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#379513 - 12/14/11 11:07 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: derrick]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Thank you Derrick. I appreciate your kind welcome. Agreed that it would be good not to qualify, but better to work on healing, I think.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379524 - 12/15/11 12:06 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Mikedee Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/08/11
Posts: 12
Hello Undefeated,

I am also pretty new to MS, but already feel at home. Know you are not alone and we all have or do feel the same thing you are feeling. My biggest problems right now is that I still blame myself and am ashamed. I know that is wrong and I'm working my way through it one step at a time.

Welcome!

_________________________
Mike
-----------------
Taking it one day at a time and learning to live and love

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#379525 - 12/15/11 12:14 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Mikedee]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Thank you for the welcome Mike.

You know this, but it is not your fault, even if you willingly let your perp molest you. The fault is always upon the adult who should have a moral sense of right and wrong. A child cannot ever set aside his need for affection, attention and affirmation from an adult male and be responsible for the abuse. Don't blame yourself anymore. The perp intentionally harmed you for their own sick pleasure.

Welcome to you as well!

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379660 - 12/15/11 11:04 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Chase Eric]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric

I never experienced the extent of the abuse that you did - and my heart goes out to you. It takes remarkable strength to address the past as you are. Congratulations on taking the step to come here.

Chase Eric,

I want to tell you that I have read your story and your abuse was indeed severe. I don't agree that your abuse was in any way of a lesser extent than mine. I am so sorry for what all you have been through. You have shown remarkable strength and are an encouragement to a lot of guys here.

BTW, No abuse is minor. Even one little incident can reap a lifetime of wounds. frown

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379685 - 12/16/11 03:22 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Howdy,

I too am a self-loather.
BUT
I want to ask you; what kind of work are you looking for?
What were you going for in college?
Can you translate your hobbies into a career type?

I see you have problems just like we all do. What you do need now is employment, and benefits so you can start seeing a Therapist. Am I right? Or, am I putting the cart before the horse?

Lo Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#379722 - 12/16/11 12:54 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Lo Don]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Hi Lo Don!

Right now, I am in my early 50's. I would pretty much have to just take another "entry level" job, because no one regards any of my experience, because it is not "recent enough." I am very good at working with people and I have been in low-level management in the past, but no one will ever hire me for that now, or anything for that matter. I feel washed up.

I was a Bible Major in College and I was going to be a Pastor. I am gifted in that area, but I sabotaged the college (plus major ADD study problems, which I see are from CSA now too) and due to some of my own sexual addiction problems (sabotage again) I do not believe I am eligible to be in ministry.

My biggest hobby for life has been Horticulture. I love plants and gardening. My last job was working in a Garden Center and I loved doing that, but it doesn't pay very well and it's just seasonal. Nurseries and Greenhouses usually pay minimum wage. frown

I am being represented in a legal action against my perp. I am worried about that, because if I don't get a settlement, I will have to pay legal expenses (I have no $), but one of the things the Lawyer is asking for, is money for me to go to a Therapist. I've even picked a counselor (from here on MS) that I am convinced is the right therapist for my problems. Honestly, I cannot make enough money to pay for T myself. Where I live, they are starting people at just $8 to $9 an hour, for what was $12 to $15 an hour 20 years ago. frown

If I lose that legal action, I hate to admit it, but I don't think I can make it. I can't be functional without counseling. I can't go on having job after job after job anymore. It's really shameful, but I have had over 40 jobs since I was 15. This is really a serious issue now.

Thanks



Edited by Undefeated (12/16/11 01:02 PM)
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379734 - 12/16/11 03:44 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: derrick]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
I assist people obtain employment. I look at their skills, knowledge, abilities, work experience, education and hobbies. If that is not possible, we need to seek OJT (On the Job Training), or education such as vocational, skill center, colleges,

Now, there is financing. Grants, scholarships (you do not have to pay back). I know what you are thinking; "I can't get a grant or scholarship, I wasn't the quarterback in high school, and not a straight 'A' student in high school. No, there are people out there who will give money for you to get an education; not government either. These are private citizens. They look to help people such as themselves:ie: Polish/American, female, and other similarities.
Also, are you a Veteran? There is the GI Bill, Vocational Rehabilitation.
The Federal Goverment has a program called WIA (Workforce Investment Act) they pay for training but not college.

In california we have a computer system that is managed by the State Employment Office. You put yourself in and then enter in a portion called 'Job Scout', this will sent you jobs in you vocation everyday to you e mail. You read the de>
_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#379803 - 12/17/11 01:48 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Lo Don]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Thanks Don!

Colorado does have a jobs program such as you describe, and I have been in that for quite some time. At one time here in Colorado, we were assigned job counselors. They don't have that anymore. Everyone uses the online system and is pretty much on their own. I need someone that can talk me through how I handle a resume filled with so many short term jobs. I need help in how I handle the tough interview questions about, "Why did you leave that job, blah, blah, blah?" I have been rejected so many times, I wouldn't hire myself either, so how do I overcome that? How does someone "put their best foot forward," when they have such a sketchy job history. As I say, I am a good, honest and hardworking employee, but I keep sabotaging. If a miracle happens and I get an interview, how can I present myself and being excited and interested in a job I know will end in just another sabotaged disaster, just as the 40+ jobs before? How about this interview question, "It looks like you've had a lot of jobs and never stayed anywhere very long. Why is that? Will you leave here after a short time too?"

As for going back to school, I don't want to repeat what happened to my college education. frown

Honestly, my age and the economy is enough that many experts would say someone like me might never work again, BUT even worse is my mental state. I cannot handle rejection or criticism. I'd say my problem is about 60% economy and 500% messed up mentally. (I know, bad math. LOL)

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379808 - 12/17/11 02:41 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
That is what I wanted to know. You filled in most of the blanks. I am going to assume you are not a Veteran. Are you in the Denver area? I can find out what arrangements they make at their career centers and One Stops. You do have a lot to offer.
I feel the positions you have taken and soon left were not a right fit and did not challenge you skills, interests and abilities. You made the mistake of accepting those jobs without considering it as the job for you. Many people make that mistake. They originally feel they need employment but don't look at how it works for them. I will not leave this position, when it works in my interests and abilities; on the contrary, I will stay long term. By staying in those positions, I was doing just a disservice to them as it was doing to me.

I thought not for retraining, but I thought I would entertain it.
I am still trying to figure out a way for you to obtain Counseling for your mental health. Don't worry about saying that, I am not without mental health issues. I hope there is a way, 'cause I know how it hurts deep inside when your boy within you is still screaming to help him. I still here him inside me, all the time.

I hear you say you have had management experience. That could be a way to get you in a major corporation.

A friend,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#379830 - 12/17/11 09:42 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Lo Don]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother, Undefeated.

A late welcome from Germany.
Welcome to MS. Here you will receive compassion, understanding & hope. From your brothers (fraternal) & friends (in pain.)

We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

Be prepaired for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life. You already are experiencing that.

My story has a lot in common with yours.

Again, sorry for my late welcome.

My fraternal brother, Undefeated, wishing you well in healing. You are on your way.

'I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, foreve r into eternity'. As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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