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#378142 - 12/04/11 04:15 PM When is enough enough?
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 704
Loc: NJ
Is it time for me to go?

My husband was sweet and loving, doting and connected. And then he started having an affair and became mean and disconnected (not only from me, but from his kids). He says the affair ended 7 months ago but he remains mean. I perceive that he lacks commitment to the trust building process and that he is not open or completely honest. In fact, I catch him lying about stupid insignificant things. He evades, denies or RAGES. He is never tender, never really apologetic. (He revealed his CSA 4 months after I found out about the affair)

So... here's my question for survivors....

Could his CSA create these behaviors in him? Could the CSA explain some of them? Without the CSA disclosure, I would be done for sure because I feel like he just doesn't love me. But when I ask him if he loves me, he is like "More than you know." All the therapists say he loves me deeply. But he can't show remorse, affection, honesty, VULNERABILITY. ??

If these are csa issues, then I feel like we have something to work on together. But if they are not, then what am I doing???


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#378147 - 12/04/11 05:06 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
wgrrcb Offline


Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 32


Edited by wgrrcb (02/20/13 03:36 PM)

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#378151 - 12/04/11 05:38 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: wgrrcb]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 704
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: wgrrcb
The actions toward you are the same no matter what the reasons are.


Thank you for saying this. I guess I was having trouble seeing it this way - for what it is.


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#378153 - 12/04/11 05:49 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
George E. Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 48
Loc: Kent, Washington
There is no excuse for adultery, verbal, physical, mental or sexual abuse. No matter what hell you have gone through in your life, it doesn't excuse or explains or justify having an affair.
A person has to own and be responsible for their reactions to negative stimulae. There is always a choice to do what is right, or to act up.
That is why it is so important to get professional help, to be able to navigate those dark waters and stir the vessel in the right direction.A person doesn't get well cold turkey.
As for the spouse, there has to be a line that if crossed, life altering disitions need to be made. No one has to suffer abuse of any kind, we all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
These are my personal opinions, that I have drawn from my own experience.


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#378154 - 12/04/11 06:00 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: George E.]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 704
Loc: NJ
But George - what about the weird emotional stuff? Can his fear of my anger create a situation in which he simply cannot relate?


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#378161 - 12/04/11 06:19 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
George E. Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 48
Loc: Kent, Washington
The thing is: Is that reason enough to abuse or cheat? What I am saying is that your husband needs to "man up" to his behavior and reactions, and recognize them for what they are, and seek professional help. Otherwise it will be just going on around in circles.


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#378165 - 12/04/11 06:32 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: George E.]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 704
Loc: NJ
There is no manning up - I just wonder if it because he does not care - or because he is afraid.


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#378166 - 12/04/11 06:45 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
George E. Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 48
Loc: Kent, Washington
When you try to rationalize this kind of stuff, you are enabling a conduct that is wrong by any accepted rule of behavior.
your husband needs to take stock of his actions, realize that his behavior is destructive, and seek professional help.


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#378174 - 12/04/11 07:44 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: George E.]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Amen George! As supporters we want to give the benefit of the doubt especially since we love our husbands so much. Often to our determent. We have been co dependents for a long time it's hard to change but we need to.


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#378175 - 12/04/11 07:50 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Gretta]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 704
Loc: NJ
I second the Amen!

No more rationalizing... no more excuses.


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