Hi Innocence Lost
Two things: one an opinion; the other an idea
Justice. A bit of mental spin for you - how I have had to deal with things. If justice were available to us then the bad stuff would never happened. It is by definition unjust for us to have been abused whilst boys. The best that we can hope for now is 'law - legal redress' not justice. This is important to me because it means that my recovery is not dependent on him being convicted. In fact the perpetrator who abused me died before I was ready to face the reality of his actions and have him brought before the courts.
When I was eventually ready to make a report to the police, I was told that I would need to particularise each event of abuse. That meant that I had to tell when the events occured. I was told that it would not be enough to say that I was raped between the ages of 9 and 12.
I had no diaries. I hadn't disclosed to my unsupportive biological family so couldn't ask for help there. Instead I listened to Phil Colins singing "I cannot turn back the years" and asked the little boy within me to release to me some of the precious memories that he had locked away so that they wouldn't get lost.
Within a few minutes I was able to lock down 5 separate episodes. One to an exact day and the others to within a couple of weeks. Good enough for the police to start the investigation that eventually let me know the guy was dead - and I was able to get a copy of his death certificate. That was a massive release because he no longer had any anonimity - for years I only knew his first name. Getting confirmation of his surname from the police and a letter saying that they had enough informaion to proceed if he had been alive - well that was huge.
I've had to change my attitude quite a bit. Now I no longer seek 'justice' for myself (although I have applied for Victim of Crime Compensation) or to ensure that he's no longer in a position to do the same things to other boys. Instead, I am working to make it that what he did to me is no longer relevent for my future. I am working on getting rid of the long-term effects that his actions have had on me.
It's tuff and a slow process - and still I go back and spend time with the little boy within. A few days ago we spent a great couple of hours colouring in a picture from a Christmas book I found recently.
When I told a survivor buddy friend of mine about talking with the little boy within, he went off and tried it. The following day he came bouncing up to me and gave me a huge hug because Little Billy reminded the adult him that he kept a journal as a boy and still had it. Sure enough, he found it in a box in the shed and that has now become a major exhibit that helped bring to court the guy who violated him.
I don't know if either of these will be of any use to you - but I hope so.
Endure and Prevail
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.