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#37901 - 10/29/06 08:46 AM trigger, panic
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I am visit near where I use to be, will leave here later today, to travel for work. I was to spend tonight with some friends here, we gone and seen an event together tonight. It was nice enough. But something happen, it make panic to me, I can not deal right of it. They have two children, one, the oldest of the daughters, she is this weekend with friends. Younger their daughter, she is near to 3 years age. We at this event, and she is getting tired, and my friend's wife want to take her home, but he wish to remain a little longer. So I say, is ok, I am tired some, I will drive them home now. We have to get out from the seats we are in, in a row, and I lift their daughter up over the seats to get to the stairs, and then we walk up the stairs together, she holding my hand while her mother is behind us with the baby bag. And then I pick her up to carry her out to parking, and it is, I am carry this little child, this little girl, listen to her talking of what we been doing tonight, her small voice, and it just hit at me. And I help to get her into the child seat, and just turn and become sick beside the car, just shaking and vomiting and can not move. I tell to my friend that just I not been feeling good, and perhaps should not stay with them and the baby, to not get them sick, I can just go to other friend instead. I know she think something much is wrong, she look at me like she know I am lying to her, I do not know what to say. Never before this happen, that it is just something to happen with flashback of abuse things, not as this. still, I just want everything inside my brain, I want it is quiet, just to make it to be quiet, drink, anything to make it be quiet and to forget, to not think. How ever I am going to get over of this? it is worse at me ususal than the abuses, I can not think it, how to get over of this to lose my child. it is been is not so very difficult recent some days or week, and now is all so much bad again, it is as I feel is to much weight ever it to go away.

VN


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#37902 - 10/29/06 09:04 AM Re: trigger, panic
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Visha,

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. These things come back to us at the most inconvienent times. Try to take care of yourself and don't forget to breathe. You will get past this. We are all here for you.

Recovery is Possible!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#37903 - 10/29/06 10:39 AM Re: trigger, panic
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
I am so sorry Visha - this is truly beyond words.
There may be a web site for parents who loose their children to support each other as well.
You are not alone - and are not alone in this for sure.

What a lucky girl she was to have a father as good as you. Peace to you, in some way.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#37904 - 10/30/06 02:42 AM Re: trigger, panic
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Visha,

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. All I can say is hang on to the good memories you have of your daughter and try to focus on the good things in your life. Surely this is what she herself would want you to do.

And when you feel bad don't sit with it in silence. Talk about it. You are not alone and there are so very many who will understand and support you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#37905 - 11/01/06 02:09 AM Re: trigger, panic
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
it continues, panic. Not sure of it, how to make it go now. Just feel very much lost.


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#37906 - 11/01/06 05:56 AM Re: trigger, panic
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Visha,

I've been through the hurt, anguish and incredible sadness and helplessness of losing a child. It was a pain like I have never felt before. My thoughts and prayers are with you, my friend. It's okay to cry; I still cry sometimes - 26 years later.

God Bless,

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#37907 - 11/02/06 04:16 AM Re: trigger, panic
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Visha,

I have not suffered the incredibly painful things you have suffered with the loss of your daughter, but I want to tell you that I care deeply about about you and the things you're feeling, just as all of us do.

You have family here with us. We care. We're here to support you when you need it.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#37908 - 11/02/06 04:34 AM Re: trigger, panic
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
visha nothing i can say will make it go away ,but one thing i know ,for the time your daughter was with you she had the perfect life ,knowing every minute of every day that she was loved , some people live a whole lifetime and never find what she had ,what you gave her .in a way i can say i know how it feels cause my brother was my world too and i still have a hole inside ,i miss him ,but what would they want for us ? peace visha ,the peace that comes from knowing we loved them ,and we loved them with all we had .i think there is a little girl who wants only one thing, for her daddy to smile again. i will continue to cry for my brother from time to time probably for the rest of my life ,but i will smile too when i think of him cause thats what he wants. i think when we stop feeling bad and see things like a sunset or a blue sky ,or a kid playing we can see that they are still with us we just have to be able to stop hating it long enough to be able to see them . be proud of what you gave her visha ,be proud of who you are .if we look at ourselves through their eyes we could see that they would want us to be ok . adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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