CSA can break us, but it does not make us. In marriage and parenting it takes 2 good role models, not one.

My mom was a lousy wife and worse mother.

I married the most sweetest most caring woman on the planet. I never did any of the crap to her or our kids you guys write about. More so I'm there to catch her tears all the time too. We aint special. We just get love and family I suppose. We both do.

I know some men who never were abused as kids who are real Tools as husbands and Dads.

I know some women who are lousy wives and shitty moms.

What is right or wrong in any home is not going to stem from CSA or the lack there of.

There are no excuses for being a shitty husband or Dad. None for being a marginal mother or wife either.

I wish every woman here all the happiness there can be.

I wish every man here has a wife just like mine.

Happy Holidays all. Here in NJ we are waiting for the older 2 to get back from campus. As my wife told them yesterday, don't buy him a thing, you know all he wants is you guys home here safe and happy.

Ya see, she truly gets me.....

Peace.

The thing is, his behavior is not from his CSA. As I am coming to understand, his behavior and his CSA come from one thing - and that is the lack of protection and attachment that he should have received from his mother.

I have been looking at it all wrong.

What causes the bad behavior is the way he sees his world. ANd the lack of coping mechanisms. ALL OF THIS COMES FROM THE FAILURE OF HIS MOTHER TO BE EVEN A MARGINALLY GOOD MOTHER. He did not receive love, he did not receive protection, he did not learn healthy attachment, he did not learn emotional regulation.

This is what I am finding as we trudge along....

I'm at a point where I refuse to speak to my MIL, other than "hello". I see how sick she still is, and I'm having trouble finding an ounce of empathy for her due to her own ongoing "rescue me" and entitlement-driven behaviors.

I so totally relate.

Love what you wrote. Thanks it made me smile.

I apologize for the side-step in subject here. I had only read KB's post and responded by knee-jerk.


KB,

then telling you this is redundant: You have EVERYTHING!

I remember going out for walks in my neighborhood after work or dinner. Sometimes one of the kids would come with me. We were famous in the neighborhood for our walks.

I would nearly always stop out on the street and marvel at what the box held; my everything...and thank God for them all. I would cry in gratitude. I'm guessing you do too KB.

KB, your valuation of family has always shone-through here in this pot of pain and misery. You kept your grasp on the lightning...on your everything. You define light.

Robbie Iyou know I wish it all for you too though. For anyone here, spouses, partners, kids of survivors of course too.

Hug your kids tight as I know you do Rob. They love their dad. He's a real good man and they know it bud.

Esposa, I can relate to what you said about attachment! I think that very 1st experience with the primary attachment figure (mother) is at the root of so many of my guy's problems. He is also a survivor of severe CSA, physical and psychological torture, sibling abuse and many other things, but, the mother attachment issue always seems to be the most fundamental.