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#379605 - 12/15/11 05:01 PM Re: opening up [Re: monkey]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi monkey,

When I disclosed to some of my siblings, I could only get the courage to do it by E-mail. Even though I knew they would support me, there is always the tiny piece of doubt. Since then, I've told 2 more of my siblings and a couple of close family members, all supported me completely.

By telling those I know will support me first, I hope it will help me get through the inevitable "What the hell are you saying? Get a life." When it happens, I'll have already have told several and they all offered to support me fully so Ill know (s)he is nothing but an asshole. Hopefully anyway!!!

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#379642 - 12/15/11 08:33 PM Re: opening up [Re: Sailor John]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Dear Monkey,

Many details you mention that I can identify with - always a loner, needing but scared of male friends, mixed feelings about revealing past to wife and pastor.

My experience has been mixed. I had to tell my wife and it was hard - but the right thing to do. She felt compassion and a degree of understanding - but has some trust issues with me now - because I kept things from her in the past. I think that in the long run our relationship will be better.

I advise you to go slow. Take it one person at a time with the self-revelations. Every relationship will be affected in a different way and it will take a lot of your energy to make those adjustments - and the other individuals will each also have to work to make adjustments. this changes EVERYTHING! My experience is that it is better to have only one person "rocking the boat" at a time rather than mass confusion with numerous relationships in a state of flux and instablility.

Your mention of talking to your pastor was a real trigger for me. I did that at one time and the pastor who I thought of as a friend and counselor betrayed me. I thought he's understand because he had been abused as a child. But he reacted to his past trauma by becoming a predator and attempted to undermine my most important relationship by using what he knew about me against me.

Sorry if this is discouraging - but be careful who you trust. I don't want to sabotage your recovery by telling you not to do what you feel you need to do. Just proceed with caution and take care of yourself!

Regards,
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#379705 - 12/16/11 09:26 AM Re: opening up [Re: Castle]
monkey Offline


Registered: 12/04/11
Posts: 53
Loc: IL
Castle,
I guess I could rewrite it to say......he has councelled many in those areas within our congregation. Sometimes my line of thinking and writing don't match. Sorry.

Monkey

_________________________
Monkey(Mark)
The Flower Unfolding

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#379708 - 12/16/11 09:51 AM Re: opening up [Re: traveler]
monkey Offline


Registered: 12/04/11
Posts: 53
Loc: IL
I did go see my pastor yesterday as planned. It was a short session because his calendar is really full. I was nervous, not at all like when I told my dear friend/confidant who was the first to know about my past. I was nervous I guess because he is an authority figure in the church, which was similar to the two perps from my past. But I would say that our talk did go well(despite me breaking down a couple times when I was telling it. The waterworks easily flow with me). He listened mostly as I told him my abridged version of MY STORY only because of time constraints. But I didn't feel rushed. I don't think he was overwhelmed at all. I knew there was more to his story that he revealed to the congregation several times. And in our talk next week he plans on opening up to me some more of what has happened to him. Could possibly be that by me coming forward with MY STORY and him opening up, that we can understand more about each other and ourselves.
That is one thing he made clear that we will take it one step at a time. He knows there are more issues with me than just my past. He wants to address my spiritual and emotional issues as well.
Thank you all for your support and understanding.

Monkey

_________________________
Monkey(Mark)
The Flower Unfolding

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#379714 - 12/16/11 11:03 AM Re: opening up [Re: traveler]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
Monkey,

I am glad things went well with your pastor. However, I agree with Lee. Take it slow. In my zeal to recover I confided in two of the closest people in my life, my partner and my best friend from back home, a man I've confided in for over 30 years. Both experiences were disastrous. Knocked the wind right out of me. As a result I have cut off all my friends and put my partner low on the ladder in my basically non-existent support network.

I am delighted your experiences have been so supportive. I envy you. Keep them close because if ever a bad experience comes along from sharing, you will need them.

Take it slow.

T


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#379717 - 12/16/11 11:46 AM Re: opening up [Re: Thebo]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Disclosure and confrontation are alot of action, and you want them to go best they can and require lots of thought and planning. Can't put the cat back in, so plan.

Typically we ref this article here:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html
I have some other thoughts ill get back to later.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#379736 - 12/16/11 04:00 PM Re: opening up [Re: Castle]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
I'm pretty open about the fact Im not into religion or the organization of religion...So I'm naturally biased, thats ok.

Its important to understand what abuse does and how it re-wires the brain...some of the acting out issues, and SSA is a difficult challenge for a lot of survivors. Some religious orginizations/secs who demonize homosexuality and or any type of same sex interaction, and believe through following the word ect can help you alliviate these "sins" are very challenging. these challenges need professional help besides the spiritual side.

Please be catious and I say this for everybody, to allow somebody to tell you that the effects of abuse can be prayed away or it was just the devil that took hold of you and or making you feel something like SSA.

I dont say these things lightly and to encite or cause problems, but the use of some of these tactics can have a terrrible effect on survivors looking for answers and turning to their faith. I have several very good friends whom are believers and we have respect for opposite views on things, so I hope this doesnt seem like an attack, as its not. This is not an attack on faith, I'm for your choice to choose what's best for you.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#379742 - 12/16/11 05:25 PM Re: opening up [Re: Castle]
monkey Offline


Registered: 12/04/11
Posts: 53
Loc: IL
Castle,
Thanks for your frankness and being open on the issue. Yes I realize that because I am disclosing my past to my pastor that from his standpoint he will look at it from a religious aspect. I realize that only I am in control of what I feel will best help me. I can take or not take advice. Of course that becomes a trust issue. If I don't take his advice and he knows that, then I would jeopardize his councel. Actually now that I have written that sentence, I realize that through out my past I have learned to not trust what everyone tells me and to go with my gut instinct. Could be because of my CSA and reprocussions......dunno.
Rarely will I feel that anyone on MS will attack me for my views(religious or not). I take advise for what it is worth. And from what I have experienced on this site so far has been very supportive and constructive. Even criticism I take.

Monkey, the Flower Unfolding

_________________________
Monkey(Mark)
The Flower Unfolding

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#379795 - 12/17/11 01:08 AM Re: opening up [Re: monkey]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Monkey,

I am just a little older than you and I also have a young man that I am mentoring. He too is just a little less than 1/2 my age. He considers me his dad and I consider him my son. This is VERY healing to me, because I have never been married and of course have no children. I am at the age where the God-given desire to be a dad starts causing a hunger to be a father.

I would just encourage you to keep mentoring this young man, be a buddy and friend too. I think you'll find that both of you are blessed by the relationship and will encourage and edify one another.

I had a pastor that did a lot of teaching on how the church fails to connect older men with younger men, for discipling, fellowship and just being buddies. As he points out, we see Paul and Timothy and other older/younger men in the Bible that were very close. It's a definite need in the church today.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379802 - 12/17/11 01:48 AM Re: opening up [Re: Castle]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
I agree with Castle here. For example, you don't get the guy who fixed your car's transmission to re-tile your bathroom. smile


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