This is a reply to a private message I sent to another member here on MS. I have omitted a few things just so it would make sense since I was actually replying to something he said. After writing this I thought I would like to hear others on what I had to say. I have not posted here in several months or maybe a close to a year. I have fell back in my work at trying to get to a better place in my life. Don't know if I will ever be anywhere that I consider a better place............anyway here is what I said and would like to hear your thoughts......





My name is Tim. I am 50 years old and have hidden all my life what sexual abuse has done to me. I need so bad to have a friend close by that understands what this has done. But there is no one to talk to. I told the first person about the abuse 2 years ago. Since then I have told a few close friends but they don't understand. I have sit there trying to make them understand the effect its had on my life. But until the day I can simple tell them that I have never felt an attraction to any female in my life. But I am attracted to certain types of men. And those men really attract me. I try so hard to ignore it but temptation always whens out rather its actually seeking out men to have sex with or viewing gay porn while masturbating. Either way I end up feeling so much guilt from this. I am a Christian but feel so far from God because of this. Its been this way all my life. I sometimes sit in Church feeling so guilty that I think of not coming back. How do I tell the ones close to me who don't approve of this that its this way, right or wrong. I don't know were to turn. It seems to go in cycles. I can be strong for a few days sometimes weeks. But always lose out in the end. Hope nothing I said bothered you I just need to say that to someone I felt might understand.

Tim

Hi Tim,

This is quite a common "issue" among us survivors. And a difficult one to figure out, too, because of all the conflicting beliefs in society about the nature of homosexuality - where does it come from?

Everyone is uniquely different, and only you can determine for yourself what the truth is.

The best advice that I've been given about this is to not judge myself over it. Me, personally, the path I took was to choose to accept my sexual attractions, and to accept myself regardless. Because when I'm tidally locked between judgment and guilt, there is no room for me to grow and learn.

Here I am 20 years after accepting my sexuality and attractions, and dealing with my CSA, and now I'm wondering what my native sexuality is. I do so without judgment. I don't know if I'm gay or bi (could I be straight?). I just don't know. But I believe that with patience and kindness and non judgment, my true native sexuality will emerge all on its own.

But I have to accept the feelings and attractions and thoughts without judgment. That's part of the healing process.

I realize this can be very very difficult for someone who is Christian, and many Christians believe homosexuality is morally wrong. I won't debate religious beliefs. I will say, however, that I grew up a fundamentalist christian (southern baptist) and fought judgment and guilt. What a miserable way to live.

I decided that homosexuality was natural (it occurs in most mammalian species), and I accepted the expression of homosexuality in me as well. Made for a better daily experience in my life.

I hope you find peace of mind.

D