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#377687 - 12/02/11 08:02 AM Scared
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Why am I so scared to tell my family the things that happened to me when I was younger. I know in my head that it might be better for everyone to know so they all understand why I went so nuts for a while, but I hold back with all my mite because I am afraid that everyone will look at me in a differant way.
like, my dad is a fag, he had sex with a man, did he really like it, all the bull shit thoughts that people can have. The last thing that I want is people feeling sorry for me, That would make matters even worse.
My wife is the only one that knows the whole story about my past and she is the greatest gift that God could have givin me and I almost screwed that all up when I was acting out. But by telling her the story she now has compassion to help me get thru this.
Would our children? They are all over 20 now.
Or would I be stepping into more difficult things that I dont need right now as I am still trying to get past all of the CSA.

I am sure that I am not the only one that has gone thru this and would appriciate any advise that you may have.
Thanks and God Bless

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#377695 - 12/02/11 09:10 AM Re: Scared [Re: Dar]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
I sympathize with you. For me, it was the shame of it. What I did was send an E-mail to a couple of my siblings who I was 99.9999% sure would support me with the condition that they tell nobody without telling me why and who but the final decision was mine. After that it got a lot easier, but there will always be that tiny nagging doubt that you will not be supported by them. To me, that's absolutely natural for anybody - abused or not. The rejection though will be way harder for us because of the loss of trust when we were abused.

I also have a list of gets told and when, starting with the most trustworthy in my opinion and going down to the one I trust the least being last.

Doing it this way, I have control over who gets told when and it also lets me do the positive ones first and get all the positives engrained in my brain box for when the inevitable "your foolish, they wouldn't do that" comes up hopefully much later.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#377702 - 12/02/11 10:10 AM Re: Scared [Re: Sailor John]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
You have a gift in your wife. My wife and children have reacted the way you fear you will be perceived. I hear it day in and day out. But you have a supportive wife and she can influence children to understand. When the spouse takes a role in the "bullshit thoughts" the children will be influenced. In my situation my spouse is part of perpetuating the false perception. I am learning I acted out to recreate and thought by reliving I could control the abuse and from my CSA. I have an issue and my T is working on it to get over that I had control over the CSA. I was a child. I understand logically but if I accept than I was not in control--I am afraid of how much worse I will feel and how many other memories will come back.If your spouse wants to control you and the children she would not be there for you-she would be insulting and denigrating you in front of the children for your past. She understands what you went through, sounds like a jewel and can really help in keeping your relationship with the children.



Edited by KMCINVA (12/02/11 10:15 AM)

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#377711 - 12/02/11 10:47 AM Re: Scared [Re: Sailor John]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1203
Quote:
like, my dad is a fag, he had sex with a man, did he really like it, all the bull shit thoughts that people can have.

Sorry - just have a problem with that whole line of thinking - even if it is a fear you are ascribing to others. I take it you are worried your family will think like this - in those terms? If they do, it's pretty simplistic, one-dimensional thinking that doesn't come close to any comprehensive engagement of CSA issues.

Do you harbor anger towards those who are gay? Can you see that such anger is a lie - a displaced aggression?

...previous post of yours:

Quote:
I now hate all gay people with all my heart, they are sick, as sick as any pervert can be and dont care who they hurt to get their jollys off.

Intolerance takes many forms; all derive from an abiding sense of ignorance. If you have walked the path most of us have, there is much you know and much to learn. When you speak with your family about these issues and your past, I hope you dispel the misguided notion that male-on-male CSA has as much to do with gay sex that male-on-female CSA has to do with straight sex.

If you have acquiesced at 16 to inappropriate sexual advances, you need to square that with yourself in a deeper way than invoking prejudicial platitudes. It takes a lot of work and candid introspection - and this is a wonderful venue to supplement that. My situation was similar when I was 12. In either case, we perceived ourselves to be at fault when the adults really held all the cards in a fixed game.

We are all here to share, and to help when we can. But you should be aware that there are many here who identify themselves as gay and feel targeted by these types of comments.

_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#377712 - 12/02/11 10:59 AM Re: Scared [Re: Chase Eric]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
Chase Eric--

I believe like you anyone who is not a survivor and labels how one acts at is one dimensional--but unfortunately many in society do not or do not want to understand CSA. His children are important and he does not want to hurt them or make them feel awkward. The media is one dimensional on this issue. You are right the type of sex is not the issue, CSA can create confusion on identity and orientation or simply acting out to gain a sense of control over the CSA. CSA is not black and white, but as you stated more complex and inference of type of acting out does not define who you truly are--it is an effect of the CSA.



Edited by KMCINVA (12/02/11 11:03 AM)

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#377731 - 12/02/11 01:28 PM Re: Scared [Re: KMCINVA]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Chase Eric

As to my 1st posting:
Sorry if my comments appear to target one group of people, but I have only seen and been used by gay men that took full advantage of me as a child. So yes I do harbor feelings toward them right now. I hope that in the future that will change, right now I am just starting the process of recovery and am having a very difficult time with it.
I have a problem with almost any man even touching me. My famliy doctors are female by choice because I dont want a man touching my privates during examinations because I feel that they might get off on it. It's sad to think that way but I do, even tho I know in my head that it's BS.

But back to my original post on this thread, All I really want to hear is how others like me went about this and what if any ramifications there were.

As far as your comment of: "If you have acquiesced at 16 to inappropriate sexual advances" You might want to reframe from such accusations on this site as you have no idea what happened to anyone else here. Only you know what really happened to you at 12.

Thanks for the comments

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#377732 - 12/02/11 01:37 PM Re: Scared [Re: Dar]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
Hi Dar,

I identify as predominantly gay. And I welcome you to take all the time you need to heal from your wounds. I take no personal offense, because I understand.

We all deserve healing.

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#377739 - 12/02/11 02:18 PM Re: Scared [Re: Magellan]
blindpet Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 57
Loc: DK and UK, Europe
Hi Dar,

It is perfectly normal to hate all gay people since you were abused by gay men. I myself was abused by a man (don't know if he was gay or not - he did claim to have girlfriends but most of his victims were men) and I hated homosexuals for most of my adolescence. Now they don't bother me nearly as much.

It's understandable you want female doctors, you simply don't trust men and in time you will. One step at a time.

If you can, try to target your hatred towards people who abuse others, in time I think you'll see their color, age, religion etc doesn't matter at all. The reason you hate those men is cause they abused you not because they were gay.

In time you will heal, get the anger and hatred out towards the abusers in a healthy way.

-Mike

_________________________
I didn't fuck it up, but I will unfuck it up. All MS members: Let's all unfuck it up!
It does get better because I will make it better, together we can make it better.

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#377742 - 12/02/11 02:28 PM Re: Scared [Re: Dar]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1203
Hi, Dar -

You are right in that I can only speak for myself. My comment of the inappropriate sexual advances was from your previous post I'm sincerely sorry if my paraphrase was seen as an accusation. It certainly was not intended to be.

You are also quite correct in that I can only share my experiences and say what I have realized for myself. The rest of this post is strictly about ME then (not in an ego-centric way) - and you can derive whatever you want from it. That said, when I read your previous posts, I recognized my earlier self and my own fears back then - regardless of how valid that resonance may actually be.

At age 12, I essentially felt that I was giving in to - and deriving pleasure from - my molester (who, by the way, went after far more girls than boys). I didn't know what gay was, had no clue about sex, and couldn't even put a name on what was happening to me. It was just dirty, secret naked stuff that I did not want to do. But he always got his way and pushed my buttons. I could never thwarted him from his aims, try as I might. I trusted him implicitly - he was older and should have known better. I crossed the border into puberty while engaged in what my therapist would later characterize as "a highly intense sexual relationship to which I had no ability to either consent or decline."

But I admit to the "gay panic" - once I learned exactly what I was lead to participate in by this "big brother" next door. I was terrified I might be gay because of what I did and enjoyed. I was convinced that because I enjoyed it, I was every bit as shameful and guilty as he ought to have been. When was older and went away to school, I remember that a friend of mine whispered - laughing - that another guy was "checking out" my butt. I was mortified, Dar. I mean I was absolutely beside myself - pissed at my own body for sending unwanted enticements. I had so much internal crap and shame and guilt from my abuser that I totally owned the problem. Imagine being angry at my own body! I guess I was pretty homophobic - it was the only fight I knew how to wage. KMCINVA was correct in saying that that is an effect of CSA. Never mind the fact that someone thought me attractive enough to cast an admiring gaze - to me it was an assault. Every defense shield went up and I essentially went to war with the only enemy I could fight - myself.

One day I realized I was afraid to take that hard look in the mirror and face who I might be. I was petrified at who I might see staring back at me. But I was determined to meet that person, end this war, and to accept him, whatever his faults. That has been the biggest grace in my recovery. But nobody could tell me that - I had to figure it out for myself. And I can't tell you or anyone else that THAT is the way. I can only share my story. And here it is.

My homophobia - I can see now from the perspective of time - was just an effort to regain control of my life - a life that as a child galloped under someone else's reins. Homophobia was ME grabbing those reins, ME steering the course that I could not admit was already forged and unchangeable. To admit that he changed my sexuality - or even tempered it to one of tolerance for gays - was just not going to happen. No way. No how.

And I thought I was fighting him. But I was only fighting myself.

I'm not fully gay or fully straight. I'm on a spectrum. I'm further along on that spectrum because of what happened to me as a child. But I'm learning that I had no control over that development. I'm learning that I can embrace who I became - even if some of who I have become was crafted in my abuser's hands - and that does NOT mean I embrace my abuser. I am learning that what happened to me wasn't a "gay thing" any more than what this same guy did to my sister was a "straight thing".

My main concern about the relationship between homophobia and CSA is that it is such a destructive lie. The stigma keeps other victims from coming forward. The news simplifies it and labels it. It kept me locked in battle with myself for years - never realizing the grace and acceptance that I really should have had.

My little soap-box moment... Ever the maverick here, I still think that the greatest source of information and hope to other victims is US. We are the ones who trudge through this sewer of dirty memories. We're the ones who lived it - and who still live with it today. Even more than the therapists and other so-called "experts" out there, we are the ones that hold the candle for others. It takes work to realize that this is not a "gay" issue. But with the tragic rates of suicide among young people who are terrified to come out, confused, or may have been abused themselves, the fact remains: when we see this as a "gay" thing, we do a disservice to ourselves and a disservice to others. I know it is perhaps easier said than done. I know that from my own experience. I cast no judgements on those who ascribe to that notion. But I hope you can understand that I cannot sit silent and allow that myth to perpetuate. It's just too poisonous.

That said, Dar, I hope you avail yourself of all the shared experiences on this board. I may be comfortable with my sexuality at long last, but I assure you that I think I am in the majority of those who have absolutely no intention or even the slightest desire to impose our desires on others. That boogy man is a red herring. I know - I chased him for years and got nowhere.

I am only reaching out in brotherhood and friendship...

_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#377762 - 12/02/11 04:12 PM Re: Scared [Re: Chase Eric]
Asmodeus Offline


Registered: 10/25/05
Posts: 112
Loc: Vestavia, Alabama, USA
Although I don't have the same reasons, I still have plenty of reasons for the fact that only three people know about what happened to me. The fact that I'm no longer friends with two of them sure as hell doesn't help. My main reason is the fact that I don't want my friends pitying me. I can't stand the thought of that happenning. It sucks so much knowing in my head that they probably wouldn't look at me any differently, but still not being able to say anything because of a feeling that they might.

_________________________
I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not fake.

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