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#376892 - 11/26/11 05:01 PM I don't know what I am dealing with...
Chgocub83 Offline


Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 2
Loc: Chicago, IL
Hello all.

I just joined the Fourm - it was refreshing to read other peoples posts about what they have been through or what they are dealing with.

Currently, I don't know what exactly my feelings are. Let me go back some years. When I was around 4 or 5 I believe, I was molested by my father. I didn't say anything until my freshman year in college, to my fraternity brother. Who then, told his mother, who in turn told my mother since they were friends.

I confronted my father about it, and he skirted the issue. Said, it probably wasn't him, but a male figure in my life, since I couldn't remember specifics. I have blocked out huge HUGE chucks of my childhood, birthdays, christmases, etc. Things I should be able to recount. So I went to therapy, and tried to be the "strong" guy that I was.

I then found myself drowning all my issues with alcohol, to the point that my fraternity brothers had to interveine. So I left school (well kicked out) and moved back home, and fell into the typical southern baptist way. Went on to becoming a youth minister and tried to use religion as a well to hide from the situation at hand. That grew old.

Finally, out of the no where. I decided to move to Chicago. I needed to get away, to leave my friends, who knew about what happend. My dad, who continued to swear it was another adult male figure in my life. Everything.

Now, in Chicago, I was able to really start working on becoming who I am as a adult and a man. After dating several girls and trying to (really hard) to be "straight" I finally came to the realization that I am fucking gay, and I just have to accept that. I did, I did it with grace and as much effort as possible. I felt free. I didn't have to hide and feel guilty of playing with guys.

Fast forward 4 years, 2 ex-boyfriends, several jobs, school and onto being engaged and with 2 dogs. I find my self in the perfect world. Great Job. Great Fiance, awesome pups. Cute apartment. Then depression, anxiety, & OCD starts attacking. I have no clue where it is coming from. So I go find a therapist, with the assumption is I am just overwhelmed with my freelance work and planning a wedding and having a life. I even started off by mentioning that my family isn't my main focus at the current moment.

Several weeks into therapy, she wants me to create a genogram of my family tree, since I have been fallen back into drinking (binge) on the weekends.

So, being OCD and a perfectionist, I scribble down my family tree both sides all the way to my great great grand parents and then get on the phone with my mom to find out if anyone in my family line has or has have had (Sexual Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Drug Abuse, Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse).

When we got to my sister, she with out a passing care in her tone said that she was molested by my father. I was shocked. My mouth dropped and I backed her up and asked again. Then she went on apologizing that she never told me and that she stayed with our father for so long because she didn't want us to not have a dad, etc.

So I called my sister and immediately asked her about it, and she said yes it did happen, and she told mom when it did and that he was arrested and then was released pursuant to family counseling. (I did not re-call any of this as a kid)

I told my sister that it happened to me and I only have 2 memories, (1 of him actually trying to penetrate me and the other wake up next to him completely naked (him and me) and laying on his lap), so I am 100% sure it was him and we talked and cried and comforted each other.

That is when the shit hit the fan. Two days later I get a call from my father, I didn't answer because I haven't spoken to him in months, and after finding out that he also hurt my older sister sexually I didn't and couldn't even put words in my mouth. Then about an hour later I get a message from my step mother, who asked me if what she heard was true. I didn't respond. I began to have anxiety because so much was going on. Then I get an e-mail from my father about 20 minutes after the message from my step mother, and he was as if nothing was happened and wanted to talk to me since he hasn't heard from me in months.

At this point, I broke down completely. I told my partner that I was molested from the get go. Since I was apprehensive sexually with him. But I never went into detail. That night I let the cat out of the bag, so to speak.

The next morning I get another e-mail from my father, asking me to call him and to talk about what all is going on and to answer some questions. I really shyed from calling because not only was my father sexually abusive to me as a child, but he also has been emotionally and physically abusive to me in my later years in my life.

After that e-mail, I just went into hermit stage. For nearly 2 solid weeks, I didn't get out of bed. I couldn't sleep. Sex... NO FUCKING WAY. Masturbation... NO FUCKING WAY. I was a walking zombie. I went from my bed to the couch. Finally, my fiance was at his breaking point. He knew something had to be done. So he went with me to my therapist and we talked about everything and put me on several meds and now I'm just coping.

I thought that I dealt with all of it when I was in college, but I realize I didn't I just pushed the monster back under the rug.

Now, it's here, it's fucking huge and it's tearing me apart mentally and emotionally.

Fast forward another month, Mom visits for turkey day. Brings photos as me as a kid. I notice through probably 200+ photos that only one picture was with me and my father. I was 6ish and I was in the picture, but I was leaning away from him and I had a fake smile on my face.

Then we decided to try and figure out what age it all happend by time of my memory de>

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#376898 - 11/26/11 06:12 PM Re: I don't know what I am dealing with... [Re: Chgocub83]
ksequoia Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 92
Loc: NYC
Dear Michael.

You told my story almost verbatim. It was my dad, I was a youngster (5 and/or under). He did it to my sister (not his biological daughter). I dated girls before I came out as gay. I have a partner of 17 years, but I am sooooo stuck because what happened to me as a child is so fresh and I never dealt with it.
I drank excessively (got help for that).

You are so not alone here. This is a great place for us. Lots of support. I see a new therapist on Monday to really get to the bottom of my issues, so that I can be creative again (like you), have healthy wonderful sex again (like you). I took all sorts of anti-depressants since Prozac was invented.
Nothing really worked. Some made matters worse.

Just some advice - as a friend. Don't let your dad try to control you or the conversation. Molesters are controllers. Take your power back. Don't answer him. Let him stew in the mess he made.

Stay with us here and we'll heal together.

Yours,

Ksequoia


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#377980 - 12/03/11 04:56 PM Re: I don't know what I am dealing with... [Re: Chgocub83]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 412
Loc: west coast
Wow , michael, what a mountain of shit. Having said that, its great that you came here and were able to share.

One thing jumps out at me is that "you were never safe". A kid's body language cannot lie. You were so brave to keep going as you did, for you to meet such a nice guy, says that you too are a nice man.

Before you can have that shit pile that was your life and is your father, its so incredibly important to go back. I am not a T but have now taken some courses that have helped me deal with my own demons and i know that the greater awareness you have, the more tools you possess to help. You sound hopeless with a loss of your mojo, but dude it is not gone.

A T who can help you slowly repattern attachments will be a great first step. Understanding that you had the double whammy of a perp for a dad and a non protectiong mother. Their job was to make you be safe and feel safe and they never did. Its on them. Not you, you as a kid did what you could to feel secure, how can you when you were never taught that. More importantly your nervous system was always on high alert. It still is, thats what the drugs try to do, dumb it down, it can sometimes manage it , but its not a solution.

Hug your partner, safe touch is a great first step. Feel safe in his arms. Nothing more, no expectatations. Somatic experiencing can help you safely discharge some of your bodies response from such unconsciounable trauma. My heart truly goes out to you. this is the web info,
http://www.traumahealing.com/somatic-experiencing/index.html

It will help restore what you had and more importantly what you never possessed. I remember going to a 12 step meeting and one guy said that he wanted that feeling of being a happy kid back. When you abused from so young and by the very people that should be unconditionally loving you, well you never got to be a happy kid. Impacted, affected, and realing from all that shit yes, but bro you are NOT Damaged. You can feel whole, they can help you.

Be your own man, know that you are capable of love and happiness. As for your father, maybe not speaking to him alone or by forwarding all his emails to everyone who needs to know is best. Perhaps both you and your sister can speak to him directly. Dont expect any contrition on his part tho, that is clear. But you can set up a boundary whereby he does not get to speak to you in such a staggeringly disrespectful way. You do not have to take anything like that bs from him. Get advice from your T on steps you can take to protect yourself. They are really good with that stuff.

It can and will get so much better. The work is not easy but its so worth it. you are worth it.

There are enuf words to describe that mountain of emotions and feelings you are dealing with. Your post truly boils my blood. Yet, I know the trouble it is to just even face any of it, i have ADHD as well( i am going to start calling it gayDHD tho) so even beginning is almost too daunting a task. You have someone who loves you and who you love. That is the motivator you need, dont let the bastards win. you can,

The secret to getting ahead is getting started. MARK TWAIN

Take care Michael

grant

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#378052 - 12/04/11 01:08 AM Re: I don't know what I am dealing with... [Re: 1lifenow]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1491
Michael...

Wow - gee. Our paths are so eerily similar. In my case, instead of father insert older neighbor boy. Instead of 5 or 6 insert 12. Similar to your story, my baby sister was also a victim of the same abuser. I approached her about it ten years ago and she wouldn't discuss it. But after I mentioned it, her demons came rushing back and she did get help. We may have our first "chat" in a few weeks...

Like you, I have a male partner for several years now. My sexuality is confusing, and my sexual repertoire is limited - there is so much I won't do - strange that I place so many boundaries on sex when boundaries were meaningless to my abuser. The act of love CAN be beautiful for me, especially when it moves like a dance of bodies. But when anything sexual get's focused on mechanical detail, it becomes "gross". I won't have oral sex either way, since that is just a mechanical sex act. So strange. I call it Disney sex - everything beautiful and full of love and flowers, nice music, no oral sex or exposed genitalia yada yada smile .

Yet I am fortunate to have a lover who moves as I do - the perfect dance partner in the bedroom. He loves me and is very supportive.

Gosh, Michael, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things better. It takes so much work. All I can do is share and promise I'm always here for you when you need me. It DOES get better.

What helped me is that my attitude changed from one of fixing myself to one of just getting to know myself. I still haven't a clue how to change who I am and the prospect of changing myself seemed so daunting I always felt defeated before even starting. By just keeping my therapy work at the level of taking an adventure through my past, meeting my littler and younger self, I know better where I come from. That makes me a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

Hang in there, my friend. Keep sharing.

_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#378425 - 12/06/11 11:11 AM Re: I don't know what I am dealing with... [Re: Chase Eric]
J1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 137
Loc: Missouri
So true as to the parental incestuous abuse I got from mom and dad...and it was never talked about even 30 years later...When I reflect on the steps I employed to get on track, to shed the self destruct things we all seem to do...drinking, drugs, volatile relationships, depression, ADHD, and for me, being so stubborn and a fighter...we end up here.

This is good. For sharing in this community is safe, yet revealing...hard, but encouraging, a good place to be, for me. I built strength in stages. Being sober, eliminating people around me that are needy, negative or not strong. I ramped up my personal fitness and diet...for these things I can control. My remaining adult parent that abused me and was really lost in her own issues, remains in my life, as it is almost impossible to ignore this during holiday family crap.

A great therapist encouraged me to not attend family events with the understanding that it wrecks me, and there will be no resolution to my mom and I having the talk. I hate to lie, but if I do not go to social events, I say i am busy or ill. I did get ill each time I had to play family. My adult siblings make it very brief in these events as well.

The emails from a dad/abuser to a son/daughter might be healthy for his soul, but there is no law that says you must read it or respond. It is a poor excuse for communications about serious issues. Maybe let it go..ignore...do not respond...stay tuned in with the T, address the current physical conditions, accept that this is the roughest part of getting past the stuff. It is like a purge, I think...I get so sick if I let this crap fester...so I change up my routine...get outdoors, ignore the phones, emails and crazy stuff. Make it through the nights, get out of the bed and move, meditate, do yoga, bake bread...anything we can control ourselves and that is organic, tends to put some calmness into the day. If the depression type vibes become overwhelming, get a medical eval...there are some things that help...and if at first it doesnt help, try something else..many meds have vastly different effects on any given person.

It gets better....

Jeff


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