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#378319 - 12/05/11 06:25 PM Re: Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Survivors, can I get a little input on the last question in my post before last, as well as the ones in the first paragraph above? I'm workding my letter to read to him and want to make sure I'm not being assumptive/arrogant/accusatory. My goal is to be direct, loving and still state boundaries which are deal-breakers separate from those that are not, with clarity about both.

Thanks in advance!


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#378405 - 12/06/11 08:23 AM Re: Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
No response? Awesome.

I talked with him. he raged at me, with plenty of "You're crazy to want to discuss something you ACCUSE me of doing months ago" and plenty of "fuck you."

I know what I saw back then. I know what I heard last night (I'm not faultless, I let him verbally have it after the 7th or 8th FU from him). if he wants to get better? great. He'll have to do it without me; he screamed at me to "pack your s*it and get out", so this time I will. I've had enough.

Thank you all for your help It's too painful to be here. I will stay safe as I transition elsewhere.


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#378407 - 12/06/11 08:35 AM Re: Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls [Re: Airmid]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
So sorry Airmid. I wish I had answers but I don't. Truth be told, even your partner may not have the answer . Do what you have to do and don't feel bad about it. You did the best you could.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#378409 - 12/06/11 08:49 AM Re: Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls [Re: GoodHope]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 698
Loc: NJ
Airmid - leaving will force him to hit bottom and for some people, this is a requirement in order to become motivated.


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#378412 - 12/06/11 09:46 AM Re: Internet and Privacy-*triggers* Survivor input pls [Re: Esposa]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Airmid, on the subject of understanding sexual acting out through identifying commonalities in alcohol dependency, I would begin with it is a coping mechanism, dissociating a trauma. In this, any dependency be it alcohol, gambling, porn, cruising and collecting toasters will serve in the same capacity, trying to keep the abuse shame out of the public light, and also out of his cognitive function, his conscious.

Alcohol seems to have been discarded as a way to accomplish this, and as with almost any focal process, what is abundant is general and as it begins to be filtered, it becomes that much more intense, like sunlight through a magnifying glass. He may have utilized many such mechanisms in his life, an abundance beginning shortly after the abuse, and now, he has worked to filter and focus this dissociation to the abuse itself. He may now only have a few, or even one coping mech between him and discovery, processing and breakthrough. This "last" mechanism will be intense, overwhelming and demand an impulsive reaction. If that sounds familiar, it may be that it most accurately reflects the abuse itself. Different from other coping releases, the survivor has nothing else to "transfer" to, so he needs to now confront his memories, mature his hurt and protect himself as he heals. AA meetings can support this as well, using some of the lessons learned can lead to epiphanies into abuse recovery.

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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