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#37942 - 11/23/03 01:06 PM hurt, wwant to end
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
ii hatte myyself bbeyond aanyythingg ii havee everr ffelt beforee. i hhurrt aa good ffriend bbyb nnoot beeing hoonestt, aand thaat kills mme, annd he wonn't even lett me trry to eexplain oor apoloogize. all tthe loost ttrustt aand all tthe hhurtt, tthee oothter ddaay ii ttrried tto eend mmysself, but threew up tthe pills, aand mmy ttheraapisst madde me ggo tto the hoostpital ffor aan eevaaluation, tthey llet me ccome home. so mmanny new memories ccoming and hurrting so badd. i amm so scared aandd jjuust waant iit to all eend wwant me too endd. i juust feel totallly out oof my miingd ii can''t think straiight, ii can''t take itt anyymore, ii'm ssorry.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#37943 - 11/23/03 01:59 PM Re: hurt, wwant to end
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Scott - I can hear your pain, hurts and frustration...I know they are real and destructive. But we have all come to realize that feelings, even those deep within, will pass in time if we can hold on. Better feelings lie ahead. Sometimes our relationships, contacts and acquaintances distract us from why we are here (to heal ourselves) and even cause more problems in our recovery. If you can just grab hold of the realization "calmer times are ahead" and try to re-establish your focus on what you need to do for you leaving all the rest aside, you can begin to re-stabilize your recovery.

My concern here is for you, Scott. You need to be the important one here. It is not selfish to focus on yourself and your recocvery. I realize the relationship is important to you but YOU are the most important right now. Relationships will come and go but YOU will be with yourself forever. Focus on what Scott needs to do for Scott. If you need to re-read articles, go to it. If you need the chat, go to that. Do what you need to do for your own recovery. You will find everything will work out in time. But for right now, you need to focus on you.

That focus does not include opting out - self injury. Taking pills, etc. is acting out your feelings. If you are not talking out your feelings, you are acting them out. Talking is the better of the two. You may need to work more with your T or work on some exercises, journaling, etc. outside of therapy too. But I encourage you to talk those feelings of hurt and pain out with your T. When you're really down, write them on paper so you can see what you're saying and show them to your T. Our primary goal here is to heal from our abuse!! The main thing is to keep your main thing THE MAIN THING!!

(((((((hugs)))))))

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#37944 - 11/23/03 03:27 PM Re: hurt, wwant to end
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
scott,
man i hear your pain. making such a perceived mistake only makes our thoughts of being inhuman and unworthy far more real doesn't it? i know exactly what you are feeling because i felt the same way four months ago when i betrayed lady theo. there was absolutely no way i could be worthy of her love after doing such a dispicable thing. do you want to know what the real miracle is here, scott? she forgave me and told me that she still loved me. i could not believe it for some time and even dissociated to escape, but i could not go far enough because my pain over hurting her was too great. i had to come back and that is when i realized she was still holding me in her arms. i don't know exactly what happened, scott, between you and your friend, but whatever it was, whether it was a mistake you truly made or a misunderstanding that got blown out of proportion, hold on!!!! in the midst of our pain we cannot think straight and want to do things that would harm not only ourselves but those we feel as though we already hurt. the pain is real, i know it is, but so is the friendship. hold on, scott, please hold on. the pain has to stop, yes, it does, but not like that, it will only get worse my friend because if we act on wanting to stop our pain it leaves a hole we can never fill, but, if we hold on while we are going through this we come out of it stronger for having survived it. we survived the worst kind of hell imaginable to inflict upon an innocent child, how can we throw that survival away when we cannot even think straight at the moment? we can't, scott, we can't!!! hold on, man!!!

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#37945 - 11/23/03 10:09 PM Re: hurt, wwant to end
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Hey, Scott,

I feel your pain and anguish. Man, it comes through so much. I'm glad you're still here, but we need to get you through this.

I don't know what I can say that will help. I'm dealing with constant shifting in pain myself. Just know that it will pass. It always does. You are a strong person, Scott. You matter. You matter to me. You matter to all of us.

Please consider getting help again if the pain gets too much. Bro, I KNOW that kind of desperation. It will get better, and I want you around here. You contribute. You have a lot to say, and I want to hear what you have to say.

I am holding you in my heart and thinking about you. No strings, bro. I love you.

Peace, my brother,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#37946 - 11/24/03 07:58 AM Re: hurt, wwant to end
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Scott,

Listen to what the guys are saying. You need to put your own recovery first. You are worth your own best efforts.

Talk about this with your T. Trying to kill yourself is pretty serious stuff, and though we here can "listen" when you get things out, it really is a matter to take to a pro.

You can't make your friend do anything. In time you may be reconciled, but it can't happen if you don't keep yourself safe.

Feelings and memories alone won't kill us, even though it can seem that they would. Howard's given you some great advice, "Talk this out don't act it out."

HTH,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#37947 - 11/24/03 09:13 AM Re: hurt, wwant to end
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Scott listen to Joe. The most important person in your recovery is you and dont ever forget it.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#37948 - 11/28/03 08:59 PM Re: hurt, wwant to end
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
I'm sorry about this guys, but I don't really remember posting this, was quite a shock when I saw it.

Anyway, thank you all for replying, I really do appreciate it. But has been rather difficult with all these memories that have been 'unleashed' in all their 'glory.' But I will survive it, I mean look at everything I have survived so far. Just hard to believe at times.

Thank you all again

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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