Newest Members
Stormchaser, johnnyc717, bluebook, Roscoe, SJC
12314 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
clutzygurl (22), dun (50), Gene (50), ufp1964 (50), Zoot (68)
Who's Online
3 registered (NeverGiveUp23, 2 invisible), 15 Guests and 7 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12314 Members
74 Forums
63358 Topics
443033 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#379102 - 12/12/11 02:13 AM My Introduction and Story
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
I am new to MaleSurvivor.org and this is the Reader's Digest very condensed version of the story how I ended up here.

I was an unwanted son. My father frequently told me that I was an accident and that he didn't love me. He also told me I was a loser, quitter, a failure and that I'd never amount to anything in life. He also sometimes told me he wished I would be killed in an accident and never come home. My father also cheated on my mother and my parents divorced when I was 15. My father cut off all contact with me when I was 20 and in college. Because of these "father wounds" I was a constant target for bullying at school, and this continued until I went to a different school in the 7th grade.

When I was in the 5th grade, another boy talked me into letting him perform oral sex on me in the field behind the school playground during recess. He wanted me to return the "favor," but I conveniently avoided being alone with him after that.

I was sexually molested, including sodomy when I was 12 years old. This was done by the 15 year old boy across the street, when he invited me to sleep over in his backyard tent. Because he was older, I looked up to him as a little brother would, and wanted his attention.

One time when I was alone with my father, he made me masturbate in front of him. Since he hated me and I was terrified of him, it was unusual for him to do anything with me, and I didn't want to be alone with him. Because I was only 12, I wasn't able to ejaculate or have a very large erection, so my father humiliated me and made me feel inferior. He pulled out his erect penis to demonstrate to me how I should hold mine, if it were big enough. I got a clear message from this event, that I didn't measure up as a man.

When I was about 14 or 15, my Scoutmaster started "grooming" me. He saw a wounded little boy with a huge need for a man's affection and attention. He started to build my confidence by telling me how smart and wonderful I was. He told me I could accomplish anything I wanted to. He also hugged me, which I craved. He was giving me the love, affection, attention and affirmation that I desperately needed, but never got from my father.

After some time, the Scoutmaster started taking me into another room during the meetings and he'd start by hugging me. Eventually he was undressing me, kissing me all over, hugging me naked and performing oral sex on me. This happened during Scout meetings and progressed to happening at his home each afternoon, after I got off school. This abuse went on for two years or a little more. I hated what he was doing to me, but I tolerated it because I was starved for a man's attention. Getting the love, affection, attention and affirmation from him would have all been a good thing for me, but it was undone when he sexually molested me. The message I got from the abuse, was that I could only be accepted by a man if I consented to letting him use me sexually.

I am starting to see that many things in my life were the result of my abuse. I used to believe that I was a failure, quitter, loser, etc. because that is what my father told me. Anyway, I now know that I have a very poor self image, and in fact I hate myself. My self image is so poor, that I subconsciously and consciously sabotage anything and everything good in my life. This includes jobs, relationships, college (dropped out), church memberships/positions and everything. It has also resulted in me feeling immature and unable to cope with ordinary things in life. I am a good employee, but when things get a little rough, I sabotage by quitting. I've had so many jobs in my life that it's embarrassing and shameful.

Right now, I am having a great deal of fear about my future. Unless I get some degree of normalcy and ability to hold down a job, I fear never working again and being all alone in life. I am hoping to somehow get money for a Therapist and get help here too.



_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

Top
#379110 - 12/12/11 06:38 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
Welcome, Undefeated!

You are definitely in the right place. You will find many of us who understand where you are coming from. The challenges are there, yes, but they are deafeatable!!


Top
#379126 - 12/12/11 10:02 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Undefeated,

Your intro could have been written by me except that my abuse occured when I had just turned 14 yo.

Your feelings of fear, shame, embarassment, humiliation, etc. These feelings are part of almost, if not all people who have been abused. A lot of the time, when family, or people that you look up to are involved it also makes things worse for the abused.

First, You know what your problem is and have told people about it, and that is a big first step towards healing.

It isn't an easy road and there will be many detours. Just remember that a detour will get you back to the main road, even if it's later than the direct route. Treat each detour as a learning solution; next time it will be a little easier and then a little easier the next time, etc.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

Top
#379207 - 12/13/11 12:42 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: cris40ky]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Originally Posted By: cris40ky
Welcome, Undefeated!

You are definitely in the right place. You will find many of us who understand where you are coming from. The challenges are there, yes, but they are deafeatable!!


Thank you! I appreciate your kind words of encouragement. I wish I was that optimistic, but I have some doubts. I feel a bit like I am playing a game with the clock and how much healing I can achieve in time to cope with upcoming changes in my life.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

Top
#379211 - 12/13/11 12:52 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Sailor John]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Originally Posted By: Sailor John
Hi Undefeated,

Your intro could have been written by me except that my abuse occured when I had just turned 14 yo.

Your feelings of fear, shame, embarassment, humiliation, etc. These feelings are part of almost, if not all people who have been abused. A lot of the time, when family, or people that you look up to are involved it also makes things worse for the abused.

First, You know what your problem is and have told people about it, and that is a big first step towards healing.

It isn't an easy road and there will be many detours. Just remember that a detour will get you back to the main road, even if it's later than the direct route. Treat each detour as a learning solution; next time it will be a little easier and then a little easier the next time, etc.


Thank you Sailor John!

I feel like I have never been on the main road, so it's not a matter of getting back there, but getting there for the first time ever.

Right now, the self-sabotage and self-loathing are a major obstacle in my life. I've had so many jobs and I have not had a job since this last spring, so I feel unemployable. I am a good, hard working and honest employee, but I always end up quitting, and it's a subconscious and uncontrollable thing.

I know I need a lot more therapy, but in 11 sessions, the men's counselor was unable to help me overcome my self-sabotage problem. One of his suggestions was for me to think, "I am a better man than that. I am not going to let this thing get the better of me!" It didn't work, because the little voice of my father and the CSA are still stronger. My father told me I was worthless and a quitter, then I was only wonderful to the perp until I got too old to appeal to him anymore, then I was discarded.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

Top
#379224 - 12/13/11 08:11 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Undefeated,

Your name says it all. You are strong enough to get through this detour. You HAVE BEEN on the main road. Just by starting therapy and telling somebody else like on this site, you got onto the main road at least once, if not more often. This IS ONLY a detour.

Is your therapist trained in treating Male CSA? Do you prefer a therapist, a doctor, a dentist, etc. of the same or opposite sex? Do you want somebody to push you a little, if it's needed? I only put it together why I hated male doctors and dentists after I accepted how I was abused. I now have a female doctor and dentist and don't mind going to either of them for anything. I feel they are both, if not the best, one of the best, in their chosen fields anywhere.

You ARE a survivor. Remember that you were in NO WAY, NO HOW, NO ANYTHING responsible for aquiring ths garbage but it's something we are all left with to clean up.

Your perp is still controling your thinking and you have to tell yourself that you are no longer going allow that. You have so much garbage both emotional and physical left by your perp, I think you need a therapist well trained and experienced in treating Male CSA.

Remember that none of us had anything to do with being burdened by this garbage but we have to deal with. There is nothing wrong with seeking out a therapist you get along with who is trained in treating Male CSA. Like your therapist said, You ARE stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Good Luck and keep up the good fight. Eventually you will be healed.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

Top
#379229 - 12/13/11 09:09 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Sailor John]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1305
Welcome to MS, Undefeated...

It is through shared experience here that I have discovered my secrets were not unique to me alone. We were each in our own little universe of dirt. In my case, I thought I was the only one that had to do those "secret things" - that all my other friends were "normal" (despite my perp's insistence that everyone did it). It is here at the MS forum that I truly - viscerally - realized I am not alone in the universe. As little boys we were isolated in our shame - here we are united in our strength. I have found here the brothers I wish I had when I was 12. Undefeated indeed!

What particularly resonated with me in your story was the abuse in the tent by an older boy you looked up to as a "brother". Most of my CSA occurred starting at age 12 by a next door neighborhood boy who was 15-16 in either the tent pitched in my own back yard or in one of the basements of our homes.

I never experienced the extent of the abuse that you did - and my heart goes out to you. It takes remarkable strength to address the past as you are. Congratulations on taking the step to come here.

_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#379251 - 12/13/11 11:03 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Sailor John]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Sailor John,

Thanks again for your suggestions. I don't have a therapist or counselor right now, because I have no way to pay one. I have something in the works that may help me to get some money for counseling/therapy sometime in the future.

I have found a therapist on MS that sounds good to me, and he is experienced with male CSA. I wouldn't be comfortable with a female counselor. There's too much sexual stuff to discuss and I feel a man is much more comfortable for me.

I appreciate your advice and encouragement.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

Top
#379260 - 12/13/11 11:27 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Chase Eric]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Chase Eric,

Thanks for the kind welcome and words of encouragement.

I am sorry for the severity of your abuse as well. It sounds like your situation was similar to mine, there is a lifetime of baggage left behind.

I have read a few of your posts here on MS, and I am impressed how far you have come just since you joined. You have a gift of encouragement.

Thanks again!

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

Top
#379392 - 12/14/11 03:14 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
derrick Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/10
Posts: 93
Loc: North Carolina
Dear Undefeated

Welcome to the board Glad you found us - sorry you qualify

_________________________
My Story http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...5766#Post335766

Alumnai of May 2011 DAHLONEGA (a life changeing event)
Alumnai of October 2010 WOR Hope Springs
Dahlonega

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, Publius, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.