It has been a full week(last Weds) since I first opened up to someone about my CSA. It has been a week and a half since I found the MS site and registered.
I have been involved in many church activities and one of them is becoming friends with men in the church. This is a big step for me. I get along with females, but men are another issue. I guess because of my CSA. I am still battling in my head why that would be. My whole childhood I was shy with guys. So I was never part of any click or group of guys to hang out with. I have yet to finish writing MY STORY so you understand where I am coming from.
Earlier this year I talked to my pastor about wanting some male companionship. He and some other leaders got me in touch with some guys who were needing some mentoring and also who felt alone. I knew the guys he was talking about, but didn't realize they had some lonely issues. One in particular I have been mentoring(if you can say that. He is half my age and I feel he is more of a brother to me) and we just started out by running in the mornings(ran alone before and was looking for a running partner anyways) and started talking while running. We really got to know each other. We even talked about deep issues that both of us were going through. I have never had a male relationship like this before. New territory!!! He really opened up to me and I felt that our trust was strong enough that I owed him for me to be open and honest with him. SO I met him for a serious conversation(and he knew that it was serious). I wasn't nervous and he was very open to the topic of MY STORY. It really felt good that I had the courage to finally tell someone my story. We are good about encouraging each other in our issues. There are a couple more people that I plan on telling. I may get nervous because it is a different situation and I am not as deep in our relationship. But I know that it must be done. One of the people that I need to tell and that I have a personal relationship is my wife. THAT SCARES ME! I don't know how she will react. Maybe she will see some insight on why I am the way I am. But my next person I am telling MY STORY to will be my pastor. More for guidance and counselling.

One step at a time!

Monkey

Well done bro,

the cracks just let in more light and lightness. I have found that the more I am able to let people know about what happened feels like myself and my real face get to come to the surface. I dreaded looking in the mirror let alone pictures. Now I can actually smile from the inside its not just another mask.

You have courage you have just begun to tap, keep going!

Monkey

Welcome--great job. Opening up helps, it allows you to see you past for what it was--and gives a new hope for the future. Keep well and this board has helped me in some many ways in facing what has happened to me. Like most of us, you may be on an emotional roller coaster, but writing about it let's it out. We are here and you are on the right path.

I relate a lot. I've actually had that thought on my brain a lot today. I too never connected with other guys or fit in with them. Still today I don't. I find I have utterly nothing in common with the "typical" male out there. It is indeed very lonely.

I have a couple guys I meet with now, but other than a shared faith, I still have little in common. When I was part of a regular Bible study group along with my wife, I'd end up sitting with my wife and the women during the "social and refreshment" time afterwards, because I just don't fit.

My wife was the first person I told. She's been good support. Not perfect, as it's totally outside her understanding, but still supportive. I did also tell my pastor and quickly realized it was completely outside anything he'd ever dealt with or had any kind of training or teaching on, so while he knows (actually the majority of my church knows the general stuff) it just doesn't come up.

Looks like you're doing some good work through, keep it up! Bit by bit day by day.


Oh, and I love the Screen Name! Monkey is my nickname for my son! Seems I come up with a nickname for all my kids. :-)

Hey monkey!

Welcome and thanks for fhe awesome sharing!

I liked your putting it out there and slowly developing a trusting relationship that you are growing in- breaking down that isolation barrier builds confidence and helps to drain away the shame and fear.

I also like the fact that u continue to take Calculated risks to share more of you with men in your life. If u have not yet read the resources page for survivors here at MS -especially about disclosure or any of the books mentioned, please do- ok?

Not sure if it is a good idea, but u might think about preparing your pastor about your talk in advance-at least so he knows the general topic of your upcoming session. He may be more helpful than hearing this without warning.

I can't wait to hear more out your work and your journey-ur post was Inspiring.

I AM on an emotional roller coaster. I have always been a volitale, emotional person. But now that I have told my story to that one person, I feel anxious and want to share again and more. Soon I will be telling my pastor. I will let you know how it goes and how we will go about things. And God willing I will get the courage to open up to the most important people in my life.....my wife and a few other family members. For now it seems that I privy to opening up to recent friends. Not sure what is up with that.

THanks for the encouragement,

Monkey

WOW...we are so much alike! I figured there are many men on MS that have these same "fitting in" issues. But it is nice to know and read about others. I never was a boy/kid/man to pal around with the guys. I might have felt deep down that I was below that and embarrassed because of my underlining problems from the past. It has scarred my thinking for so long that I got accustomed to it.

My screen name has some sentimentality to it. As a kid(during my CSA year) I was called monkey because I had the natural ability to swing on the monkey bars, go upside down, jump all over. I even equalled my teacher the ability to reach from one end to another set of bars on the horizontal monkey bars. Not that I am a "knuckle dragger" HAHA. But yes I do have long arms. But "monkey" is fitting because I also had the natural ability for gymnastics. That was the sport I concentrated on as a kid into adulthood. Didn't help me "fit in" with the guys who did football, etc. and a community where they thought gymnastics was for girls :-\

Monkey (even at 46yo, still can do flips)

Good point Buck about letting my pastor know. I am supposed to have a short meeting with him(today I hope) and I will let him know more of what is going on. I have had some talks with him a month or two ago and I have hinted that there is some deep problems with me that I want to talk about. I don't think I will fully surprise him.
I am not a "manly, man" and I think I come across to people as someone who is in touch with his "female" side too often.
He has dealt with councelling homesexuality and perversion and other issues along that line in our congregation. He even has been the brunt of a scandal in the past that he is open about. So I feel he would be a person I can console with.

Monkey

What does this mean?

Monkey,

I would not try to label sexual abuse or damaged sexuality as perversion or homosexuality.

In my experience, those labels don't lead to a deeper understanding of the issues that we sexual abuse survivors struggle with, nor do they lead to foundational healing.

Be able to opening discuss what happened to us, and what the consequences have been, in a supportive, non-judgemental environment is much more clarifying and freeing, IMHO.

I realize different groups have an understanding of human sexuality that stems from their own agenda - all over the map. My hope is that freely discussing our problems and what happened and our reactions lead to an awakening/understanding rather than labeling or simplified diagnosis.

I once had an expensive psychotherapist who gave me all kinds of labels which only distracted me from the real underlying truths about my abuse, damaged sense of self, broken sexuality, and fear of intimacy. It was a waste of my money and time and only dug me deeper into a corner.

Regardless, step ahead and practice and let us know how things go. Your recovery and experience are welcome here.

Blessings on your journey,

Report back!

Jamie