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#379141 - 12/12/11 02:41 PM I'm sorry 2
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
********Trigger warning*********
********Sexual vulgarity*********


Clearly.

Clearly...the offense does not begin or end with spousal relations. Rather, the stench can offend anyone down-wind...make them look up-wind in disgust; holding their noses, eyes clenched.

Its why the phone went silent and web accounts dead. I understand. If you spoke to me; if you called me; if you kept the same relationship you do with the cable company, I could apologize for disappointing you. I hid my infection, my decay. Some call it "shame." Others; The brave ones, call it "not their fault."

Dad. You use to call people with mental problems "flakes." Or say "well...Bronski went over the edge...screw loose...he's had it." Bronski was thusly stricken from the record in our household. I can't imagine what you think about your own son being hospitalized twice for being so flaky as to try to punch the clock too early. And I won't even imagine the euphemisms for me as a little boy with a mouth-full of dick or being fucked up my ass. I remember you saying "it turns em all queeeeeer." SURPRISE!!! It happened in white-bread, middle-Earth. LOL...wow...little wonder you never call or email-back.

Sister: You're the only surviving sister of three. You don't need to carry the load of three though. You got your own stuff to carry, but if you ditch me like this, you'll carry it alone...and I'll carry mine alone.

Step-mother: I don't know what to say or do around you, so I won't.

"Family & Friends" I read that forum name for the first time and thought, "huh...helping me to not die from this could be a group effort?" LMFAO!!!

If there were an award for "completeness in alienation." you and many friends would walk home with all the gold.

My son won't even bother to ask why my entire family ignored his 13th birthday. you've actually set a trend...an expectation. I won't even bother to ask if you got the emailed pictures of the little red schoolhouse I'm trying to rent as my next home.

I'm learning to re-harden my heart. There were very valid reasons to "temper" that particular organ back then. I never really named the reasons, but I know it had something to do with this "staying alive" shit.

I learned that in recovery, we can begin to thaw the frozen heart. That's not always a good idea though. The frozen heart can be stepped upon and not squish. The frozen heart can be kicked across the floor and spin to stop in front of the dog. The dog won't eat frozen meat. It burns their tongue.

Anyway...so sorry...I fucked-up your view of life just when it looked like I was truly a rock-star. Really....really sorry. I don't understand you and I finally no longer care to do so. All I can assure you is that my children will never end up like you or with you.


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#379156 - 12/12/11 05:11 PM Re: I'm sorry 2 [Re: Still]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Robbie,

I'm not sure I understand everything you've written here, but what really counts is the relationship with you have with your children. I know you'll keep putting your efforts into it.

You're a good man.
D.

_________________________
Female.

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#379163 - 12/12/11 06:03 PM Re: I'm sorry 2 [Re: Disappointed]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Thanks D, Sorry if it all sounds cryptic, but its the only way to say those very words.

I guess a summation soundbite would be this:

Quote:
I'm learning to re-harden my heart.


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#379165 - 12/12/11 06:12 PM Re: I'm sorry 2 [Re: Still]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1200
(((((((Robbie)))))))

You're a rock star to me.

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#379169 - 12/12/11 06:55 PM Re: I'm sorry 2 [Re: Chase Eric]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
To me too!!!


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#379172 - 12/12/11 07:05 PM Re: I'm sorry 2 [Re: Esposa]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
You can't pick your family. YOu can't make them respond in the ways you need them to. You can't change them. But you can take the parts that don't leave you wounded, and if there are none of those, you can make friends who can become as good or better than any family you were born to.

I hate this for you. Your threads break my heart. I wish there was more of a desire to understand. For all the shortcomings I have as a supporter, I never lose my desire to try to understand where you and every survivor is coming from. It heals nothing, but I pray it's a soothing salve on the rawness that life has dealt you.

Kids grow up and see all for themselves. They will see your courage. Your strength. Your determination. Your desire to set things right for the voiceless already here, and the many more unfortunately to follow.

So I mourn the loss of the people who should be beside you, behind you, around you. And I wait expectantly with you for the people who will step in and fill the gap.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#379175 - 12/12/11 08:42 PM Re: I'm sorry 2 [Re: GoodHope]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Robbie I am angry for you but Hope is right. My heart breaks and I know how much it hurts because I have watched my husband a grown man sob over the same thing with his family. Peace to you and a great big hug.


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#379177 - 12/12/11 08:50 PM Re: I'm sorry 2 [Re: Still]
sevenkevineleven Offline


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 12
Loc: florida
Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown
Thanks D, Sorry if it all sounds cryptic, but its the only way to say those very words.

I guess a summation soundbite would be this:

Quote:
I'm learning to re-harden my heart.


NO!!!
Screw that there's good days and terrible days!(i myself have just finished three terrible days)
Re-hardening you and your heart will just set you up for even more heartake later...


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#379218 - 12/13/11 04:29 AM Re: I'm sorry 2 [Re: sevenkevineleven]
stripeysocks Offline


Registered: 11/28/11
Posts: 43
Loc: US
I too feel angry for you Robbie.

When I was 19 I got married to someone I shouldn't have and it went horribly. I left him a few years later, got a divorce and suddenly all my friends turned on me, telling me I'd go to Hell, etc, never mind what he did to me.

Rather than harden your heart I'd like to humbly suggest you look into building up boundaries in your psyche that keep you safe. This is something I had to learn to do after surviving child abuse.


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#379226 - 12/13/11 08:55 AM Re: I'm sorry 2 [Re: stripeysocks]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
Don't harden your heart Robbie. It's yours.

Instead, read RUIZ - the 4 agreements. Like stripey socks is saying, there are ways to protect yourself WITHOUT handicapping yourself. Leave your heart open because you may want to share it with someone someday.


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