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#379807 - 12/17/11 02:35 AM Re: opening up [Re: Castle]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Castle,

I have a view that is somewhere between yours and that of a hyper religious person. I believe there is a great deal of benefit to a therapist/counselor who uses Biblical counseling; However, anyone that deals with CSA and SSA as an entirely spiritual problem will be completely unsuccessful. Humans are comprised of body, soul and spirit. All three parts of the human must be dealt with, not just a spiritual thing. Biblical teaching on forgiveness and restitution have been a big help to me.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379837 - 12/17/11 10:59 AM Re: opening up [Re: Castle]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I would add to be equally skeptical of lay therapists. I went to one who told me that based on my having had sex with grown men when I was 13 to 16, after being abused by a man, that I was gay since I sought the sex. I am now 46 and recently was interviewed to enter a men's survivor group and the therapist also suggested based on my behavior that I am gay. He admitted he made a mistake, apologized and I told him that many men deal with SSA who were abused. I did not join that group.





Edited by EdfromNYC (12/17/11 11:05 AM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#379838 - 12/17/11 12:15 PM Re: opening up [Re: EdfromNYC]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Ed,

Good points about the lay therapist. I would agree that there is a definite bias with the secular therapist, as with many Christian therapist as well.

I think there is a difference between having SSA, and someone that is completely involved in the gay lifestyle. It seems that nearly every man with SSA has some deprivation of love, affection, attention and affirmation (plus in some cases abuse) from their fathers, and then it evolves into SSA because the grown man still has a legitimate need and hunger for those things from another man. In my case, there was a complete lack of those things from my father, plus he abused me too. This "father wound" set me (and most CSA victims) up to be a target for the perps. Perps look for wounded little boys, then "groom" them with the things they never got from their fathers.

Bottom line I guess, would to be skeptical of any therapist/counselor and ask questions before deciding if they can really deal with your specific issues and help. A good counselor is one that doesn't push you to compromise or ignore your religious beliefs and morals.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379969 - 12/18/11 04:45 PM Re: opening up [Re: Undefeated]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I'm totally on the same page with you and feel the same lack of male bonding created my SSA drive. I also have the experience that as that wound is healed, my SSA drive equally decreases and I can have my natural attraction to the opposite sex, for lack of a better word, arise.

For me, the sexual abuse by a man was partially due to my SSA which was due to the hurt caused by my humiliating, rejecting father. I was out of whack in my attraction to men and seeking to be seen and instead I was sexually abused in a way that felt pleasure which was incredibly confusing. I am untangling it all now and to read a post like your post, by a fellow victim, on the root causes of SSA, it gives me comfort.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#379980 - 12/18/11 06:34 PM Re: opening up [Re: EdfromNYC]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
EdfromNYC,

I am glad you found my previous post helpful. My father was humiliating and rejecting too. We needed to have our developing manhood affirmed by our fathers, and instead of that, they tore us down. No wonder we were left starved for these things from men.

I'm not sure about your religious persuasion, but there is a message here in video and audio format. It is given by a Christian who has a ministry to men with SSA; However, there is much here that any man with SSA can benefit from. It's a bit long, but well worth your time:
Elephant in the Pew: Same Sex Attraction

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#380039 - 12/19/11 08:55 AM Re: opening up [Re: Undefeated]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I will look at it but I am not religious and I make that statement after attending different churches. I am not anti-religious and can find helpful things in many different places so thank you.

I know much of the SSA movement is religiously based. Unfortunately, as much as it helps to have places to face and deal with SSA, I think it also hurts the potential helpfulness since many people can then simply disregard the underlying helpfulness of seeing SSA as a developmental disorder by allowing many to view it as intolerance as opposed to help. I tend toward the secular message that SSA is disordered thinking and can be helped in many ways but I understand that many believe and have the experience that religion can provide the solution.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#380049 - 12/19/11 11:15 AM Re: opening up [Re: Undefeated]
monkey Offline


Registered: 12/04/11
Posts: 53
Loc: IL
Undefeated,
My wife and I have been married for 24 years and haven't been able to have kids. This breaks my heart every time I think about it. The lack of that male bonding or showing a good life for a child, because I felt my childhood was taken away. But I have always wanted to be a father. I had a good upbringing and relationship with my father. So I enjoy my time with younger ones. But I am not going to lie and say that the SSA isn't there. I kind of blame it on the CSA. But I know in my heart I would never want any of this CSA life to happen to a child. So I keep my feelings/urges to myself and try to think on the good side.
Thank you for the encouragements!

Monkey(Mark)
The Flower Unfolding

_________________________
Monkey(Mark)
The Flower Unfolding

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#380052 - 12/19/11 12:26 PM Re: opening up [Re: EdfromNYC]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Ed,

Thank you for your honesty about this. I tend to dislike religion, because I view religion as being man-made. Humans think it's "all about us" and what nicey-nice things we can do to earn "brownie points" with God. I am not anti-God. I see that in the Bible, the message is that we need to humble ourselves, and come to God for forgiveness and justification. I suppose my CSA has a lot to do with this, because I hate arrogance. I was molested by arrogant men, including my father who was an arrogant jerk. My CSA also had a lot to do with what drove me away from man-made religion, to see what God really said in the Bible.

As for that message link I posted earlier, the part I think is very significant, would be the same rather someone is "religious" or not. The part about personality types of "sensitive boys" and "rough and tumble" boys and how they are affected by father neglect and father wounds is very significant. It has been extremely helpful for me to see that I can be sensitive and masculine. My perception of masculinity was messed up by my father and my perps. I used to believe that to be a man, a guy had to be a jerk, and I didn't want to be a jerk.

Ed, I am glad you are not anti-religious, or more specific not anti-God. It's so easy to be turned off by humans and their flaws. I try to remember that we all are deeply flawed and God stands on His own merit, not as viewed through the fog of human faults.

I am feeling a little guilty for hijacking Monkey's thread with an off-topic posting. I hope he will forgive me. No excuse, but I do have ADD and it's nearly impossible for me not to go off on a rabbit trail. smile

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#380054 - 12/19/11 12:42 PM Re: opening up [Re: monkey]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Monkey,

I owe you and apology for hijacking your thread with an off topic posting. I do hope you will forgive me.

I am so sorry about you being heartbroken about not having children. I understand this fully. I have never married and I am constantly heartbroken, because I never had children. In church, I see a man being affectionate with his children and I see how they look at him with love and respect and it nearly drives me to tears. I feel a huge hole in my soul.

I mentioned this earlier in this thread, but there is something that is helping me immensely. A few years ago, I started an online friendship with a kind young man, that is the right age to be my son. We've grown closer and closer and we have based most of our friendship on mutual faith. We've developed a father-son/mentoring relationship. This has been VERY healing for me and being a dad helps my masculinity. Mentoring a young man is very healing for both the younger and older man. I'd encourage you to continue developing the relationship with the young man you are mentoring, but be sure to keep it "above board."

I think there is a definite need for more Paul-Timothy relationships. It's vital for a younger man to relate to someone that has been a Christian and worked through life's struggles and for the older man it's healing to pass on his faith and things he values most in life.



Edited by Undefeated (12/19/11 12:51 PM)
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

Top
#380162 - 12/20/11 10:43 AM Re: opening up [Re: Undefeated]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I appreciate your apology to Monkey for going off-thread but I benefited from your so doing. I listened to that mp3 and it was amazing. It described me to a "T". I was that sensitive boy and all that he said is what I experienced and my CSA was the harmful touch that he talked about.

I am going to investigate this preacher further and contact him and his church about following up. Thank you so much for linking to that sermon.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
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