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#379747 - 12/16/11 06:30 PM How long before you tell?
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
I met someone three weeks ago, a Frenchman who is kind, caring, affectionate and who doesn't do one night stands. Three weeks isn't long, but we've spent probably only three days apart since then. I am happy, not that I don't occasionally wish for more time alone. You can probably guess, the title of this post refers to the abuse. I would gladly never tell him, that my teacher sexually abused me for two years, leaving me with no social skills, awful nightmares, and a life of hell until my early twenties. But he knows something is wrong already. Last night, he asked me why I was shaking when we were in bed during foreplay. I didn't realize I was, though it was because I was terrified. Today, he texted me asking why I looked sad before we went to sleep. I texted back, I didnít know I looked sad. It was only a half lie, as, since the abuse, thereís been a kind of gap between me and my emotions. I knew I looked sad only when he saw I looked sad. My last relationship was in 2008, when I was twenty-six, with a complete jerk. When I told him what happened to me, he called me a liar, said it was my fault, said he should have known I wasnít as nice as I seemed. You can see why I'm apprehensive. Also, I canít shake this feeling that he deserves better. Iím handsome. Iím smart. Iím funny. Iím thoughtful. But I feel like a broken toy. On the outside, I look so promising, but soon heíll realize who I am, and return me after Christmas.


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#379765 - 12/16/11 09:17 PM Re: How long before you tell? [Re: Bewlayb1]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
The longer I live, the more I come to realize that in one way or another, every single one of us, CSA'd or not, are broken toys. I don't think I know anyone who hasn't sustained some bumps, bruises and scarring along the way. My point is your wonderful Frenchman is never going to meet someone who is perfect, nor will you. Your last boyfriend, I would agree, was a jerk who obviously thought a bit too highly of himself. His loss. You have an opportunity now to find some happiness. Grab it, hold onto it, nurture it, and give it a chance to grow. You deserve it. At the same time, your Frenchman has already seen you tremble while being intimate, and has already seen a sadness in your eyes following the intimacy. I doubt he is so naive as to not realize that something is up. If you think this guy is special, and worth spending your life with, then don't you think he deserves to know why you trembled and looked sad during and after a very special time when you should have been experiencing ecstasy? It wouldn't be fair to allow him to think that HE was the reason for your fear or sadness, would it? Speaking from experience, nothing good comes from keeping the secret. That has caused serious damage to my marriage, and others here on MS will say the same thing.

So, in short, I would sit him down, preface your disclosure with an "I have something very serious and private that I need to share with you," and then share your story. Probably not necessary to go into a lot of detail at first. But let the poor guy know that it isn't him. If he's as great as you seem to think he is, he'll want to support you. If he doesn't, well, maybe he wasn't "the one."

Wishing you the best of luck with this. It's never easy, is it?

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#379884 - 12/17/11 08:26 PM Re: How long before you tell? [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 407
Loc: west coast
I agree, the last guy was a jerk, thankfully just due to numbers there are more straight jerks than gay ones. But likely the percentage is the same, who knows.

I am not in a relationship but Fissy T is right. Most everyone is damaged in some way, its how we accept and integrate that painful experience in our everyday lives. How do we minimalize it and not let it become the big invissible elephant in the room? What I have learned in this short time, is openess and a knowledge that what happened is nothing you need to own all that shame and fear for, is what will help going forward.

Your body is experiencing that deep feeling of emotional response when things are about to get intimate, your brain has no choice, the body memory takes over. But what you CAN do is minimize that response by de-stressing the intensity of the moment. Sharing with him will help him see that you need to be held b4 you're made love to , to feel safe, to know that that embrace will bring nothing bad. Letting him know will give him the gift of compassion that will help you im more ways than you know. But your body does. The embrace of and from the heart will allow you to stay in the moment, start to be able to breath, release the shaking that is you nervous system discharging like a storm cloud.

What a gift you could give your frenchman for xmas, what a gift you could give yourself. Your natural negative self talk will want to tell you the outcome will be the same. But he does not sound like that last insesitive prick , let him have a chance to prove it and remove all your doubt. The mistletoe will be so much more potent,lol.

Take care, you are obviously a nice person or he would not be there. Its going be be remarkable.

cheers

grant

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#379888 - 12/17/11 09:22 PM Re: How long before you tell? [Re: Bewlayb1]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Bewlayb1
....return me after Christmas.


I thought the same when my ex and I were together. I hope you are able to believe you are worthwhile for him and yourself.

There are NO guarantees but, it sounds like he is asking "out of care" for you. Telling your story is very important. Being you including the sadness is essential and if he is asking about you then it is time to tell. After just 3 weeks maybe sharing the details is NOT time but, telling him you are sad and shaking due to fear of getting close is important.

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#379899 - 12/17/11 11:15 PM Re: How long before you tell? [Re: Avery46]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
It's been 17 years for me...and I haven't gotten returned yet...there's always hope in love smile

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#380527 - 12/23/11 04:35 PM Re: How long before you tell? [Re: Darkheart]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks for the advice. I told him a few nights after the post, and he was very understanding. Things feel better between us, largely because I know I can trust him. I didn't want to talk about it. He forced it out of me when he sensed my discomfort again. Later, he apologized, though I'm so glad he didn't leave it alone. It felt like a weight released from my chest. I was vague. Still, it was enough. He said he already thought so. I'm grateful to all you guys. I might have kept the secret much longer if not for your support. I don't know how long this happiness will last, but Darkheart's right. There's always hope. The last thing I expected was to find someone good and kind.


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#380541 - 12/23/11 10:34 PM Re: How long before you tell? [Re: Bewlayb1]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
I'm proud of you and I'm happy for you smile

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#385014 - 02/09/12 02:52 AM Re: How long before you tell? [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Wow John. That was incredibly well said and I am so glad I read that because all of us have to struggle with if we tell (which I think we always should at some point), how we tell, etc. So thank you for sharing that.

Also to Bewlayb1, obviously ultimately the decision is yours, but like John basically said, at this point it's obvious to your partner that there is something going on within you.

If your partner is a wonderful and loving person he would want to know. Not all the details right away, but the basics will be enough.

Trust me, I know this all too well because I personally have some big abondonment issues (not suggesting you do), but if this guy leaves because of what you went through, ultimately you don't want him around because you do need support, not someone adding shame, guilt, gaslighting, etc.

I truly wish you the best and really hope this guy is indeed a loving and caring soul and offers you some support.

Alex


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#385016 - 02/09/12 03:19 AM Re: How long before you tell? [Re: Bewlayb1]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Silly me. I'm new to the board and realize that your first post was over a month old. LOL.

I'm glad it went well and hope things are working out for you.

Peace.

Alex


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#386268 - 02/18/12 03:09 PM Re: How long before you tell? [Re: Forexpreneur]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
That's okay, Alex. Lol. We are still together and he is as kind and understanding as I hoped. Sometimes it's been tricky adjusting to not being alone, and to give my trust to someone, but I'm working on it. These days, I'm pretty happy, which is why I haven't posted lately. No drama. Life isn't easy, but it's nice. Thanks again to you guys. It's comforting to know that when I need guidance, I can always look here.


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