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#377925 - 12/03/11 10:58 AM I don't want a divorce--she does
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 627
I thought about posting this in F&F, but......it seemed apparent I'd be doing with them exactly what I do with my wife. It comes out both verbally and nonverbally like "I'm scared of this and that......would you protect me, guide me, show me the SAFEST route?"

My short history: No father, abused by male sib, sought Mom's attention but she's a dusk to dawn alcoholic, and old traumas of toddler age have surfaced too. That's my short story.

I'm feeling ashamed of writing this. I've carried the lie that men didn't have needs, so posting this borders on feeling incompetent, powerless, unmasculine, and.....possibly fruitless.

I'm writing this because.......I've been out of my own home since July. I'd done DIY self-help techniques to handle emotional pain, but I haven't touched the root. I had hoped finding the root would help me........but I didn't find it. I sincerely hoped I'D GET BETTER SO SHE WOULD WANT ME.


Then she got in recovery. I've been in in my whole marriage and many years before, but she suddenly discovered she was MAD!!! So.........................

In all her sound thinking, she said she wanted a divorce after the new year. I DON'T WANT THIS.

She can't fix me, but leaving will bring on more pain than she has imagination for. For me, for our 7 year old daughter, for her.

Her history: alcoholic dad who was divorced by her mom, very codependent mom who married another man she blatantly DISRESPECTS
. She moved in with a guy in her teens who sexually abused her up until she left.

I feel powerless. I used to read all the marriage books. Not her. Relationship books abound in my house. She just separated, with my passive permission, and now she wants out.

This hurts. It also hurts bad enough I'm not sure I'll return to post about this again. (I OFTEN DO THAT........anyone else do that?) I do receive replies in my email since it's a Watched Topic, I read them and think about them.


Alfred


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#377930 - 12/03/11 11:15 AM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
Sounds like she's following her own cycle of abusive history... when things get tough... run.... Just my two cents on her side of things, but obviously I don't know the whole story.

The possibility for you two to have an amazing level of understanding and support seems huge to me, but of course it isn't easy.

I'm sorry she wants out. It takes two who want to make it work unfortunately. I have several other fellows I talk to who are in similar places right now, they want to do everything they can to save the marriage, but their wives are running away as fast as they can.

Men do have needs, so no shame on reaching out. Those old myths and lies are what keep most men in America isolated and alone. I don't believe it was ever meant to be that way.

Keep doing your best to talk to her and communicate with her and try your best to listen to what she's REALLY saying. My experience has taught me that what my wife is usually yelling about isn't really what she is upset about.


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#377938 - 12/03/11 11:29 AM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: JustScott]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 627
I'm not even sure what to do. Avoiding her means avoiding a memory of abandonment. And she emotionally checks out when I'm around....I do too though. My walls go high.

I'm back since I got Scott's post through email. My wife invited me this morning, after dropping by to see what furniture I wanted from the house (?????????). She told me "if I wanted, they were decorating the outside of the house". First internal response--GO AWAY!!!.

I'm trying to figure something out. The last time I was over for inside decorating, about a month ago, I was completely ignored by her. It felt like ice picks. But...she's "forgiven me". Keep that blatant lie---talk to me when you know what you're saying. But......she wants me back over..????????? Doesn't make sense. CONFUSING!!!


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#377944 - 12/03/11 12:10 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
she's confused too, if this is really the first time she's dealing with her stuff.

If you can, pursue her, in the sense of, make the hard choice to be around her. Show her through action that you don't want a divorce. You guys being apart since July has probably triggered some feelings of abandonment too.

The danger when we're hurt is to take all that pain out on those we're closest to. So be conscious of triggers and what not, even though she may not be able to see it herself yet.

I gotta jet, got fighting kids to take care of! I'll check in later!


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#377945 - 12/03/11 12:12 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 627
I texted her. I said,

"I'm completely confused. Last month you invited me over, but it was stone cold quiet when I was around. Why do you want me over now?"

She replied a short, "more for (our daughter)"

I sat to process my reactions. I don't normally shoot off the first thing I'm feeling. I wrote back,

"I'd want to see you though. Being blatantly ignored by you is very triggering to me. I'll try and avoid those experiences."

She wrote back simply, "Understood"

"Winning", or my definition of it, is actually losing here. I want understanding, clear boundaries, and respect. I so need the respect part--the ignoring me screamed disrespect in front of my daughter---NOT a good lesson.

She needs love though. I've got Emerson Eggerichs' book "Love and Respect", and it shows stuff I feel absolutely clueless about---loving a woman. I just feel like a failure around her though. Before being booted from the house, I held so some belief she'd love or respect me someday. What do I do?


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#377946 - 12/03/11 12:18 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 627
(I wish I were perfect. I wish I were perfect) going through my head. Scott's advice is sound. I texted her asking if I may still come over. She said yes.

Yes, this feels painful. Going now.


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#377947 - 12/03/11 12:27 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Alfred,

I feel for you. This reminds me of the stuff I went through years ago. Lots of genuine good feelings sent your way.

Remember at every turn "your a good person". This is going to be difficult knowing our histories. I have had a hard time with it. When feeling the abandonment, or the insecurities, or any of the confusion - take several deep breaths and tell yourself your a good person before you "speak". This may be hard to do but, do NOT take her inventory. Tell her good things.

The little boy in you will need the respect that only you can give him.

I am here for you. Take it easy on yourself.



Edited by Avery46 (12/03/11 12:39 PM)
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#377959 - 12/03/11 01:43 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 838
Loc: Kc,Mo
permission to speak freely , i no that this is not the spirituality forum but it have some stuff on my heart. I would just message you privately but i also feel someone could benefit from this also. your call man i will message you privately if you also to keep it private .

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#377960 - 12/03/11 02:28 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: nltsaved]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 627
PM me nlt

Alfred


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#377964 - 12/03/11 03:41 PM Re: I don't want a divorce--she does [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 627
Ok, I went. No drama really. I was a little tense originally, but I paid attention to both my internal reactions, and what she was "saying" (thank you Scott). Two things very much worth noting happened.

The first: I had an old feeling show up about 20 minutes in, an old childlike fear of abandonment, and it's roots go way back to my early childhood. This is a very core issue in my life, I remember the incident clearly, and I've sought out T to address this specifically. I haven't healed that one yet, and it soooooooooo affects us/me when I'm around her. In other words, I feel and act very young when in touch with these feelings if any door is opened to that part of me. (BTW, I posted right here about a year of so ago when I felt like I was six. I'd been doing EFT and felt safe to open up to her). But neither of us were in a place today for that kind of talk. We just put up Christmas decorations.

Secondly, I dared saying....I wanted to meet with her regularly, with someone (unknown T so far), to talk about us. She reacted "what are your expectations? (a common response from her). I said "I'm not sure. I know I have some very unrealistic expectations of you, it's not fair, but I want that to be out on the table". She said "Ok". Nothing more. But I shared what I wanted. We've talked about our daughter, monies owed for bills since she's done bills our whole marriage, but nothing more relationally. Absolutely nothing right now. I know she's vulnerable, and I told her about a month ago I had no deadlines for her. I don't.

Now..............God help me. What is my next step?

Prayer first. Then asking T's and counselors I know. Hmmmmm. Those are my thoughts.

Am I missing something?

Alfred


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