I am hurting, a lot right now.
It's very bad right now. Unfortunately this SSA bullshit is coming back up again. Fan-fucking-tastic!
I'm in a lot of pain, and I'm very agitated/frustrated.
I finally talked to my 11 year old brother about what happened to us.
Goddamnit he's in pain. He's confused, lost, hurt and needs a father but has none. I'm all he's got and he only gets me on the weekends. I'm doing my best but how the hell can I take care of him if I can't take care of me?
I'm tired of fighting everyday just to feel like a human, and failing.

It's like i'm charging uphill at a Machine-Gun nest, with a pocket knife.

Does anyone ever take their life back after this?
Is it possible to take back your manhood and your innate human love and beauty? Or am I doomed to a dysfunctional, obsessive,cowering lifestyle?
Will I ever feel natural?
Will I ever stop obsessing about this 'gay' bullshit?
It's really wearing thin on me and there's this other person inside of me who I constantly ask "why do you exist?".
I have an idea of why, but it scares the hell out of me.
I'm out,
Henri

Henri,

While I identify as predominantly gay, I think I might have some words of wisdom that might be helpful.

When I was 18, I decided to just accept my feelings of being gay, and acted out on them. I learned to be non judgmental of myself, and just explored it.

20 years later, after now coming to terms with CSA, I now acknowledge that maybe I might not be gay. Maybe CSA had a huge impact on my "orientation". Right now, I don't know. But I believe that I will discover my native sexuality sooner than later. But in the mean time, I've at least enjoyed a somewhat healthy sex life. I've had some good sex that I have no regrets of.

My suggestion? Don't judge whatever feelings or perceptions or desires you're having. Allow them to be. You don't have to act on them, do you?

Only in the place of non judgment can we hold ourselves in the light of truth.

D

PS: I hope I don't come across as preachy.

I have no doubt that people can take their life back. It will require a lot of pain, effort and work, but it's entirely possible. Sometimes it feels like two steps forward, one step back. There will be times that I feel I am gaining ground and something will come up and push me back, but I don't feel that I am back to where I started, but maybe a little further along.

To say what we are dealing with sucks is an understatement of the decade. Sometimes we have to tuck our heads and keep trudging forward.

Henri -
I believe it is possible to take your life back. If I didn't believe that I wouldn't still be here.
I am glad your brother has you. You may be just what he needs because you've been there and you can be there for him. He is blessed in that. Even if you don't have answers, be there for him. (BTW - fathers are often over-rated, I have found.)
I love your comparison: "It's like i'm charging uphill at a Machine-Gun nest, with a pocket knife." I know the feeling. Hey -be glad you have the pocket knife and are not totally empty-handed!
Hang in there, man.
Regards,
Lee

Well if I take out the MG nest with my knife, then I'm a hero lol.
Thx guys.
Back in the game.

Henri your words say you got the guts to do it all.

Many of us have motivators to it as well. I got my wife and kids.

Bud, you got your brother. We do it for us. We do it for them.

Yeah, SSA and all the bullshit sorts out. Be yourself because what you show men here that who your are is really good.

I'm here to be sure someone says this stuff, because it is true.

Keith

Thanks again everyone. I guess this shit just takes work.
It sucks that it's a struggle just to stay grounded in reality.
It pisses me off that it's a battle just to enjoy myself.
I like to think that there's a certain point in recovery, when you can let down your guard, throw caution to the wind, and just live.
I'll get there and I know every other survivor out there has the means to do it.
All it takes is a little hope and a good amount of strength (things that we already have but are slow to give ourselves credit for).
Take care, and happy holidays to all.
-Henri

King, your stuff here gets read a lot. Men listen to you here.

Even though you feel vulnerbale I'd say you are like that Springsteen song..."Tougher Than the Rest".

Shit, even your name has Jersey Swagger.

Make the holidays special for your kid brother and for yourself. You two are gonna make it. You know it's the stone cold truth.

Hey king!

"Does anyone ever take their life back after this? "

YES!

It's been more about BUILDING a life for myself piece by piece, Day by day.

Building a foundation- having trusted relationships. Learning Intimacy with self and safe supportive men. Working thru my issues in whatever meetings, counseling, 12 steps, men's groups - whatever vehicle that is available and possible and fits.

IMHO the SSA is not bullshit-it is the pain of my deepest wounds that need real healing and care in ways I never could alone or by my own efforts. My SSA is//was about anger towards my perps, a desire to be affirmed and validated as a man-not as a boy, and a need for control and power in my life.

Every man has his own SSA formula that points the ways towards getting needs met in authentic and intimate and fearless ways- IF we choose to face this part of ourselves. When I couldn't face that part of me, shame and despair and frustration had a grip on me.

And when other men provided a safe place for me to be vulnerable to own my whole story and weakness, I found deeper strength and hope I never knew I had.

I, for one, am f'king glad you exist-if only on his forum- you speak truth powerfully and honestly. I hear that-and I makes me a better man because I have felt and done and been all that too.

Like your answer--I am trying to get it back-hard work--ups and downs--but I am getting to know myself--everyone says it can be done--but I wish it was less painful and difficult than it has been. I am moving forward (and there are the steps backwards) but gaining ground.

Henri,

I had NO idea you had a little brother and that he's been abused too. This is truly tragic news (that he was abused). Its great news in the HE has YOU. I'm sure you already see that anyway.

11 is one brutal age if you can't be as frivolous as your peers. I experienced that, and you likely did too. At 11, I so fully admired the kids my age. I wanted SO SO much to be like them. I also REALLY wanted a older male figure in my life that did not terrorize me or use me as warm meat. Your brother is SO fortunate to have you dude!!! I know things suck right now, but I actually am glad that a hurting 11 year-old has a big brother that "gets it." Sorry if that sounds negligent of you, or just totally freakin ignorant. i can do that on occasion.

One thing I see here and older posts is that you see elements of pain and basic elements of life pretty clearly. I've also been thinking about my love of the desert out there (as I've told you before). I have a strange love for those aircraft graveyards in the Pima and Tucson area...which of course leads me to a song.

The video I've attach was filmed in CA desert and at/close to The Salton Sea. If you don't know that place...just stay far away. Breathing the air there can make you seriously ill.

The video was shot with very old-school technology and artistic technique. Computer CGA was not used in the content creation...maybe a bit in the final wrap-export to video. Otherwise, everything you see in it was done as you see it...including film staining. it was a LOT of work for the producer. Both he and Roland (Singer) have a great love of the desert too.

The song is about decay of things...the decay of life even, but from the elements will rise a Phoenix. The "new" (the baby here) rises from and in and surrounded by the decay of what was.

I spent some time (maybe 5 minutes...lol) with Roland last year in a meet-n-greet. He had to endure my gushing about this song...but I let him speak long enough to ask how many times I've had to listen to it to arrive at my own conclusions about it. "About 100."

[video:youtube] http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x293b4_tears-for-fears-break-it-down-again_music#rel-page-1 [/video]