Newest Members
DT, kk90, Austintexan, Cancan, LS
12257 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Blank (36), christx (41), Heartonfire (38), Nathan LaChine (31)
Who's Online
5 registered (Jacob S, HD001, Andreas, 2 invisible), 28 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12257 Members
73 Forums
63126 Topics
441435 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 3 of 3 < 1 2 3
Topic Options
#379257 - 12/13/11 11:23 AM Re: why [Re: MarkK]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 724
Loc: NJ
Without discussing this particular situation....I know a well known T who will tell you he is happy if your uncomfortable as long as your safe...cause when were a bit uncomfortable some real work can be done....but SAFETY is paramount.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
#379261 - 12/13/11 11:32 AM Re: why [Re: Castle]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1540
My T says the same--feeling safe is the most important aspect for opening up and healing. It was not until I felt safe that I could talk of what happened to me. When feeling unsafe, I guess it is like the child who was feeling unsafe with the perpetrator.


Top
#379267 - 12/13/11 12:00 PM Re: why [Re: KMCINVA]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1389
Loc: California
Mark,

I think your last note touches on something significant in all of us as survivors. It's about boundaries, and how ours have been perverted.

"He just overstepped his boundaries. But I'm sure I drove him to it... it was surely my fault in the first place."

I don't think this is a fair conclusion to make. It is often the conclusion most of us make when other people do things that are disappointing. I certainly take responsibilty for other people's behavior.

This, to me, is a symptom of bad boundaries (which we have). I'm not saying the therapist did NOT exhibit bad boundaries. They certainly DID by emailing you again. However, you blaming yourself for THEIR behavior is also a signature of a bad boundary.

A healthy boundary, I'm beginning to see, consists of allowing people to be who they are, without my feeling responsible for ANY of it. It's difficult to imagine, but once the threads of this reality started creeping into my consciousness, it's amazing how big the world starts to become, as well as realizing the freedom in how I can choose to respond to what happens around me.

Sorry if this comes off a little too abstract. I just woke up, it's my 40th birthday, and I'm looking forward to exploring this big new world, where I am not to blame for anything.

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#379437 - 12/14/11 01:46 PM Re: why [Re: Magellan]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
well, happy birthday
not too abstract - though I don't completely agree - you make good points.
I guess my biggest hurdle now is feeling safe again


Top
#379444 - 12/14/11 03:39 PM Re: why [Re: MarkK]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1389
Loc: California
Mark,

I think that you are right - feeling safe is tantamount to recovery. I do hope you find a therapist who is qualified to work with CSA issues in men.

You deserve a spectacular recovery.

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#379496 - 12/14/11 09:13 PM Re: why [Re: MarkK]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
MarkK - having just read this thread, it really bothered me to see the last line in the thread read "surely my fault in the first place." I hope you were being sarcastic and don't in anyway think it was your fault.

You are the one doing the recovery work - having an emotional crisis or 'outburst' during recovery is guaranteed if you're really working hard and beginning to really explore your internal pain. If you're therapist goes from calling the cops, to sending you a termination letter, to stalking you via email long after you've said stop - there is NOTHING that's your fault.

It's not your fault the therapist didn't handle himself more appropriately. It's not your fault the therapist lacks any sense of boundaries after lines are so distinctly drawn. It's not your fault that because of his ineptitude, you need to find yourself a new therapist. You're not responsible for his actions. There is no shame here for you. The therapist should be ashamed of himself but just like your abusers, you don't deserve any shame or blame for the therapist's failures.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this - I had to terminate my very first therapist because during our first sessions she said she didn't believe in 'recovered' memories - I felt ashamed of myself for a while - thinking maybe my recovered memories were somehow false! Thankfully I had a couple survivor books and I kept on track with my recovery - deciding her skewed and limited perspective wasn't going to stop me from getting better.

Stay at it MarkK - it's your recovery that's most important.

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

Top
#379608 - 12/15/11 05:09 PM Re: why [Re: Survivinguy]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: Survivinguy
It's not your fault that because of his ineptitude, you need to find yourself a new therapist.


...well, whether or not it's my fault - I don't think I need a new therapist. I think it's time I accepted my losses there and stayed FAR away from any new ones.

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

Top
#379622 - 12/15/11 06:39 PM Re: why [Re: MarkK]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 392
Loc: west coast
Mark

you are entitled to do anything you feel is right for you. The best you can do is listen and trust that inner voice of inuition , there is no wrong or right answer.

My friend is a T, she said if there is "push back" from the patient, that's a healthy sign.

I have been through enuf T's to know that they are not all as capable, so dont feel like you have to stay where you are. at the same time don't let change scare you.

cognitive, psychodynamic, somatic experiencing, they are all different types. do your research, see which one fits best then call 3 diff T's. some will even let you meet no charge, they you can decide. Maybe you'll decide its all ok for now.

whatever the decision , second guessing yourself is just part of the same pattern you dont want to re-live. KNOW that you're doing the right thing.

good luck, keep us posted

cheers

grant

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

Top
#379625 - 12/15/11 06:52 PM Re: why [Re: 1lifenow]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1540
Mark

We all have doubts. I have gone to sleep hoping I would not wake but know I deserve better than what has happened. I could not control the abuse, but I can control what happens once I try to understand what happened. You have the ability to accept what happened to you and to understand why you acted the way you did, now you must accept and not let those around you set you back. Keep going and do not let anyone push you back. I fight it everyday--sometimes better than other days, but there are those who do not want you to succeed because they will have to admit their own culpability. Stay strong, fight you deserve it


Top
#380063 - 12/19/11 02:28 PM Re: why [Re: KMCINVA]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Good words - VERY hard to accept. "KNOW that you're doing the right thing" (1lifenow) and "...you deserve it" (KMCINVA) - they're about as hard for me to hear as it would be for me to say. How do you get to where you believe, really believe, you're worth it?

Better yet, how do i get to the ;point where i no longer believe the abuse was all my fault?


Top
Page 3 of 3 < 1 2 3


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.