a comment he says the SAB therapist made a few weeks ago. SAB indicated that if you don't wish to save your marriage, go to MC counseling.

During this whole process of the SAB therapy, the Therapist has made no effort to assist nor allow treatment for the infidelity issues or our marriage issues. This is 50% of the stress between the both of us right now.

What kind of a therapist would do that?


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#380336 - 12/21/11 07:34 PM Re: Help!!! Need your input re: SAB therapist comment [Re: OurLastChance]
George E. Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 48
Loc: Kent, Washington
My personal experience is that Therapy and Marriage Counseling are not mutually exclusive.
I had a weekly session of Psychotherapy with a male doctor by myself, and a every other week session of Marriage Counseling with a lady doctor, with my wife, and that worked very well for both.
We had been married about 3 years when we started, and are now close to the 28th anniversary.
"SAB indicated that if you don't wish to save your marriage, go to MC counseling" is just crap, imho.


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#380341 - 12/21/11 08:05 PM Re: Help!!! Need your input re: SAB therapist comment [Re: OurLastChance]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: OurLastChance
SAB indicated that if you don't wish to save your marriage, go to MC counseling.



Its true. And we went to "Christian Pastoral Marriage Counseling." The guy was a shmuck on wheels and drove a wedge between us that could never ever be removed. He has NO business being in his profession.

WHY? you ask? These shmucks can't handle CSA cases even if their life depended upon it. They have NO clue. CSA is an issolated illness that is unique to their worlds and perpectives. They typically believe the wife surely never needs to bother with the losers of life's lottery. Just move-on...he fooled you.

This guy was an arrogant arse-hole who was openly hostile to me for infecting a normal with marriage. I'm actually surprised I let the shmuck continue drawing breath.

Now, I agree. I had NO business marrying a normal. Normals can't handle it, and thats just reality, not a judgement. But this shlomoe never used one minute of our time together trying to help us. he was solely focused upon getting my ex out of "her situation" ASAP. And we were not even dealing with ANY (as in ANY) infidelity. My only offense was being sex-meat for seven years as a child.

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#380343 - 12/21/11 08:12 PM Re: Help!!! Need your input re: SAB therapist comment [Re: Still]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
I wanted to do marriage counseling immediately. We were also brought to this place by infidelity. My therapist who does work extensively with sexual abuse advised against it. She is not my husband's therapist (who also specializes in sex abuse). Her reasoning is that generally speaking, there is so much elementary work that needs to be done with the survivor that it is almost pointless (at least early on) to try to do extensive marital therapy. Depending on the age of the survivor when the abuse started, some pyschological processes are interrupted. I can't remember her exact words, but what I took away is that he would have to learn how to make his brain work how people who have not been abused works. So certain ways I have a relating, he can mimic, but can't relate to. It makes for a frustrating situation. What I was able to get all 4 parties to agree to is a joint session. I just want to know how we can progress in our marriage without doing further harm to each other. I want some trust building exercises that he is capable of participating in. I want some pointers on how to make him feel safe enough to tell me the truth. We are planning on doing this session in January. I don't know if it will help or work. But I do know from this site that therapy will be years-long endeavor. I'm in it for as long as he's working on it, but I want to be progressing too. Hope this helps.

In my opinion, I will never do therapy with anohter person who is not informed about CSA. CSA infects EVERYTHING. So things that might seem straight up and down to me, turn out to be wonky sideways for us. My therapist sees it instantly, the poor woman I saw first--clueless does not even begin to describe her. Her advice was so wrong that even in my broken, angry state, I could see it.

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Wife of a survivor

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#380344 - 12/21/11 08:13 PM Re: Help!!! Need your input re: SAB therapist comment [Re: GoodHope]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
Hey Robbie, the first therapist I just mentioned, also a Christian counselor. I love the Lord, but so far His "counselors" haven't shown me much, LOL!

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#380345 - 12/21/11 08:22 PM Re: Help!!! Need your input re: SAB therapist comment [Re: Still]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
OLC,

I feel your frustration. I have been there. My husband's therapist as wel as my own said it was a waste until you each get to a certain point in both of your recoveries. It was probably 10 months of serious therapy before we started MC.

Recovery, as they say, is a 3 legged stool. My recovery, your recovery and our recovery. The "our" recovery isn't possible until the other 2 legs are in place.

That being said, I don't know of any therapists (and I know alot about them from my COSA group) who have told them to be so secretive. They are actually trying to get the CSA to take responsibility for what is their responsibility and only that and try rebuilding trust with themselves and their spouses.

If my husband came home and told me that, I wouldn't believe the therapist actually said that and i would think my husband was lying. That is just me though. Either that or the therapist is an idiot. I would have to ask my husbandto calll the therapist so I could hear the therapist say that shit.

Sorry to sound so judgmental about his therpist but it really pisses me off when people claim to know about this stuff and are full of shit and ignorant and then are f%^&ing with our lives.

UGH.


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#380382 - 12/22/11 01:21 AM Re: Help!!! Need your input re: SAB therapist comment [Re: lucylives]
OurLastChance Offline


Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 32
Loc: USA
Thank you everyone for your input. I'm digesting the responses and so far I see that I need to remind myself to take a step back and look at the slideshow of events caused by the SAB, not just the pain I'm dealing with from the affair.

I can deal with the SAB, I cannot deal with the affair nor potential future affairs. These are killing me.


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#380405 - 12/22/11 09:41 AM Re: Help!!! Need your input re: SAB therapist comment [Re: OurLastChance]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
If you are a Christian, i just read a great book about moving beyond the betrayal. It's called Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken: Finding Forgiveness and Restoration by Cindy Beall. She has a sex addict husband who is a pastor. Multiple affairs, we know the drill. Anyway, the best I've read so far. a non Christian book that is pretty good is Janis Spring, After the Affair. The cheating has been my biggest obstacle as well.

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Wife of a survivor

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#380414 - 12/22/11 11:26 AM Re: Help!!! Need your input re: SAB therapist comment [Re: GoodHope]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
I dont know how successful religious based counceling can be...it's my own bias, but it doesnt seem that human nature is really looked at for what it is, but how to reflect the written word and religious bias ...I cant understand anything where as a councelor might try to say somebody will goto hell for SSA thoughts, or for being gay...they hypocricy is stupifying to me.

I dont mind being flamed for my thoughts, but I can't say it enough to find a T that is experienced in CSA, and bases their advise for whats best for the person..not based on a religous belief system...A good compriise could be a councelor for CSA Family issues, and a spiritual counselor for that side of things.

and man the thing with the "Normals" is really bothersome to me, but it could be jsut me, it just gives such a bad message. IMHO

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My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#380419 - 12/22/11 12:01 PM Re: Help!!! Need your input re: SAB therapist comment [Re: Castle]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
I think the problem with religious counselors is a matter of emphasis more than anything. Parts of what I as a supporter is struggling with is spiritual, she could help Me there but a huge part of what I need as a supporter is technical. He or she COULD have the technical expertise in CSA but I suspect most don't because that is not what is emphasized in their training. I think you'd have the same problem if you picked a therapist at random in the phone book. CSA requires a specific knowledge and skill set. I will never again waste my time with a therapist without the background. Too much damage can be done in an already tenuous situation. I'd love for more pastoral counseling programs to address this issue in their curriculum though.

My therapist is respectful of my beliefs and seems to see how I incorporate them into the process but she offers no insight. I have to get that from elsewhere and that is not necessarily a bad thing either.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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