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#37988 - 07/06/02 03:51 PM What do I do?
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I am confused. I dont know what to do past what i am already doing, but i feel so bad i wonder if i should try something else. I dont know if im making any progress in my life. I am trying so hard, but i just dont feel myself anymore. Maybe i am trying too hard. Maybe i took this class too early. But what am i suppoesed to do with my life? My eye is twitching now sometimes, i get really bad headaches and sometimes dont eat much of anything. How do you tell if you need some sort of help that your not getting? Where do you get it? If I cant heal alone, then how am i supposed to get anybody near me? I want to talk to somebody who has been there. I am going to try and make the calls right now, if i can get myself to do that. If i want people in my life then i cant do this alone. I want to stop feeling like everything that is wrong in my life is my responsibility and my fault. I want what im thinking inside to come out, im tired of pretending to be somebody im not. mr big tough guy cant feel any emotions, just put on the dark mask and the pain will pass, just hold on and hold on, you will make it. But now i am out, so why wont it come off? Why cant i be me? I want to let it out. But i have no where to let it out to. Im going to try and go on the phone now.


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#37989 - 07/06/02 09:07 PM Re: What do I do?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
"PICK UP THE PHONE"

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#37990 - 07/07/02 12:13 AM Re: What do I do?
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I did. Nobody answered. I called six or seven places, nobody had any referrals or anything. I feel better now, but no thanks to anybody else. Where the hell is everybody? Are good people really so rare they are in hiding?

I saw a guy yesterday who saw me and said, "Cheer up man, things could be worse. I just got out of prison." Irony and fate are always laughing at me i feel. Destiny and Karma need a tune up or something. I guess if i had a motto it would be "die trying". \:\)

Man, that just sucked. I called up 6 or 7 places, had to tell each in turn i was an incest survivor, and then had to listen to each one say, we cant help you.

My therapist wants to see me twice a week. She says she wont charge me for the second visit. I honestly feel like giving up on people soemtimes, the good ones are harder to watch than the bad ones, because they have to take all the crap. If i ever find my way up to something better, im never going to forget what its like being at rock bottom.

I guess that has always been my dream, to transcend my life as a victom and help everybody else i could out of the mire of thier lives. Almost everybody is trapped in a life they dont want. Nobody says they want to grow up to be an advertising executive. Nobody wants to grow up to pump gas. But i really dont think things have to be like that.

I have a plan, and i am sticking to it, but it is hard to have faith in it. I am taking every step i can, no matter how small. Dont i have a chance? I mean, i am fighting so hard, all i ever want to hear is hang in there every once and a while, dont give up.

Sometimes to cheer myself up, i imagine atlas living in a cheap apartment, trying to do the normal everyday things everybody does with the weight of the world on his back. Like going to store to pick up some milk, or going to a coin op laundry mat.

Lately when i hear that voice in my head telling me im a failure, i just think "FUCK OFF! I got things to do now, i dont need this right now." For me, i KNOW i will get through times like this, but i dont believe it. I rant sometimes just to get it out, but this still isnt as bad as when i was putting furniture in front of my door when i was sleeping at my moms house. The difference is now i have given up the illusion that i really had any help surviving depression, in fact i only had adversity. Realising that i did that on my own without any help is in a way harder than just making it through, it is hard for me to acknowledge my strength. Without something to push against, i have to face depression with kindness and love, and i guess those things really scare me.


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#37991 - 07/07/02 07:40 AM Re: What do I do?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Broken
The answers you got from your calls aren't as important as you making the calls.
You made the decision to do it, you tried to sell yourself to strangers, you made the effort.

Don't let their responses turn into rejection, it isn't. I bet they thought "well here's a guy who's trying at least".

Keep trying, don't give up.

Lloydy ;\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#37992 - 07/07/02 10:01 AM Re: What do I do?
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
((((((((((((((((Broken))))))))))))))))))))

I would like to hold you imagine it!

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#37993 - 07/08/02 03:36 PM Re: What do I do?
Aptrick Offline


Registered: 06/26/02
Posts: 62
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
Broken,
Dont give up; I know its hard. I made the decision to "call for help" on the 27th of june..im still waiting to make an appointment to talk to someone. I gave them my info and one of the therapist was to call me back. I havent heard from them yet. I waited a week and called back and had to leave a message. Its monday now still no call...so Im calling again....because Im not living with this burden anymore. Im tired of the guilt and shame and feelings of negativity; constantly torturing myself mentally. Im tired of living a half life..afraid to fully do anything. DONT give up. You may be broken but you can always be fixed.


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