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#37909 - 11/23/03 12:24 AM Weekend sadness
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Always the f*****g weekends with me. I must be manic-depressive. No offense to anyone who who has been actually diagnosed with this.

I've got an allnighter paper thing tonight, and I can't sleep. First dream I can remember in a long time and it's painful. More painful than the memories of the abuse.

My mother died almost 5 years ago, and it's close to my birthday (11/30). For the first time in a long time, I let myself remember her dying. It was from cancer. It was painful for her and the rest of us in her family. I told my oldest sister about my abuse last night and the discussion went toward Mom dying, which is the most painful thing that I ever endured. Yeah, selfish, since it was her who went through the illness and dying part.

I was trying to get a few hours of sleep before going off to the papers, and I had a dream that I was back in the house I grew up in. My Mom was alive again and we hugged. I felt her. I felt so happy. She told me she was proud of me and that she was sorry she didn't protect me, the whole bit. I told her that it was all right, that nothing could stop me from loving her, that I was glad to just have this time with her again. And then, when I let go of her, she collapsed and died in front of me. Again. I cried like a baby when I woke up.

God, I miss her. There's a little bit of anger now that I remember the abuse. Why didn't she notice? Why didn't she protect me? Then, to have her "die" again when I told her it didn't matter....God, it hurts.

I feel so guilty now. Why did I have to remember this dream? It hurts. And the anger with the "MJ Media Circus." Why?

Maybe I am bipolar. I don't know.

Scot \:\(

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#37910 - 11/23/03 12:55 AM Re: Weekend sadness
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Scot
Think I understand a little bit of what you are saying... except I never got to have the conversation with my mom before it was too late.

I do know it hurts and if it is like what I struggle with, there are no answers, just more questions that run through my mind.

And I don't have any answers right now either, but wanted to let you know that you weren't alone. This upcoming thanksgiving has already hit me hard and I miss my mom a lot as well.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#37911 - 11/23/03 02:25 AM Re: Weekend sadness
blueelectron9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/07/02
Posts: 387
Loc: Victoria, BC Canada
I go through many transformations around my birthday and always come out ahead in the end.

I'm hoping you are able to find some peace.

Best,
Scotty

_________________________
An odd duck who likes even numbers.

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#37912 - 11/23/03 10:51 AM Re: Weekend sadness
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
I tend to come out on the other end as well, but sometimes it feels like I am getting dragged along steel spiked speed bumps at top speed.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#37913 - 11/23/03 02:26 PM Re: Weekend sadness
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Hey guys - My dad died the day after Thanksgiving about 7 years ago. He denied I was abused up to the end. So there was no resolution for me. He wasn't the perp but knew all about it.

I sometimes find if I am discussing a very traumatic subject before bedtime (even a couple hours before), it creeps into my dreams in some fashion. Just thought I'd add my experience.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#37914 - 11/29/03 01:12 AM Re: Weekend sadness
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Scot,

I think that 'anniversaries', they can be very difficult to us, because it is like the emotions we have always, they are magnified greatly of it. I wish I knew how to make that better. I have heard suggestions to do better things for yourself during those times, to be good to yourself, and such things. But I do not know how possible or how much that will work. That is only advice I can think of to pass on to you though. I wish you well, and good luck.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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