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#377356 - 11/29/11 07:50 PM STD
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
I wonder how other spouses deal with this topic. If your spouse acts/has acted out, do you get tested on a regular basis? Do you ask your spouse to at least practice safer sex?

Ever since mine told me how careless about std many men he acted out with were, it freaks me out.


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#377362 - 11/29/11 09:02 PM Re: STD [Re: Shawushka]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Mine didn't use a condom in his affair and actually had the nerve to tell me the truth. And his lovely partner was a SKANK!!!! So I got tested twice in 3 months and so did he. In fact, I made him bring me the results both times. I like to think that I made an impression upon him but lets be honest, I am probably 100% deluded. I feel weird about asking him to use a condom with me because I feel like someone here needs to start trusting again - but I have to say I always think about it - and yes, he has to get tested every 3 months until I say so.


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#377660 - 12/02/11 01:26 AM Re: STD [Re: Shawushka]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
I insisted my husband be tested after learning of his infidelity with an affair partner and multiple prostitutes. I also was tested, but haven't yet gone for the follow up/6 month re-test out of sheer terror (and humiliation).

As for insisting he be tested in the future, I guess that's something to consider. Who's to say he won't cheat again? But, if I so greatly fear he will not be faithful, there's probably no marriage left to monitor anyway, huh?

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#377713 - 12/02/11 11:02 AM Re: STD [Re: herowannabe]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I feel the same as Esposa...wondering if I'm just deluded. I couldn't trust him with many things so how can I trust he was truthful about being tested? I am going to get tested again soon...I already got HPV from him (at least, the odds are that it was him though I admit I can't be sure) and I want to make sure I don't have something worse. Part of me wants to believe he wouldn't lie about it, but how can I believe a man who lied to me about other things and who treated me so badly in other ways? I don't want to be a fool.



Edited by hopeandtry (12/02/11 11:42 PM)

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#377719 - 12/02/11 12:02 PM Re: STD [Re: hopeandtry]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
I feel this way all the time - like he risked my life, what would stop him from doing it again? My marriage is not worth more than my being alive to raise my children. But the condom thing is very insulting - and I just feel like I have to take a leap of faith.

Today he told me that he wants me with him forever. That's a very major major change.


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#377725 - 12/02/11 12:40 PM Re: STD [Re: Esposa]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
We both got tested. He says he used a condom but all women performed oral in him and him oral on 2 of the 4. HPV can be passed though kissing and skin contact (thighs, etc), and HPV is the most common STD. I desperately want to demand a condom but feel powerless to ask for fear of damaging our relationship more than he already has. Every funny discharge or previously unnoticed bump sends me spiraling into a meltdown. The testing was humiliating for me. I am al
Isn't 40 years old with 3 kids. I haven't slept with a single person other than him in16 years yet my gynecologist wouldn't chat w me or even look me in the eye.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#377734 - 12/02/11 01:38 PM Re: STD [Re: GoodHope]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
My gyno was great. I was SOOOO humilated and scared and he was so kind and gentle. I could not even talk I was crying so hard. He told me that I wasn't alone and he kicked me some xanax too. He told me that relationships are worth fighting for and he also told me that I would be okay. I sat in the room next to the one where I had my ultrasound and found out that my last baby was to be a girl. My heart was broken.

I am so with you on the ANY SIGN OF ANYTHING stuff. If I have anything weird going on, I immediately collapse into a pile of self doubt and suspicion. Of course I have to internalize it because if I tell him, he will get frustrated (BLAH BLAH BLAH).


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#377794 - 12/02/11 09:09 PM Re: STD [Re: Esposa]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Hope, have you contemplated maybe seeking out another Dr.? I know it's tough and uncomfortable, but I worry that you won't get accurate care from your current doc if she/he won't even discuss it, no matter what the circumstances. You deserve informed consent, full information and reassurance in your own care.

I know this isn't lovely to hear, and I don't intend to minimize anyone's experiences at all, but please be aware of two things: 1: some STD's really can be dormant/asymptomatic for decades, and HPV is a biggie. I'm not sure (I'll check the CDC site in a bit) but I'm pretty sure the ability to test men for strains which can cause cervical cancer is just now on the horizon. The is a small chance that if you had unprotected play or intercourse with anyone prior to him, even years ago, that the cells can just now be developing enough to read abnormally on a pap. Other STI's also fall into a long latency period. Sometimes there isn't a definite way to know, unless you've been tested repeatedly in the interim (I assume you ahve and am pointing out for those who might have had more recent partners.)

2: If you ask for a standard STI panel to be done, many gyn's/clinics test only for "the big four" (chlamydia, syhphilis, gonnorrhea and trichomoniasis). HPV shows via pap, and HSVI and II, as well as hepatitis and HIV, have to be separately tested via blood draws for titers.

For me, the hardest part is the fear of the unknown, the knowledge that even more uncomfortable conversations may lie in store. Having accurate, current information about what's out there can ease things some and minimize fear a little. HTH some.


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#377796 - 12/02/11 09:10 PM Re: STD [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Oh! Here's the link for the main STI page on the CDC site.


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#377804 - 12/02/11 09:52 PM Re: STD [Re: Airmid]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
I've had paps every year since I turned 18, and very few sexual partners. I read an article a few weeks ago that corroborate what you say about a test for men on the horizon. Men are almost always asymptomatic. My doctor is a man and I wonder if that makes a difference in his bedside manner. I probably looked distraught. The whole thing was a fog. I found out about he cheating on Sunday and was at the doctor's office on Tuesday morning. I was up all day Sunday and Monday reading about STI's because I couldn't sleep.

Maybe this is God's way of giving us greater sympathy for our partners who also had no say so in their own sexual health. My husband told me a couple of weeks ago that he asked his step brother, the abuser, about the possibility of them contracting AIDS, it was just becoming a mainstream topic around that time. I don't have to imagine that horror, I'm living it.

I became celibate for religious reasons, but I enjoyed the respite from worrying about those things. I didn't know in marriage I'd have to revisit it and not even have celibacy as a viable option.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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