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#377877 - 12/03/11 08:41 AM Better Than Me
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Maybe he needs better than what I can give him?
Maybe he has hurt me too much for me to be able to give him what he needs as he begins the process of recovery?
Maybe loving him and being willing to walk through fire with him is not enough... maybe my pain makes his guilt and shame unbearable?

I do not judge him.
I love him.
I am proud of him.
I am scared for him.
I support him.

But I am also hurt, hurt by him and his actions. And he is in NO PLACE or CONDITION to comfort me.

Maybe he needs better than me.



Edited by Esposa (12/03/11 08:42 AM)

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#377887 - 12/03/11 09:27 AM Re: Better Than Me [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Esposa

Going through a rough time. I am so sorry.
Your H has no better than you, you are the best person for him right now. He is scared and hurting, afraid of the unknown. He is just lashing out at you, odd because all you want is the best for him.
I know that it is hard to believe, but he is not lashing out at you, DON'T take it personally. I know that saying this is hard to understand.

Imagine if someone where possessed by a demon of sorts, they would do things that hurt people, but it is not them, just their possessed bodies. Well this is how your husband is feeling at the moment, he is doing things he doesnt want to do, but cant really control himself. Trust me he is hurting as much as you are.

I feel for you
Stay strong, and look after yourself, you will know if it is time to leave, your heart will tell you.

God speed
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377891 - 12/03/11 09:45 AM Re: Better Than Me [Re: whome]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Whome, I also needed to see that. Thank you.

Esposa, I alternate between "he needs better/more" and "he can just have his life as he wants it if he doesn't want to heal". There's not much that's more powerless than this experience and life. I can do caring things for myself all I want, but nothing replaces the stuff my guy's currently incapable of giving me. I'm scared I might run out of hope one day.


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#377897 - 12/03/11 09:55 AM Re: Better Than Me [Re: Airmid]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Airmid - I had a really rough night. He pushed every fear button I have and reduced me to a blubbering pile of crap. And then, if that wasn't enough, he freaked out and had his own nervous breakdown. He couldn't soothe me and I certainly couldn't soothe him. I hate nights like that. Why can't he just be kind to me? That's really all I need at this point to keep going... just be kind. I don't need flowers, or love notes or thoughtfulness or planning or any of that superfluous stuff at this point. Just be kind. You have trampled my life and I still stand by you and I still love you. Can't you be kind??


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#377904 - 12/03/11 10:08 AM Re: Better Than Me [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Guys Me again

I read a great post by a long time member of MS, but I especially loved his quote, and Ill try to remember it so, it went something like this
And you will realize that the guy you are with now, is way cooler than the guy you married.
This is not an exact quote, but it is the gist of it.
Once your man heals and gets through this, the above will be true.
There will be mountains to climb, and potholes on the way, but if they truly desire healing, this will come true.

My heart is with you guys, I truly feel for what you are going through. I'm a long way down my healing path, and I still have hiccups, but I know that with each hiccup it is a step closer to healing.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377906 - 12/03/11 10:10 AM Re: Better Than Me [Re: Esposa]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Those days have been the hardest here, too. They didn't change at all until he began addressing the root issue of our relationship problems (abuse) in his individual therapy. He was being so hurtful (sarcasm and criticism are his most frequent weapons in not fighting fair) one night, and I blurted out "when in the h*ll are you going to stop wasting your therapist's time and DEAl with this? You sure don't act like you're making any progress."

The. Worst. Thing. I could have said. Now he makes the effort to be more respectful, but I can see how tense he is doing that. It's not natural to him. I get that. I also know that I deserve civility (and you do too.) My therapist reminded me of a method of setting solid boundaries "in the moment" during arguments, a method that works but feels strange at first. During arguments, we're essentially arguing with our H's wounded boy within, right? So my T said that addressing boundaries has to be done at that level too. She said to state (when the rage is present was her example): I'm not for yelling at (or throwing things, or name-calling). It shuts them down a little, not out of us being in the pwoer struggle, but because it's true. We AREN'T for mis-treating. She reminded me that when/if I use that statement, to make sure it applies to how I address actions, not emotions, and not motives. So I don't get to say general things like "I'm not for treating like crap" or "I'm not for abusing". It has to be specific and to the point.

After saying that, she said I should give myself a time out and remove myself from the room/situation by telling him I need to take ___ minutes to cool off and get my own anger leveled off a little, and that if he wanted to talk without yelling/name-calling, etc., I'd be glad to talk then."

Boundaries are hard to enforce the first time, and really difficult to consistently uphold. It's worth it though: I got confidence that I could state my needs (fair treatment) and not feel like I 'have' to control him or persuade him to act appropriately. The choice in behavior falls on him as long as I maintain my own behavior. It gives me a definite point for my own accountability. it doesn't necessarily reduce the pain, but puts my feet on the ground.



Edited by Airmid (12/03/11 10:12 AM)
Edit Reason: pre-coffee spelling and to add last 2 sentences

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#377908 - 12/03/11 10:24 AM Re: Better Than Me [Re: Airmid]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Martin: may your words be my truth someday...

Airmid:
I will try to adopt this. Last night I am sure that his little boy and my little girl were fighting. I mean, he owns NO responsibility for his actions that lead to tension or fear. NONE. He skips those and goes right to blaming me. This is just like one of my children. "Pick up your sneakers. Pick up your sneakers. Pick up your sneakers. PICK UP YOUR SNEAKERS!!!!" "Mom? Why are you mad?" AHGHGHGHGHGH, I asked you nicely like 10 times. That's who my husband was last night. And my little girl has a massive fear of abandonment so guess what button his little boy likes to push? "I can't take this. I am so out of here."

It's great fun wink


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#377913 - 12/03/11 10:38 AM Re: Better Than Me [Re: Esposa]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Thye first time I used "I'm not for yelling at", he flat-out said "What do you think I am, a child?"

It took every bone in my body to not respond because in the moment, he was acting childishly and using my ptsd as the scapegoat. That was before became more willing to heal, and all I could do was walk into another room (I probably texted my AA sponsor with a diatribe about how mean he was, which generally prompts a response of "Well, go to Al-Anon then. And keep your side of the street clean!")

The more I see how pervasive is CSA, the less I think "I wish I could be a ___ and get away with it." There's no 'getting away with' once healing has begun; there's 'getting away from (the ghosts)'


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#377915 - 12/03/11 10:39 AM Re: Better Than Me [Re: Esposa]
stripeysocks Offline


Registered: 11/28/11
Posts: 43
Loc: US
Since I'm new here I don't know if this has been posted about, but have any other spouses/partners taken a look at Oprah's website? It has a big section for partners of male survivors. I'm not a huge Oprah fan and I actually stumbled upon it last night when I couldn't sleep. There's some helpful stuff there that I think I will periodically go back to.


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#377922 - 12/03/11 10:51 AM Re: Better Than Me [Re: Esposa]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1309
Loc: kansas
esposa,

sorry that you are going through that...

a lot of survivors seem to have problems in their social skills. they were never taught proper social skills. they grew up in an abusive home and abuse is all they knew. to them that is what a lot of them would see as normal every day life. that is until they get therapy for their issues and realize that what they went through isn't normal and have to learn social skills at such a late stage in life...

now, i also believe that you, or any supporter, should not be treated awful by the survivors in their lives. it's definitely a tightrope act... i can see that. on one hand you're trying to defend yourself from being hurt, and on another you're trying to be understanding and supportive... it's tough... i don't blame you for being upset at him for the treatment you have received and/or the breakdowns you might have from being confused on how to deal with the situation...

i guess it comes down to you having to take care of you first. i don't know if you have said/tried this ( i'm inclined to believe you probably have ) however, i'll make the suggestion anyway in that maybe your husband needs to be reminded of it from time to time of letting him know that you love him, that you will support him and be there for him when he needs you to be, but you will not accept being treated awful by him.

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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