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#378019 - 12/03/11 10:51 PM Relationship with our children/grandchildren
PMcgoohan Offline


Registered: 12/03/11
Posts: 5
First a quick background. My abuse was perpetrated by my uncle while he was my "babysitter". The time frame was approximately during the ages of 7-10.

During my entire life I felt loved when "perfect" but unloved when I rebelled or lashed out. This continued through adulthood.

My abuser was killed while serving in Vietnam when I was 14. Of course, my family mourned and considered him a hero for serving his country.

From that point through adulthood, I always had memories of the abuse but never said anything to another person until I was 37 years old. At that time I visited the Vietnam War memorial in DC to look up my uncle's name and hoped for a cathartic moment. I had a long tearful talk with my wife at the time. Within 6 months she filed for divorce.

To shorten this long story, I attempted suicide. In recovery I talked to my first wife (with whom I had a daughter) and told her of the CSA. She said she always suspected because of my fits of verbal rage when controlled or cornered.

I moved back with my parents and addressed my issues with a very good therapist.

I debated about telling my parents afraid of hurting them. I finally decided to explain and tell my parents of the abuse. They denied that it could have ever happened and refused to accept.

Over the intervening years I distanced myself from them and we have not spoken for 11 years. IF they would no accept a major defining series of events in my life, I could not and would not deal with them.

Believe it or not, this is the short version (lol)

I now find myself being distant from my 29 year old daughter (1st marriage) and have yet to see my 1 year old granddaughter. I seem to be trying to sabotage my relationship with my daughter.

Has anyone else dealt with trying to sabotage and push away children and/or grandchildren?

PS: Because of the title of my post, I feel compelled to clarify that I have never inappropriately touched anyone nor have I had the inclination to do so.


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#378050 - 12/04/11 12:52 AM Re: Relationship with our children/grandchildren [Re: PMcgoohan]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
PMcgoohan,

It is important that you know, you are among fellow survivors. In welcoming you to this healing group, I feel your frustration as you try to connect with those you love. Yes, isolation and relationship sabotage are common in male survivors. The first time we disclose, we are ready to be rejected and destroyed. There is a wonderful article click here about what disclosure can mean to a survivor and when he might be ready to undergo such a situation.

Through recovery a survivor will learn that the events in the past are just that, in the past. We do not need to argue about the past, just disclose it and let those who will, support you, and those who will not, let them be. You have chosen this route, and this is beneficial to you.

Your daughter, the one you wish to be close to, especially for the grandkids, may be tumultuous due to the relationship with your ex-wife. However, this statement "I now find myself being distant", tells much about how you feel in assessing the feasibility of connecting with your daughter and grandchild. I too have distanced myself from family when their reaction was less than supportive. Did they know? Yep, did they come to support and encourage recovery? Nope, so be it. I moved 900 miles away, did not leave a forwarding address and changed my phone number. I did however leave my son, 18, in that state 900 miles away. So I text him tidbits of news and stuff I find, and I call him to remind him that I love him, and I listen as he twists his way through working and living with relatives. He and I have a bi monthly conversation.

You and your daughter, what kind of relationship is there currently? Can you build on common ground? Is there taboo topics to stay away from? If it is the abuse feelings of distrust, these need to be recovered through a healing process. We may expect those around us to hurt us, or not protect us, and then we go about testing them, and when they fail, it reinforces our perspective that they are minimally negligent and possibly abusers. It can be a hyper vigilant delusion, one that needs to be brought out, and mature realization be directed at it, so that you can feel the healing peace that leads to being comfortable around those you wish to connect with.

Good news, recovery is about reconnecting, and you are on that path. I encourage you to keep posting, keep talking, keep searching, keep refreshing yourself, keep breathing and calming you, and keep recovering!

Again welcome,
Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#378064 - 12/04/11 04:41 AM Re: Relationship with our children/grandchildren [Re: SamV]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi PMcgoohan

Wow I am sorry about the parents and the wife. Life gets tougher, before it gets better.

I found that I was pushing away from my daughter, who is now twelve, because of the fact that I feared myself.
I could never trust myself around her, I have never never perpetrated, and never will, but the fear of possibly being able to, drove a wedge in between our relationship.

When I began to heal, I realized that I would never hurt a child and that is when I could move forward and have a more interactive life with her.

So the Myths and the world view most definitely had an impact on my life.

I would start by slowly developing a relationship with your daughter. A short note or mail, how are you, how is the Grand daughter. But be consistent, don't send a mail today and nothing for a month. Start with one once a week, then twice a week, then send the odd present for the granddaughter, and perhaps a bunch of flowers for your daughter. Then call and invite them to a dinner out,(neutral ground) go to a child friendly restaurant.

Build things up slowly, remember that your daughter has had 29 to build up a resentment towards you, it cant be undone in a week.

Try and rope in the Ex wife to assist,if you have a good relationship with her.

Patience and persistence, love and care, will get you there.

OH BTW welcome to the site.

Heal well
Martin

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Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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