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#379102 - 12/12/11 02:13 AM My Introduction and Story
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
I am new to MaleSurvivor.org and this is the Reader's Digest very condensed version of the story how I ended up here.

I was an unwanted son. My father frequently told me that I was an accident and that he didn't love me. He also told me I was a loser, quitter, a failure and that I'd never amount to anything in life. He also sometimes told me he wished I would be killed in an accident and never come home. My father also cheated on my mother and my parents divorced when I was 15. My father cut off all contact with me when I was 20 and in college. Because of these "father wounds" I was a constant target for bullying at school, and this continued until I went to a different school in the 7th grade.

When I was in the 5th grade, another boy talked me into letting him perform oral sex on me in the field behind the school playground during recess. He wanted me to return the "favor," but I conveniently avoided being alone with him after that.

I was sexually molested, including sodomy when I was 12 years old. This was done by the 15 year old boy across the street, when he invited me to sleep over in his backyard tent. Because he was older, I looked up to him as a little brother would, and wanted his attention.

One time when I was alone with my father, he made me masturbate in front of him. Since he hated me and I was terrified of him, it was unusual for him to do anything with me, and I didn't want to be alone with him. Because I was only 12, I wasn't able to ejaculate or have a very large erection, so my father humiliated me and made me feel inferior. He pulled out his erect penis to demonstrate to me how I should hold mine, if it were big enough. I got a clear message from this event, that I didn't measure up as a man.

When I was about 14 or 15, my Scoutmaster started "grooming" me. He saw a wounded little boy with a huge need for a man's affection and attention. He started to build my confidence by telling me how smart and wonderful I was. He told me I could accomplish anything I wanted to. He also hugged me, which I craved. He was giving me the love, affection, attention and affirmation that I desperately needed, but never got from my father.

After some time, the Scoutmaster started taking me into another room during the meetings and he'd start by hugging me. Eventually he was undressing me, kissing me all over, hugging me naked and performing oral sex on me. This happened during Scout meetings and progressed to happening at his home each afternoon, after I got off school. This abuse went on for two years or a little more. I hated what he was doing to me, but I tolerated it because I was starved for a man's attention. Getting the love, affection, attention and affirmation from him would have all been a good thing for me, but it was undone when he sexually molested me. The message I got from the abuse, was that I could only be accepted by a man if I consented to letting him use me sexually.

I am starting to see that many things in my life were the result of my abuse. I used to believe that I was a failure, quitter, loser, etc. because that is what my father told me. Anyway, I now know that I have a very poor self image, and in fact I hate myself. My self image is so poor, that I subconsciously and consciously sabotage anything and everything good in my life. This includes jobs, relationships, college (dropped out), church memberships/positions and everything. It has also resulted in me feeling immature and unable to cope with ordinary things in life. I am a good employee, but when things get a little rough, I sabotage by quitting. I've had so many jobs in my life that it's embarrassing and shameful.

Right now, I am having a great deal of fear about my future. Unless I get some degree of normalcy and ability to hold down a job, I fear never working again and being all alone in life. I am hoping to somehow get money for a Therapist and get help here too.



_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379110 - 12/12/11 06:38 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
Welcome, Undefeated!

You are definitely in the right place. You will find many of us who understand where you are coming from. The challenges are there, yes, but they are deafeatable!!


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#379126 - 12/12/11 10:02 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Undefeated,

Your intro could have been written by me except that my abuse occured when I had just turned 14 yo.

Your feelings of fear, shame, embarassment, humiliation, etc. These feelings are part of almost, if not all people who have been abused. A lot of the time, when family, or people that you look up to are involved it also makes things worse for the abused.

First, You know what your problem is and have told people about it, and that is a big first step towards healing.

It isn't an easy road and there will be many detours. Just remember that a detour will get you back to the main road, even if it's later than the direct route. Treat each detour as a learning solution; next time it will be a little easier and then a little easier the next time, etc.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#379207 - 12/13/11 12:42 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: cris40ky]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Originally Posted By: cris40ky
Welcome, Undefeated!

You are definitely in the right place. You will find many of us who understand where you are coming from. The challenges are there, yes, but they are deafeatable!!


Thank you! I appreciate your kind words of encouragement. I wish I was that optimistic, but I have some doubts. I feel a bit like I am playing a game with the clock and how much healing I can achieve in time to cope with upcoming changes in my life.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379211 - 12/13/11 12:52 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Sailor John]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Originally Posted By: Sailor John
Hi Undefeated,

Your intro could have been written by me except that my abuse occured when I had just turned 14 yo.

Your feelings of fear, shame, embarassment, humiliation, etc. These feelings are part of almost, if not all people who have been abused. A lot of the time, when family, or people that you look up to are involved it also makes things worse for the abused.

First, You know what your problem is and have told people about it, and that is a big first step towards healing.

It isn't an easy road and there will be many detours. Just remember that a detour will get you back to the main road, even if it's later than the direct route. Treat each detour as a learning solution; next time it will be a little easier and then a little easier the next time, etc.


Thank you Sailor John!

I feel like I have never been on the main road, so it's not a matter of getting back there, but getting there for the first time ever.

Right now, the self-sabotage and self-loathing are a major obstacle in my life. I've had so many jobs and I have not had a job since this last spring, so I feel unemployable. I am a good, hard working and honest employee, but I always end up quitting, and it's a subconscious and uncontrollable thing.

I know I need a lot more therapy, but in 11 sessions, the men's counselor was unable to help me overcome my self-sabotage problem. One of his suggestions was for me to think, "I am a better man than that. I am not going to let this thing get the better of me!" It didn't work, because the little voice of my father and the CSA are still stronger. My father told me I was worthless and a quitter, then I was only wonderful to the perp until I got too old to appeal to him anymore, then I was discarded.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379224 - 12/13/11 08:11 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Undefeated,

Your name says it all. You are strong enough to get through this detour. You HAVE BEEN on the main road. Just by starting therapy and telling somebody else like on this site, you got onto the main road at least once, if not more often. This IS ONLY a detour.

Is your therapist trained in treating Male CSA? Do you prefer a therapist, a doctor, a dentist, etc. of the same or opposite sex? Do you want somebody to push you a little, if it's needed? I only put it together why I hated male doctors and dentists after I accepted how I was abused. I now have a female doctor and dentist and don't mind going to either of them for anything. I feel they are both, if not the best, one of the best, in their chosen fields anywhere.

You ARE a survivor. Remember that you were in NO WAY, NO HOW, NO ANYTHING responsible for aquiring ths garbage but it's something we are all left with to clean up.

Your perp is still controling your thinking and you have to tell yourself that you are no longer going allow that. You have so much garbage both emotional and physical left by your perp, I think you need a therapist well trained and experienced in treating Male CSA.

Remember that none of us had anything to do with being burdened by this garbage but we have to deal with. There is nothing wrong with seeking out a therapist you get along with who is trained in treating Male CSA. Like your therapist said, You ARE stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Good Luck and keep up the good fight. Eventually you will be healed.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#379229 - 12/13/11 09:09 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Sailor John]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1400
Welcome to MS, Undefeated...

It is through shared experience here that I have discovered my secrets were not unique to me alone. We were each in our own little universe of dirt. In my case, I thought I was the only one that had to do those "secret things" - that all my other friends were "normal" (despite my perp's insistence that everyone did it). It is here at the MS forum that I truly - viscerally - realized I am not alone in the universe. As little boys we were isolated in our shame - here we are united in our strength. I have found here the brothers I wish I had when I was 12. Undefeated indeed!

What particularly resonated with me in your story was the abuse in the tent by an older boy you looked up to as a "brother". Most of my CSA occurred starting at age 12 by a next door neighborhood boy who was 15-16 in either the tent pitched in my own back yard or in one of the basements of our homes.

I never experienced the extent of the abuse that you did - and my heart goes out to you. It takes remarkable strength to address the past as you are. Congratulations on taking the step to come here.

_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#379251 - 12/13/11 11:03 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Sailor John]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Sailor John,

Thanks again for your suggestions. I don't have a therapist or counselor right now, because I have no way to pay one. I have something in the works that may help me to get some money for counseling/therapy sometime in the future.

I have found a therapist on MS that sounds good to me, and he is experienced with male CSA. I wouldn't be comfortable with a female counselor. There's too much sexual stuff to discuss and I feel a man is much more comfortable for me.

I appreciate your advice and encouragement.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379260 - 12/13/11 11:27 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Chase Eric]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Chase Eric,

Thanks for the kind welcome and words of encouragement.

I am sorry for the severity of your abuse as well. It sounds like your situation was similar to mine, there is a lifetime of baggage left behind.

I have read a few of your posts here on MS, and I am impressed how far you have come just since you joined. You have a gift of encouragement.

Thanks again!

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379392 - 12/14/11 03:14 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
derrick Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/10
Posts: 94
Loc: North Carolina
Dear Undefeated

Welcome to the board Glad you found us - sorry you qualify

_________________________
My Story http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...5766#Post335766

Alumnai of May 2011 DAHLONEGA (a life changeing event)
Alumnai of October 2010 WOR Hope Springs
Dahlonega

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#379513 - 12/14/11 11:07 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: derrick]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Thank you Derrick. I appreciate your kind welcome. Agreed that it would be good not to qualify, but better to work on healing, I think.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379524 - 12/15/11 12:06 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Mikedee Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/08/11
Posts: 12
Hello Undefeated,

I am also pretty new to MS, but already feel at home. Know you are not alone and we all have or do feel the same thing you are feeling. My biggest problems right now is that I still blame myself and am ashamed. I know that is wrong and I'm working my way through it one step at a time.

Welcome!

_________________________
Mike
-----------------
Taking it one day at a time and learning to live and love

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#379525 - 12/15/11 12:14 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Mikedee]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Thank you for the welcome Mike.

You know this, but it is not your fault, even if you willingly let your perp molest you. The fault is always upon the adult who should have a moral sense of right and wrong. A child cannot ever set aside his need for affection, attention and affirmation from an adult male and be responsible for the abuse. Don't blame yourself anymore. The perp intentionally harmed you for their own sick pleasure.

Welcome to you as well!

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379660 - 12/15/11 11:04 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Chase Eric]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric

I never experienced the extent of the abuse that you did - and my heart goes out to you. It takes remarkable strength to address the past as you are. Congratulations on taking the step to come here.

Chase Eric,

I want to tell you that I have read your story and your abuse was indeed severe. I don't agree that your abuse was in any way of a lesser extent than mine. I am so sorry for what all you have been through. You have shown remarkable strength and are an encouragement to a lot of guys here.

BTW, No abuse is minor. Even one little incident can reap a lifetime of wounds. frown

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379685 - 12/16/11 03:22 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Howdy,

I too am a self-loather.
BUT
I want to ask you; what kind of work are you looking for?
What were you going for in college?
Can you translate your hobbies into a career type?

I see you have problems just like we all do. What you do need now is employment, and benefits so you can start seeing a Therapist. Am I right? Or, am I putting the cart before the horse?

Lo Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#379722 - 12/16/11 12:54 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Lo Don]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Hi Lo Don!

Right now, I am in my early 50's. I would pretty much have to just take another "entry level" job, because no one regards any of my experience, because it is not "recent enough." I am very good at working with people and I have been in low-level management in the past, but no one will ever hire me for that now, or anything for that matter. I feel washed up.

I was a Bible Major in College and I was going to be a Pastor. I am gifted in that area, but I sabotaged the college (plus major ADD study problems, which I see are from CSA now too) and due to some of my own sexual addiction problems (sabotage again) I do not believe I am eligible to be in ministry.

My biggest hobby for life has been Horticulture. I love plants and gardening. My last job was working in a Garden Center and I loved doing that, but it doesn't pay very well and it's just seasonal. Nurseries and Greenhouses usually pay minimum wage. frown

I am being represented in a legal action against my perp. I am worried about that, because if I don't get a settlement, I will have to pay legal expenses (I have no $), but one of the things the Lawyer is asking for, is money for me to go to a Therapist. I've even picked a counselor (from here on MS) that I am convinced is the right therapist for my problems. Honestly, I cannot make enough money to pay for T myself. Where I live, they are starting people at just $8 to $9 an hour, for what was $12 to $15 an hour 20 years ago. frown

If I lose that legal action, I hate to admit it, but I don't think I can make it. I can't be functional without counseling. I can't go on having job after job after job anymore. It's really shameful, but I have had over 40 jobs since I was 15. This is really a serious issue now.

Thanks



Edited by Undefeated (12/16/11 01:02 PM)
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379734 - 12/16/11 03:44 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: derrick]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
I assist people obtain employment. I look at their skills, knowledge, abilities, work experience, education and hobbies. If that is not possible, we need to seek OJT (On the Job Training), or education such as vocational, skill center, colleges,

Now, there is financing. Grants, scholarships (you do not have to pay back). I know what you are thinking; "I can't get a grant or scholarship, I wasn't the quarterback in high school, and not a straight 'A' student in high school. No, there are people out there who will give money for you to get an education; not government either. These are private citizens. They look to help people such as themselves:ie: Polish/American, female, and other similarities.
Also, are you a Veteran? There is the GI Bill, Vocational Rehabilitation.
The Federal Goverment has a program called WIA (Workforce Investment Act) they pay for training but not college.

In california we have a computer system that is managed by the State Employment Office. You put yourself in and then enter in a portion called 'Job Scout', this will sent you jobs in you vocation everyday to you e mail. You read the de>
_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#379803 - 12/17/11 01:48 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Lo Don]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Thanks Don!

Colorado does have a jobs program such as you describe, and I have been in that for quite some time. At one time here in Colorado, we were assigned job counselors. They don't have that anymore. Everyone uses the online system and is pretty much on their own. I need someone that can talk me through how I handle a resume filled with so many short term jobs. I need help in how I handle the tough interview questions about, "Why did you leave that job, blah, blah, blah?" I have been rejected so many times, I wouldn't hire myself either, so how do I overcome that? How does someone "put their best foot forward," when they have such a sketchy job history. As I say, I am a good, honest and hardworking employee, but I keep sabotaging. If a miracle happens and I get an interview, how can I present myself and being excited and interested in a job I know will end in just another sabotaged disaster, just as the 40+ jobs before? How about this interview question, "It looks like you've had a lot of jobs and never stayed anywhere very long. Why is that? Will you leave here after a short time too?"

As for going back to school, I don't want to repeat what happened to my college education. frown

Honestly, my age and the economy is enough that many experts would say someone like me might never work again, BUT even worse is my mental state. I cannot handle rejection or criticism. I'd say my problem is about 60% economy and 500% messed up mentally. (I know, bad math. LOL)

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379808 - 12/17/11 02:41 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
That is what I wanted to know. You filled in most of the blanks. I am going to assume you are not a Veteran. Are you in the Denver area? I can find out what arrangements they make at their career centers and One Stops. You do have a lot to offer.
I feel the positions you have taken and soon left were not a right fit and did not challenge you skills, interests and abilities. You made the mistake of accepting those jobs without considering it as the job for you. Many people make that mistake. They originally feel they need employment but don't look at how it works for them. I will not leave this position, when it works in my interests and abilities; on the contrary, I will stay long term. By staying in those positions, I was doing just a disservice to them as it was doing to me.

I thought not for retraining, but I thought I would entertain it.
I am still trying to figure out a way for you to obtain Counseling for your mental health. Don't worry about saying that, I am not without mental health issues. I hope there is a way, 'cause I know how it hurts deep inside when your boy within you is still screaming to help him. I still here him inside me, all the time.

I hear you say you have had management experience. That could be a way to get you in a major corporation.

A friend,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#379830 - 12/17/11 09:42 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Lo Don]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2439
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother, Undefeated.

A late welcome from Germany.
Welcome to MS. Here you will receive compassion, understanding & hope. From your brothers (fraternal) & friends (in pain.)

We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

Be prepaired for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life. You already are experiencing that.

My story has a lot in common with yours.

Again, sorry for my late welcome.

My fraternal brother, Undefeated, wishing you well in healing. You are on your way.

'I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, foreve r into eternity'. As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#379852 - 12/17/11 04:11 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: petercorbett]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Hello brother Peter!

Thank you so much for the warm welcome. No apology needed for the late welcome. I am the worst at keeping up with everyone.

How true about this being a roller-coaster ride. For many years, I was damaged and dysfunctional and I never really understood why, except to think I was just a loser and inferior to everyone else. Now that I see all these traits are not just character flaws, but stuff that all CSA survivors deal with to one extent or another, it helps me.

I have read some of your posts, and yes we do have a lot in common.

Thanks again!

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379854 - 12/17/11 04:15 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Lo Don]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Hello Don,

I want to post my real name here so bad, but this job thing is one reason I won't do that. I have read some news stories how 50% of employers now do web searches for any information they can find on applicants before even offering an interview. I don't want any of them finding all my stuff about CSA and how it affects my job performance, or I will never he hired. I want to get to a point of mental stability and self-confidence where this stuff no longer causes me to self-loathe and self-destruct.

I will reply to you privately a little later. That way I can share more personal information, such as where I live and so forth.

Thanks for your suggestions and encouragement. It means a lot to me.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379860 - 12/17/11 05:01 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1400
Hi, Undefeated -

There is absolutely no problem using a pseudonym here. In fact, the site guidelines strongly recommend NOT using real names and not following others off-site. I learned that lesson well - one of my first posts here, although somewhat controversial, inflamed the ire of someone who was so triggered that he threatened to hurt me (that post was removed by the moderators for that reason). If I had any qualms about using a pseudonym before that, I definitely had none afterwards.

This place is all about safety and sharing. Do what you need to do to stay safe and you'll find the only people who would have a problem with that are either those who do not understand how important that is to those of us recovering from CSA/ASA or those who do not want you to be safe.

_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#379863 - 12/17/11 05:10 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Chase Eric]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Thanks Chase Eric! I appreciate the advice on this. It's a shame you had someone that upset with you. Not your fault that something is such a trigger. Honestly, I am triggered by a lot of this too, but that is something to work through and get beyond. Sweeping it under the rug never, ever helps us heal and get past it.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#445200 - 08/23/13 12:22 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
"Right now, I am having a great deal of fear about my future. Unless I get some degree of normalcy and ability to hold down a job, I fear never working again and being all alone in life. I am hoping to somehow get money for a Therapist and get help here too."

just wondering how you are doing these days?

i love the name you chose...
i feel the same way...
undefeated!

please accept this belated welcome message.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#445213 - 08/23/13 02:37 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome Undefeated.
You had every right to have all the acceptance, attention, and affection you needed, right up to bursting, without any of the abuse and exploitation.
Completely not your fault.
If you were a loser, quitter, or failure you wouldn't be here! None of those things would be brave enough to tell the truth about what happened, or reach out about it.
Kudos. Good on ya!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#445307 - 08/24/13 02:05 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
victim|victor and Onesimus75,

Thanks for the welcome and postings. I haven't posted here for some time, but I am thankful you asked about me.

My mother died this week and I am having a very difficult time. Seeing her suffer was very traumatic for me. The care she needed the past three months of her life made her and me both broke. I am concerned about how I will meet my expenses.

Because Medicaid required us both to pay down to under $2,000, it left me in need of assistance too. Had we known, my mother could have paid me as caregiver over the past year and it would have let her go right on Medicaid and preserved all her money.

I'm alone now and feeling the loss, plus I feel like I have no purpose in life now.

I have applied for Social Security Disability and I know everyone is denied once or twice and they need to appeal the decision. The Doctor I was sent to reported that I am completely unable to work due to psychological problems, ADD and some physical problems as well.

Now that I am on Medicaid, I am finally getting some help from a therapist and I am on my second week of wellbutrin for depression and ADD. I know it takes a month before some people see results. One thing I can say is that it doesn't help with grief! How I ended up seeing the therapist is because someone called the Police and reported that I was suicidal.

I am not suicidal now, but I feel like I just don't want to go on; However, I am hanging in there.
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#445321 - 08/24/13 08:39 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 770
Loc: michigan
hey undefeated
Grief is a terrible process in the best of times, I'm sorry you are having to deal with that. also I am glad that you recognized the need and came here to your fellow survivors there is a rich resource here to help with coping and then as you come through the process you end up with friends which is huge. I can imagine it is hard to see how things are going to be ok again man but in time and especially with help you will come through and remain undefeated. hope it happens fast for you man
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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