Always the f*****g weekends with me. I must be manic-depressive. No offense to anyone who who has been actually diagnosed with this.
I've got an allnighter paper thing tonight, and I can't sleep. First dream I can remember in a long time and it's painful. More painful than the memories of the abuse.
My mother died almost 5 years ago, and it's close to my birthday (11/30). For the first time in a long time, I let myself remember her dying. It was from cancer. It was painful for her and the rest of us in her family. I told my oldest sister about my abuse last night and the discussion went toward Mom dying, which is the most painful thing that I ever endured. Yeah, selfish, since it was her who went through the illness and dying part.
I was trying to get a few hours of sleep before going off to the papers, and I had a dream that I was back in the house I grew up in. My Mom was alive again and we hugged. I felt her. I felt so happy. She told me she was proud of me and that she was sorry she didn't protect me, the whole bit. I told her that it was all right, that nothing could stop me from loving her, that I was glad to just have this time with her again. And then, when I let go of her, she collapsed and died in front of me. Again. I cried like a baby when I woke up.
God, I miss her. There's a little bit of anger now that I remember the abuse. Why didn't she notice? Why didn't she protect me? Then, to have her "die" again when I told her it didn't matter....God, it hurts.
I feel so guilty now. Why did I have to remember this dream? It hurts. And the anger with the "MJ Media Circus." Why?
Maybe I am bipolar. I don't know.