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#377932 - 12/03/11 11:16 AM Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
**trigger warning** Long Post Too

Hubs' brother (his incest offender) was convicted and sentenced last Feb for CSA against 5 teen girls. That's when he spiraled down (for lack of a better word). He used a cartoon character's underwear aas part of the staging/offending. This was published (with his name). Hubs obsessively read everything about the trial (held 3 hours from us), began not sleeping well, eating more, not job-hunting (his business was shutting down after 3 years of self-employment). His anger surfaced, alternated with hours and hours of silence. He suddenly encouraged me to hang out with an old BF, never asked where we were going, time line of return, who else would be there...no details. He began going out alone more, never staying out very late, always coming home. When family members called, he comforted them.

Then the internet stuff began.
*He'd get up and be online while I was sleeping.
*He wanted to use more porn with me (viewing younger women. That's not ok with me, although amateur was....my issues and his mixed. )
*He vascillated between being ok with us dating (women only) outside marriage and closing off and not wanting sex at all(outside partners was a common topic, I'm bi and one of my issues has been a struggle with how to satisfy my desires to be with other women and whether negotiated monogamy (monogamish?) was ok for us.
*Flirting with my friends and his former co-workers, arranging more get-togethers with a group than there used to be.
*Taking me to a sex club for our anniversary (with the agreement we'd be only with each other.)

A month after our anniversary, I used his computer (kids were on mine.) As I typed into the search bar, the history dropped down and I saw that he'd directly typed into a porn site recently, as well as craigslist. So I pulled up the full history and saw that when I took kids to appointments, or went to recovery meetings during the day when the kids were gone, he was using porn, but more often was cruising CL. He never answered ads, unless he used 'in-private' to do that. But he window shopped for women, groups of men and groups of women locally, and single men in the area where his brother lived.

My mind returned to things that have happened in our 6 years together: inappropriate conversations and non-work-related get-togethers with female employees, leaving me alone for hours at his high school reunion, out-of-town trips with his guy friends where he refused to give me hotel room numbers, or was "out of cell range", day trips and parties with his friends where he was unreachable and wouldn't commit to a return time...he had told me I was the one out of hand, that I have a trust problem, that he was completely trustworthy. We argued often about these things. I retaliated by flirting with his friends, and by insisting he not spend time with one friend that Hubs had said was with him when he had cheated on wife #1 (I accepted that it was a pre-sobriety one-night stand and assumed his behavior had changed in his years sober.)

And I never said a word. Still haven't. My trust was shattered, and it showed. I started checking his phone and internet usage daily. Obsessed that he was living a double life. Found more porn history, phsyical evidence (stained clothing), lies about how late he was working at events at his PT stadium job and he denied it all, then raged. I never found a 'smoking gun', the undeniable truth. Just more fear.

A month ago, after he disclosed and returned to therapy, he suddenly password-protected his computer and created a user acocunt for me. He changed his social network and email passwords and refused to give me access. (I offered full access to all mine.)He cleared the internet history and temp files and cookies.

Last week as I logged in on a site to comment on something, the drop-down showed every ID used on this computer. There were nicknames for him I know he and I have, that he used for ID's. I don't know where. A few days ago, I went to a photo storage site I use to send stuff to my parents...and one of his handles was there to log on. I didn't know he even had a photo account anywhere.

What do I do? How much privacy can he reasonably expect in light of this stuff? What can I request from him? This is till a huge trust breach, because he's not being honest currently. I know he used the computer while I slept recently, only there was no history. He's learned 'porn mode' privacy browsing features. He clears his phone history every few days now, and blames his phone dying on the clearance.

I'm hurt, mad, betrayed by the dishonesty and by his demand for monogamy while he keeps his secret. I kind of don't care if it's CSA-affected because now HE KNOWS. Now he has disclosed and sought help. This is unacceptable behavior and is not healing. Survivors, how have you all handled this, what guidleines do you keep if you're partnered? F&F, how do you all handle it?

Refusing to stop this behavior may eventually be a deal breaker for me. I committed to monogamy against my gut instinct and now it appears that I might not have gotten that in return.

Thanks for reading the whole thing. I'm striving for shorter posts and am not there yet. I appreciate your patience.



Edited by Airmid (12/03/11 11:23 AM)

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#377942 - 12/03/11 11:57 AM Re: Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Now I kind of wish a mod could go in and edit this for clarity. It looks terrible.

I don't like denial...mine or Hubs'.


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#377943 - 12/03/11 12:01 PM Re: Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls [Re: Airmid]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
You can edit your own posts.

_________________________
Female.

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#377952 - 12/03/11 01:03 PM Re: Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls [Re: Disappointed]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6452
Loc: Right Behind You!
Airmid,

I don't think you are asking the right question here. As I see it, the "internet privacy" topic is an "incidental."



Originally Posted By: airmid
This is unacceptable behavior and is not healing


You are absolutely correct here!


Your post needs no further editing. I think I see what's going on. The two of you are not even in the same stadium.

He's having this out-of-control episode of bad behavior and appears to be off-the-hook. He's demanding behavior from you that enables him to continue on this really bad-behavior escapade. It seems as if hes as busy as a Wall Street floor trader and wants you to "stay out of the way...but be there for when I crash...cuz I know I'm gonna crash at some point." Plus, he wants his base-camp (you, your kids and your current life) to remain there because he just does not want to lose it.

For you to stand aside while he runs around like Charlie Sheen is out of the question (IMO).

The stuff on the computer, the use of the computer, the passwords...are all BS. Its time for the Come To Jesus meeting tween you two. Its time for actual healing on his part. The CSA is NOT a pass to run randy and piss on marriage vows.

You need to inventory your options before the throw-down. What are you willing to do? What will you clearly state you are not gonna tolerate. You need to know what you are willing to do if he won't even come to the table. Yo9u cannot wing it. You have to be prepared with your inventory of options and actions.

Most of all, you are not a door-mat and will no longer be treated as such!



Edited by Robbie Brown (12/03/11 01:07 PM)
_________________________
Keep the others in your life happy - Comply Comply Comply

The Aftermath Video

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#377979 - 12/03/11 04:48 PM Re: Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls [Re: Still]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Airmid

Well everything that Robbie said is true, I especially like the last bit, ....You are not a door mat.
The expression Have you no pride comes to mind, but before you turn off let me explain.

You have lost all pride, you have lost your sense of self, and you have let this man mentally abuse you to a point where you are swallowing any BS that he hands you.

You must as Robbie says have a come to Jesus meet with this man. Know in your mind what is and what isnt acceptable behaviour. Draw the line in the sand and NEVER let that line be crossed.

Remember that you may need to make the hard choices sometimes, but stick to your guns. If he breaks your rules, and your boundary is that he must move out, then you must push through with that choice.

The battle lines are drawn, you lay out what he can and cant do, or he must leave.

It sounds harsh, but again as Robbie says, he wants to behave like an animal and treat you like a trash can, but when he crashes he wants you there to pick him up again. NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR.

You can BTW install K9 web protector on the PC that will tell you of every site that he goes to no matter what he does to hide it. I know from harsh experience, not even the phone used on a wireless network at home escapes the storage of the K9. Its a free download.

Airmid, my words may be harsh, but you are a valuable person, only you need to realize this now.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#378058 - 12/04/11 03:45 AM Re: Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls [Re: whome]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
Airmid,
Set your boundary immediately. He is taking advantage of the fact that you do not have any set. He should expect no privacy what-so-ever. He should not have "private" accounts or user ids etc. If he wants you, he should expect to give you full disclosure and full access.

He is being dishonest and you should feel betrayed. You are being betrayed.

You need to decide what you want out of the relationship and what is acceptable to you.
Many times when we are in the midst of the storm we don't realize our own value. You are valuable. He needs you and it sounds like you want/need him too. If he's worth all the words typed. Tell him. You have nothing to loose. Just make sure you know what you want and what your boundaries are OR he will find a loop hole.

Think about it. Write it down. And then talk to him

_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#378092 - 12/04/11 11:18 AM Re: Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls [Re: Anniemy4sons]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Thank you all. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt not only that I am valuable, but that I deserve far better than this. He can grow or go. Sadly, I would be the one to leave: we live on his family's land, the house is in disrepair, and I'll gladly let him stay here. It would mean driving 30 minutes each way for school for my kids, and I'm willing to do that until the end of the school year. I dread having to choose to leave everything I love about our town because he refuses to change. But...I can only control me.

I barely was able to sit through an AA mtg with him last night where the topic was honesty. All I heard was the cover-up coming out of his mouth...how valuable honesty is to him, blahblah. I'm so angry. He might be able to still stuff the past and ignore its effects today (or try to), but I cannot and won't. He's getting in the way of my healing and destroying a partnership. I'm worth it, he's worth it, the marriage is worth it, but not on these terms. This is not equitable. This is lop-sided at best, manipulative and enabling him at worst.

I'm making my list for talking to him in the next few days and running it past a good friend. I know I'll never be homeless, go without the basics (food, etc.) and I wonder just how much to tell the kids if I end up leaving. "Mommy chose poorly and was duped by an addict" sounds harsh. It's fairly accurate though.

I'll read and check in to let you all know how I'm doing. I'm so shattered. I thought things were really improving, then I looked at this time line and the situation on the whole and saw it for what it is.


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#378093 - 12/04/11 11:24 AM Re: Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls [Re: Airmid]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6452
Loc: Right Behind You!
Please dont shred him to your children. That was done to me and is still being done to me by my ex's family. If I were not already a no-pride, loser disgrace of a near-human, I'd never survive that treatment.

_________________________
Keep the others in your life happy - Comply Comply Comply

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#378095 - 12/04/11 11:33 AM Re: Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls [Re: Still]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Robbie: that was anger talking. I would not demean him like that, because it would harm him and the kids to do so.The answer they would hear would be "grown up stuff which affects you but stuff that is about the adult relationship, not yours." And then reassurance that they are not at fault at all.

My hope is that he comes clean and we rebuild (or build something altogether different.) He's an amazing dad, and I thought was a good friend until I saw how much he is hiding. That fear is huge for him, but it doesn't wipe out conscious decisions.

Survivors, tell me about the compulsion. If you're sober, can you describe any similarities to the drink obsession? I tried looking at it that way, and all I could think of was "hell, he was able to put the plug in the jug, so why not with porn/cruising?" I know it's not excuses for his behavior, but I'm well aware of my own acting out when I was younger, before i started my own CSA healing. I know his shame is far deeper than mine, but I do know what poor coping skills will do to a person.



Edited by Airmid (12/04/11 11:34 AM)
Edit Reason: clarification

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#378247 - 12/05/11 10:08 AM Re: Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Update:
Hubs talked with the relative who owns our land, and their past decisions have caught up with them. The relative didn't take our suggestions regarding the financial advice received in buying this land, and is at risk of losing the house/is in a must-sell situation. Hubs sees how his yard mess will cost much $ to clean. This is the mess his now-failed business (see first paragraph in my OP) created. he didn't take care of it at the time. Is procrastination a CSA-specific thing, by any chance? Fear of both success and failure?

Whether I stay with him or not, moving in the spring at the latest)is a must.

I caught myself mentally trying to get out of having "the talk" about his actions, and although the very recent past is an improvement, I need a commitment from him that he won't act out/use porn/cruise online during this huge stressor. So I'll have the talk tonight. The codependent part of me is already thinking "but he's under so much stress, and he's exhausted and this is bad timing! Wah!" but the reality is that this talk MUST happen in order to determine if I go with him or not in the spring. His now-failed business created the literal mess in the yard, and regardless of the source of the emotions that created his avoidance which caused the mess, it must be cleaned. And he wants me to work outside the house to help finance this cleanup and move. I'm feeling rebellious, angry and retaliatory, too, and don't want to help. I feel better when I work, though, and keeping that as my motive is essential.

No more hiding actions and no more hiding from uncomfortable emotions. It's time. I'm sick of being broke, I'm fairly unemployable, and this whole experience is very humbling. I've also backed off my meditation (sitting zazen), and I see this as a sign that I HAVE to get back to doing it. I stopped because I wasn't letting the heavy emotions pass through, so it appears that buckling down and feeling them is a 'have to'. They'll pass, if I take action. I just have to choose the right action.


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