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#376496 - 11/22/11 04:06 PM Re: SSA revisiting one of the scenes of my crimes agai [Re: Dexter]
VirtualBman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/20/11
Posts: 21
Loc: Dayton, OH
Originally Posted By: Dexter
I feel like I got what I wanted. Until I get off. Then it's like what the f did I just do??? Anyway, I went hoping to not meet someone all the while NEEDING to meet someone.


Dex,

I am this way. I do not want to be this way, but what you describe is me. I have not acted on this for more than 17 years now. I almost never do. Almost. I wish I could just get rid of the nagging memories that bring this up from time to time.

Thanks for your honesty, I don't feel quite so alone.


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#378982 - 12/11/11 03:00 AM Re: SSA revisiting one of the scenes of my crimes agai [Re: 1lifenow]
eltoro65 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 10
Loc: chicago
My experiences with looking for anonymous sex in parks seem to be more an issue about shame. Shameful about my confused sexuality. Feeling shameful that whatever life I chose (sex with men in parks or at home with my fiance) still made me feel ashamed of myself. Being able to have a sexual encounter that made me feel as shameful as the abuse I had experienced when I was young was what I was looking for (although I didn't know it at the time). Having a normal relationship with a man was shame inducing in itself (ashamed of being gay or bi or whatever), so I couldn't stay in a relationship too long because those feelings felt so awful and overwhelming.

The abuse made me feel shame that my perpetrator *wanted* me to feel so they did not have to carry the guilt for their wrongful and destructive behavior.

But yeah, I would go home to my fiance at the time and living a secret life of lies about cruising parks and adult bookstores. But I noticed when I left the relationship I also noticed I stopped looking for sex in parks and bookstores. I didn't stop having anonymous sex, but I continue to have in a way that wouldn't get me in too much trouble or no trouble if I "got caught". Slowly the acting out stopped all together.

Looking back, yeah, it was about shame and about being able to live a double life in which I thought keeping each side of my life secret from the other could make me happy. The ironic thing when I left both lives I found that neither really made me happy to begin with, however at the time I did think or feel that.


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#379000 - 12/11/11 10:23 AM Re: SSA revisiting one of the scenes of my crimes agai [Re: eltoro65]
Dexter Offline


Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 43
Loc: NJ, USA
I once met a young man at the park, and we were attracted and did what we did, and after, he asked if i was married. I said i am, you? He was engaged and said that he loved her and didn't know how he was going to handle " this" after he was married. He said that he felt that he was gay. I told him to really think about if he was or wasn't gay, and if he thought that he was, to break it off. Even though it would hurt for a while, it is nothing like the hell i have lived with, Happily married but NEEDING this other part of me to be HERE. I met him again about 2 years later, same place, and he said he had broken it off, and though she was upset, naturally, she eventually saw it was better off knowing. He also said that he was happier because he figured out that he was gay and was just trying to be hetero because he couldn't face being gay. He thanked me, and yes we did it again. He walked away happy, I walked away guilty and more confused than ever. ME GIVING ADVICE? I can't figure out me but I helped him figure out him. I am so fucked up.


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