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#378951 - 12/10/11 08:54 PM I've really screwed up..
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
To make this as short as I possibly can I'll cut to the chase.. I've just recently come to accept the fact that I was abused by a cousin from the age of about 6 to 13. Due to all the emotions and stress its brought up I have been hyper emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat. I haven't told my partner about this due to his own heath reasons and stress in his life. we are both 26 and he has found out that he has a tumor on his heart. He has been trying to deal with my emotional roller coaster.. tonight as I was falling apart yet again I told him that if he wasn't sure of our future I'd give him a "free out" that was about the time my phone lost service and I haven't heard from him since. I want to explain my behavior but I don't want to add more burden to his life... any suggestions?? I really need help!

_________________________
Sail

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#378964 - 12/10/11 11:29 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: AdamJae]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
(((((AdamJae)))))

If you love your partner, and he loves you, then no one needs to give the other an out. People who love each other stick together and support each other. Three years ago my wife found out that I had met another guy for sex, and she's stuck with me as I've started to address my abuse, SSA, sex addiction and PTSD. She didn't have to; she chose to. I'm very fortunate to have someone who loves me in spite of my faults. So are you. Don't push him away - pull him close, accept his love and support, and give him the love and support he needs as he faces his health crisis. Best of luck to you both.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I値l never see

It may sound absurd...but don稚 be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won稚 you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It痴 not easy to be me

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#378965 - 12/10/11 11:36 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
Thanks John.. I do love him. Very much. I've never pictured myself with anyone but him since the day I met him. And I know I have been pushing him away for the last few weeks. I'm not even sure why I told him he had a free out. And right now I have to deal with the fact I really might lose him because of my actions. And I don't know what to do..

_________________________
Sail

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#378966 - 12/10/11 11:46 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: AdamJae]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
AJ: don't dive into booze-it will make things worse for you tonight in this state: connect with others in recovery, ok?

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

的t doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#378967 - 12/10/11 11:57 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: Mountainous Buck]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
I'm not sure how to connect to others in recovery.. I'll do my best not to drink tonight. its just being alone right now in a friends house while she works, thinking about the abuse and the damage I'm doing to my relationships is really taking its toll. I've never been really good with being alone anyway. let alone while dealing with intense emotions.. its rough.

_________________________
Sail

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#378968 - 12/11/11 12:10 AM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: AdamJae]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
I hear you:

It does get better: you CAN get through this

there are a lot of ways to comfort yourself and be safe and build a life that works.

now that you are facing the abuse stuff, it may seem overwhelming-it isn't-but it feels like it sometimes.

the overwhelming is what I felt at the time of the abuse years ago

I forget today that I have a lot more tools, skills, and allies that I did way back then.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

的t doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#378972 - 12/11/11 12:22 AM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: Mountainous Buck]
RollerCoaster Offline


Registered: 10/23/11
Posts: 47
Loc: PA, USA
If its possible watch some movie that is inspiring. It will lift your mood and get you through the night.


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#378974 - 12/11/11 12:36 AM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: RollerCoaster]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
Thanks to you both for your encouraging words. and please forgive me if I seem a little bit of a frazzled mess. I guess I didn't expect such a flood of so many emotions to just rush out like that and I got overwhelmed for a bit. I think I'm ok now as far as the fact I have exposed a part of my life I always thought I would keep a secret. The hard part will be making myself face it and get back on tomorrow to try to continue on this road to recovery and peace..

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Sail

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#378975 - 12/11/11 12:42 AM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: AdamJae]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
the truth will set you free:

just be careful how and where you share it: MS is a safe understanding place to share.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

的t doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#378978 - 12/11/11 01:17 AM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: Mountainous Buck]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
What do you mean be careful how and where I share it?

_________________________
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#378987 - 12/11/11 08:24 AM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: AdamJae]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Have you read the resources here about disclosing our stories to others?

There are supportive people who understand and want to help-especially other survivors and safe friends.

There are also people who we need guidance and direction if we are going to share our stories. We need to check out motives about sharing so we don't get hurt or have unreasonable expectations of how others will respond to our stories.

Having a good T is The first step in learning to process and talk about the abuse.
There are good books and articles listed here at MS to inform us about sharing our stories in healthy and productive ways.

Take a look at the resources page on this website and let me know what you have found.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

的t doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#378992 - 12/11/11 09:33 AM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: Mountainous Buck]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
Unfortunately I can't afford a T and I live in a very small rural community so the idea of finding a T or even support group around here is almost laughable. this is why I came to the site looking for an alternate outlet to get some of my emotions out.

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Sail

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#378999 - 12/11/11 10:16 AM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Here is one article on MS about sharing our stories:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

的t doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#379002 - 12/11/11 10:37 AM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: Mountainous Buck]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
I see... well after reading that I'm not sure what to do. I needed to get it out but I'm just not ready to talk about it with my partner, family, or close friends. I'm worried that because of my bad behavior in recent years that they will see it as me trying to get attention or sympathy to lessen the seriousness of my poor choices and bad behavior. I'm just so very confused.. what if I'm going about this the wrong way? Maybe for me its just best to know that I finally told someone and I'm validated... or maybe this is just a crossroads and I need to make some serious life changing moves.. I knew it would be hard if I ever told, but I didn't know it would stir up a plethora of other emotions. I feel broken, exposed,used, dirty, and even a little desperate.

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Sail

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#379012 - 12/11/11 02:31 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: AdamJae]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
This is a safe place to let all that stuff out.

That is the first major step towards dealing with it and building a good life.

For me, the Csa explained some of origins and energy behind a lot of my previous behaviors- and I also had been getting help for some of those specific things-depression, binge drinking, acting out sexually, fear of bosses, etc.

You are learning to see yourself and your past more clearly and hopefully more compassionately - I hope u can develop a network of supportive, nonjudgemental and also safe men, like those here online, to help u navigate your recovery in the weeks and months ahead.

I think u are already digesting some of the feelings and your past-AND understanding that those dont lock you into a future tied to those things-we CAN walk thru this day by day and, as u say "get a little bit stronger."

Take a huge nap today!!! B good to yourself!

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

的t doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#379042 - 12/11/11 08:21 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: Mountainous Buck]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
See that's problematic because I love being around men.. all types.. and no I'm not always sexually attracted to them. but the deal is I fall for whatever any of them say. I trust them too much and always end up getting my feelings hurt and then acting out on my pain.. I guess I need to work on being a better judge of character.

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#379048 - 12/11/11 08:41 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: Mountainous Buck]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
AdamJae,

Yes, get it OUT! Consider the Healing Groups here in MaleSurvivor, the Healing Circles and the Round Table Mondays, Wednesdays and Sundays.
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post375754 This is a private, male survivors only group that is facilitated in a private area of the chat.

You can click on my The Round Table link under my post to get more information about how the meeting is conducted. This has been a source of much healing and comfort to me.

Heal well,
Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#379050 - 12/11/11 08:59 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: SamV]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
I think you are discovering you have a better judge, a better advocate, a stronger man inside waking up to what is possible for you. Trust that gut instinct to guide and nurture you moving forward, ok?

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

的t doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#379054 - 12/11/11 09:16 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hi, AdamJae.

Regarding how to "fix" your situation with your partner, if it were me (and it's not, so if you don't think it would work in your situation, just disregard), I would go to him and apologize for how I'd been acting, explain that your dealing with some difficult issues, but you want to be there for him as he faces this health crisis. Tell him you love him and want to support him in any way he needs you to. Then I'd give him a hug and a little time to think about it, and see how he responds so you have some idea of how to procede.

Hang in there, buddy.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I値l never see

It may sound absurd...but don稚 be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won稚 you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It痴 not easy to be me

Top
#379058 - 12/11/11 09:33 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
I've considered the group chats but unfortunately I get on MS on mobile for discretionary purposes so I can't participate. I looked into a support group here but the closest one is over 4 hours from here so that's not an option right now either. So for now I will just have to find what support I can here and do my best to keep pushing forward. I've opened these wounds and now I will see to it they heal properly. I've never been quitter or have ever backed down from a challenge. And this, dear gentlemen, is the challenge of my lifetime. And I'm going to hit it head on with all the steam I can possibly muster.. I'm broken and beaten but not yet defeated!

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Sail

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#379059 - 12/11/11 09:39 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: AdamJae]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: AdamJae
....not yet defeated!


I am so glad to hear you say the above. As hard as it might me - "embrace" yourself and your partner. Let him know where you are coming from including that he means the world to you.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#379064 - 12/11/11 09:54 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: Avery46]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
As far as my relationship I'm afraid that might have been damaged beyond repair. He's not even accepting my calls right now. I'm going to give him some space and hope he gives me the opportunity to try to fix the problems I've made in our relationship.. right now I'm running on faith and determination.. that's all I have.

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#379071 - 12/11/11 10:17 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: AdamJae]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
The nearest support is closer than you think if you're anywhere near Tulsa or OKC.


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#379075 - 12/11/11 10:32 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: InsideTheWall]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
I'm about 3 hours from Tulsa and over 4 from okc . either way its impossible for me to drive that far right now.

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#379078 - 12/11/11 10:39 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: AdamJae]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
Originally Posted By: AdamJae
I'm about 3 hours from Tulsa and over 4 from okc . either way its impossible for me to drive that far right now.
If at all possible, you might want to move. PM me if you ever do and I'll give you the relevant info.



Edited by InsideTheWall (12/11/11 10:43 PM)

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#379082 - 12/11/11 10:50 PM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: InsideTheWall]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
Also not possible right now. I'm couch surfing between friends houses because my family kicked me out.. things are kinda tough right now but I'm trying to do the best with what I have been delt. I'm gonna have to climb my way out of this hole by myself.. and its still a long way to the top. hopefully the end result will be a stable, safe, secure home.. even if I do end up living alone.

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#379113 - 12/12/11 08:09 AM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: AdamJae]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
I hope u feel the love and support the guys here feel for you.

And the guys here know some of the worst parts of you that you have shared- many of us have been there and done those things and felt that disparate.

Regardless of friends, famIly. Money home-we can find our true selves and hope and strength when we walk thru this. It is running away that erodes and destroys the things in our life and eventually ourselves.

I hear strength, some fear, and a desire to move forward thru all this. And a strong dose of honesty about where u r now today. Happy Monday- the first day of the rest of your life. We r here for u.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

的t doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#379127 - 12/12/11 10:06 AM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: Mountainous Buck]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
This is definitely the most challenging situation I have been in. But I feel that for whatever reason there is purpose behind what I'm doing and why I've chose to do it now. Maybe its because when I imagine my life another 5 or 10 years down the road right now I don't like what I see. I feel like I've wasted a lot of time when I could have been a stronger, upstanding citizen... a better brother, son, friend, lover, and man. I know I'm not where I want to be in life. And obviously after 13 years this problem isn't going to fix itself. I stand firm when I've said I might be broken and beaten but I'm sure as hell not defeated! That you for all the support and encouraging words. you have no idea how helpful you have been!

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#379210 - 12/13/11 12:48 AM Re: I've really screwed up.. [Re: AdamJae]
AdamJae Offline


Registered: 12/07/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Oklahoma
Just an update... my partner finally called me. I haven't yet told him about the abuse but I plan on it when I see him next.

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