786 - Just because it's below the belt and enlarged doesn't mean an enlarged prostate is a good thing.

787 - It doesn't matter how deep you bury it, when you poop in the laundry, mom will find out very quickly.
788 - If you are the only boy in the house, mom knows who pooped in the laundry.
789 - When in the shallow water at the beach, it's really cool to rock back and forth til you are knee deep in the sand until you try to get out.
790 - Throwing bricks straight up in the air is not a fun game.
791 - If you lean way out of the back of the truck when it is parked in the driveway, find something to hold onto FIRST!

792. If you're small and skinny and have a smart mouth, learn to be the fastest runner in school.

793. Snails on a dirty driveway after a cool rain do not need a warm bath.
794. If you fill the powder room sink with warm water and about a hundred snails, they will not luxuriate and soak.
795. If you walk away to play, your parents will find them crawling all over the walls and ceiling.
796. If you are down the block and hear your mother scream your name, it's probably not going to end well.
797. It didn't.

When your best friend's little brother asks what happened to his dog-doo collection, don't help him look for it.

798. Parents who were teenagers in the 60s, especially moms who liked Paul McCartney, will be thrilled to hear how much you enjoy the Beatle records they gave you that they have had since they were new.

799-a. Moms who liked Paul McCartney in the 60s don't like it when you start asking questions about the McCartney death rumor.

799-b. They like it even less when you start collecting Paul Is Dead memorobelia.

800. Moms who loved Paul McCartney but hated Linda will argue with you for over an hour when you say that Wings is better than the Beatles.

801. Playing Jimi Hendrix records even louder than you usually do just to piss off your racist granddad gets really entertaining really fast.

802. When your grandmother won't let you play a video game because it includes 2 fights with Catwoman don't tell her that her attitude is sexist and outdated.

803. Even if a sexist statement is true, don't say it around your sister.

804. By the time your bike starts shaking it's too late to stop before reaching the bottom of the hill.

805-a. Listening to your grandmother tease you about going to a friends house to watch 101 Dalmations when you're 13 can be mildly amusing.

805-b. There is nothing amusing about it when you come back and she knows you were watching Terminator.

806. Better hardware in a game system is a hell of a long way from better software.

807-a. No mattet what your favorite music is it will always sound best on vinyl if available.

807-b. Even if the music on it is brand new virgin vinyl still sounds the best.

808. Don't let your brother outrun you when he's the one who disturbed the hornets nest.

I would offer something, but I can't remember much right now.

809. No matter how much you enjoy vintage games don't ever let your mom hear you refer to Pong or Atari as antiques. I got a lecture about how they were technological marvels when she was in her 20s.

810. Don't ever tell your mom that a lecture she just gave you had absolutely no information in it that you don't already know.

811. Don't ever correct your mom if part of the lecture she just gave you was inaccurate, even if it's just names and dates.

812. Opening a toy in Walmart when Mom said to put it back isn't good.

813. Neither is running away and hiding in said Walmart, the store employees will find you.

814. Small town police have no problem seeing a boy getting spanked outside said Walmart.

815. Climbing on top of the family car in the church parking lot can give you a good view of your surroundings.

816. Whipping 'it' out and peeing from top of said car is not a good idea, especially when everyone is coming out of the church.