i would really like to hear other's feedback and how they handled their assaults too. peace
First, let me just say that I'm sorry you had to go through this. It's a nightmare, plain and simple, no matter how it goes down or what's involved. But it's a nightmare I think we can eventually wake up from and relegate to nothing more than a sore memory. Eventually.
The "inner child" thing wouldn't be a lot of help for me either. I'm ASA with absolutely no history of CSA, so my "child" is perfectly fine and grew into a well adjusted adult male. It's the *adult* that's messed up now. The assault for me was a little over two years ago - and it's STILL on my mind CONSTANTLY. I can squelch it enough to make the volume no longer drowning the rest of my thoughts out - but some of the other effects I can't do that with yet.
How I handled mine? Short question, with a very long answer.
I fought like a demon the entire time, physically. When my legs broke I just started biting, when they cut off my air supply I would head-butt into the direction of the belt, things like that. I didn't stop physically fighting except for two points where I actually froze, and when I unfroze, I was back to fighting.
But that's also in my nature - I've been a fighter since I was a little kid. I never had the run-away response to things, it was always the fight response. My baby sis (who was involved in the same incident), has in her own way done the same thing, been a fighter. Not always physically, but she's been a fighter.
Immediately post, I handled it by trying to cooperate with the medics and such in the hospital. I didn't handle the kit very well, I wanted it done, it needed to be done, but I still freaked out completely on them; couldn't handle the reality of having it done but knew it needed to BE done - they had to sedate me in order to do it.
Pending that, the rest of the next year or so was concentrated on physical healing - I pretty much buried the other aspects of the assault where I was concerned with myself and treated it like a straight up physical assault. It's taken me two years to even really be willing to look at truthfully, and then only because of a certain little bulldog in steel toed boots with a penchant for kicking her big brother in the ass when he's being a blockhead.
Sis actually started the process; when I couldn't just ignore it anymore or convince myself it was 'dealt with' and 'in the past', and started showing obvious issues, sis started doing the legwork, looking for reading material, written material, documentation , etc, whatever she could find. And would stuff it in my toolbox I take to work, or tape it up onto my computer monitor with the areas she wanted me to really pay attention to highlighted. She'd stick it in my truck with a bookmark on the page, or print out pages from online and jam them into my hobby box... all sorts of stuff. At one point she taped a list of T's in our area to the outside of my coffee can just to make sure I "saw" it, and wrote a one sentance note on the top of the paper.
All it said was "Pick one, set up an appointment within a week or I'll do it for you and drag YOU around for a change."
She would have, too.
Anyway. This is all part of how I dealt with my own. Physical fighting, dissociation to some degree (there are periods of time during said assault that are just blank in my head, I can't remember, and the chronological order is all screwed up). Avoidance, refusal to think about it, putting the mask on and pretending everything was fine, etc. A few months post and I just turned back to the faith system I grew up with, and the one that got me through twenty years of service. It helped, but it wasn't a complete solution - it just helped me ground my feet and keep moving forward. It helped me avoid the usual pitfall traps of drinking and drugging my way into numbness. I didn't use chemicals for that, I used my fists - I would spend hours in the gym training or just beating on a punching bag until my hands and arms went numb.
I still do. I have a TON of anger, and a HUGE amount of rage.
I have almost no appetite anymore, I don't sleep much ,and I'm prone to going days on end literally, without sleep if it gets particularly bad. I have anxiety, ptsd, a lot of rage, phobias, night terrors, body memories, flashbacks, etc. It's ugly, but the folks I work with don't have any clue, other than Matt's a little weird from time to time and don't stand too close to him or you're liable to get a ham-sized fist slammed into your head out of the blue. (The body mems can really make me reel around like I just got hit 'here and now' and respond that way... makes me look like a complete psycho, I'm sure, from other people's vantage points.)
So anyway. That's more or less how I "dealt" with it, and how I'm "still dealing" with it - it's obviously not dealt with as some of this stuff is really destructive. But I'm just now starting to try and actively address the issues.------- P.S. -------I'm sure I could put together a list of the resources/etc that sis and I have gone through. There's not a lot out there about male ASA that doesn't automatically assume a history of male CSA... but I've learned to somewhat pick and pluck at the stuff, try to disregard some of the strictly-CSA related stuff.
If you need any resources, or reading material, let me know, and I'll pull together the list of stuff I've gone through... by no means do I claim to have an exhaustive list, but sis did a lot of legwork, so maybe there might be *something* in there that could help..