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#377890 - 12/03/11 09:42 AM unusual holiday
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
What a holiday?! This is an unusual year. My abusers include my mom, a man she dated, an uncle, and a male cousin.

I have intense mixed feelings of deep sadness (missing her (my mom) - we have not spoken in nearly 2 years) and deep anger). I need to be rid of these feelings.

How to be rid of these of feelings and NOT stuff the feelings?

Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#377914 - 12/03/11 10:39 AM Re: unusual holiday [Re: Avery46]
blindpet Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 57
Loc: DK and UK, Europe
Avery,

First of all sorry that horrible stuff happened to you.

I have had several bouts of speaking vs not speaking to my mom (currently I do not speak to her and do not plan to until she is emotionally mature and ready to have an adult conversation with me). I get what you say about it being complicated too. On the one hand she's my mom and I crave her approval and love, on the other hand she is a miserable person who never gave me anything emotional and swatted my reaching hand every time I tried to have a proper relationship with her.

Do not stuff the feelings! When you are angry at her, picture her and do something to get it out (beat a pillow, smash fruit, anything that doesn't harm yourself). When you miss her, remind yourself that you can give yourself the positive (I assume) things your mom used to give to you. (I'm assuming you miss the good things she did for you, forgive me if I'm completely off base here).

It's a tricky one but you are not alone in having mixed feelings towards a loved one. The only way to be rid of the feelings is to get them out in a healthy way. Crying is a great way to get out missing your mom, I believe it's normal for your inner-child to miss his mom.

-Mike

_________________________
I didn't fuck it up, but I will unfuck it up. All MS members: Let's all unfuck it up!
It does get better because I will make it better, together we can make it better.

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#377953 - 12/03/11 01:09 PM Re: unusual holiday [Re: blindpet]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1401
Loc: California
Hi Avery,

Your post made me realize something. I'm dealing with a similar issue, having these mixed up feelings about my mom. And feeling bad about myself as a result... how do I get rid of these?

I've been focusing intensely on the concept of "keeping my side of the street clean". This has translated into - being completely and totally responsible for my own behaviors, and allowing everyone else completely and totally responsible for their own behavior.

I can't change anyone else's behavior. Many people don't take responsibility for their behavior (like our mothers). That is theirs to deal with. Our shit is ours to deal with, and that is what we focus on.

In doing this work, I'm uncovering some core values that I've apparently been walking around with my entire life. Values that I admire about myself. I value honesty. I value kindness. I value forgiveness. I value compassion. I value strong boundaries. I value taking responsibility.

In thinking these things about myself, I can hold myself in a new light. In relationship to my mom, I can value who I decide to be, and remain consistent. While in this space, I can also feel sad that my mom and I can't relate. But this is not my responsibility to fix. It's her loss. She has no idea who's she lost (me).

As long as I stay true to myself, and keep digging away to find the real me, the more I will be in touch with myself, my core values, and the better I will feel about myself, and my relationships (good and bad) with other people.

Thanks for asking this question, Avery. It has given me great insight!

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#377975 - 12/03/11 04:21 PM Re: unusual holiday [Re: Magellan]
atari_kid86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/23/10
Posts: 124
Loc: Michigan
Magellan, you're absolutely right.

Because of the deep issues surrounding the CSA and those who didn't protect me, I have learned, too, that the only way to be comfortable with myself is to live a life of honesty, integrity, compassion and personal responsibility.

You can't change the behavior of others. I've tried for years but to not avail. One by one I've been cutting these toxic people out of my life entirely, or keeping them at a safe distance.

I too have an issue with my mother. A little over a year ago I confronted her about the abuse which was at the hands of her husband. The reaction I got was devastating.

Now I realize that she doesn't value our relationship enough to have an open, honest, raw conversation about this. We speak sparsely now.

It saddens me that I don't feel like I have a mother now. But, when I feel that way, I ask myself if I ever really did.

I spoke my peace with her. I don't lose sleep over her anymore.


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