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#379547 - 12/15/11 06:40 AM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: Tyr]
TheTwoOfUs Offline


Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
Well. Home from work now. And have to be at the T in about 3 hours.

I need to bring the lab reports with me; sis is also wanting to come on this one. He needs to know this development. So why in the hell am I so bloody scared of showing it to him?

Argh.

_________________________
Matthew

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

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#379571 - 12/15/11 10:46 AM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1447
Your brotherhood of support is in place and ready here at MS as you wind down that important session....

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Eirik




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#379620 - 12/15/11 06:30 PM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: Chase Eric]
TheTwoOfUs Offline


Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
Ok.. first, I have to say I really am starting to at least respect this T. If nothing else, he at least seems to have a ton of patience. It should be noted that my T sessions are remarkably quiet most of the time. I can't speak yet; not on a lot.

I often I have to snag his notebook or I come with my own and just write down answers to his queries. I still haave problems with shutting down when trying to talk. Marie's gotten past the shutdown-on-speech thing, I'm not really there yet. But he's been very patient so far with it; not eveen so much as an eye roll when I have to start writing in order to get anywhere.

Lab results came with me; sis did indeed show for this one. Was a little tricky with a toddler running around the room (didn't have a sitter for her). But it got done.

We covered that, we covered the groups phobic thing, we covered the sleep thing and the lack of appetite. He wants me on some kind of sedative to sleep. I'm not sleeping much right now. Get to sleep, wake up as soon as the nightmares start. Get back to sleep, wake up again. I can run myself to the point of exhaustion and still not stay asleep. I can be up three, four, five days before I finally drop, and then I sleep for about eighteen hours and it starts all over again.

He also wants me at least nibbling on something small every two or three hours, even if I can't get a normal sized portion down. The trick is keeping it down, I generally can't keep it in me for long, it comes back up. So if this doesn't work, I'm supposed to start just taking some of the liquid supplements and stuff...

So... egh. That's where it's at for now, I guess. Next appt in a week.

_________________________
Matthew

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

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#379901 - 12/17/11 11:54 PM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
TheTwoOfUs Offline


Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
Do NOT want to be at work tonight. Tired. Cranky. Worn down. And do NOT like the idea of leaving sis home alone, period. That's getting harder instead of easier, lately. I'm hoping it's just a phase that will pass and that I'm just amped up anxiety-wise and stress-wise at the moment. She's a big girl. Not a little kid.

On a positive note - I actually managed a store tonight on the way into work. Not a big grocery store with a TON of people type store. Just a little convenience store/gas station type of spot. But I managed to actually get what I needed and get out without a panic attack. Not sure how, yet, but it's something, and I'll take it! Been working on the stupid groups thing almost since it started. For me, it's a huge step. Anything over 3 people in the same room and I usually start getting antsy.



Edited by TheTwoOfUs (12/18/11 12:02 AM)
_________________________
Matthew

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

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#379908 - 12/18/11 04:26 AM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
Great step Matthew!

_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#380149 - 12/20/11 08:29 AM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: Tyr]
TheTwoOfUs Offline


Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
You know... I keep telling myself "it's not your fault."

I tell myself a lot, "if you could have stopped it, you would have."

But it doesn't work. Not all the way. I don't blame myself for most of what happened to me directly, but I just can NOT seem to apply the same logic to the inability to get Sis out of it... I just can't seem to get that through my thick skull. I can't, just haven't been able to apply the same logic to my sister's involvement. Still furious with myself for not being able to get her loose, for my involvement in hurting her, and yes I know, it was out of my control, but that just doesn't seem to be enough, either. Sometimes I wonder if I would be dealing with it any better if she had NOT been involved, or if I'd been able to at least get her out. It pisses me the HELL off! To the point sometimes of just pounding on a heavy bag until my knuckles split open. She's the baby sis. I'm supposed to be able to at least protect my sister, if not myself!

And I am soooo SICK of the body memories, too. I almost decked a coworker tonight, and it wasn't his fault. I swear I FELT it, could FEEL myself getting dragged down again. And I swung, and I damn near hit him. There are times I just want to stop what I'm doing and simply scream. It's infuriating. It's frustrating. They feel so damned REAL, I react before my brain has even registered that it was a figment of imagination and not the here-and-now! ARGH!

I don't want to hurt someone. I'm really worried that I'm going to wind up hurting somebody over this. My responses are WAY too fast. I warn people all the time to not stand inside of my arms' reach... they don't always listen or remember it... do I need to put a sign on my back that tells everyone that I'm a potential danger to you? Get back, stay back, wild wolf, might turn and bite without warning!

I dunno. Frustrated with it. Not sure how to stop them or if I just have to wait them out and give it time or what. I work in construction. With things like drills and hammers and scaffolds and brick and mortar and lumber. I can't afford to be dangerous to someone else. This is a field guys get killed in for making a silly mistake. Now they got a guy who randomly freaks out and swings?? Maybe he needs to stop working for a while? Or maybe find a job to work in that can't get people killed when he lashes out and turns on them, huh?

Frustrated.



Edited by TheTwoOfUs (12/20/11 08:34 AM)
Edit Reason: Spelling Errors
_________________________
Matthew

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

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#380535 - 12/23/11 07:49 PM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
TheTwoOfUs Offline


Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
Rough night last night - lot of flashbacks and body mems - but good day today. I think this is the first time in a week I've actually slept...

Got no idea how it happened, but glad for it anyway. Was up six and a half days this time, got a solid ten hours in. I woke up on the floor (started on the bed), but it was sleep. Makes a huge difference. And I have to wonder if the exhaustion allows for a higher frequency of flashbacks anbd body mems and the like...

_________________________
Matthew

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

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#380563 - 12/24/11 04:51 AM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
hey there. glad you got a bit of sleep. its a good thing=

cant sleep here either. even tried standard coping mechs and still not happening. sighs oh well.

_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#380608 - 12/24/11 04:14 PM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: Tyr]
TheTwoOfUs Offline


Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
Tyr,

Been wondering about you. Sorry your not sleeping so good. A little sleep helps, that's for sure.

_________________________
Matthew

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

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#380708 - 12/26/11 09:51 AM Re: Phobias? **Possible Triggers** [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
TheTwoOfUs Offline


Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
So. F*ing. Angry.

That is all.



Edited by TheTwoOfUs (12/26/11 09:51 AM)
_________________________
Matthew

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

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