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#377766 - 12/02/11 05:00 PM Re: Scared [Re: Dar]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Dar
...like, my dad is a fag, he had sex with a man, did he really like it...


ok dar, i believe i'm in the fringe gay group who understand what you mean and take no offense to folks lumping the gay community with pedophiles either. i did as well. and i blame gays, collectively, for perpetuating that myth... no one else.

but i'm going to ask you a question: would you enjoy and or be satisfied in a mutual, truly caring, love making experience with a man?

now, before you answer, that is not a trick question nor is it intended to put a label on the experience. and i don't ask for you to post a public response either, but instead it is rhetorical and part of the self evaluation process, in my view.

from within then, answering that question, would there still be need to fear or be scared? or is the fear simply about repeating the crime? in my experience the answer is no to both. when i accepted my past, it was very clear i'd never perpetrate molestation on anyone. "having sex with a man" wasn't an issue either, because it was not about abuse, but rather just old reruns. my fears subsided entirely. on one hand, being open about the past defined for me who true friends/family were in my circle (in short, if you can't accept you are crossed off my list and no loss to me) and on another hand i came to terms with my adult sexuality as a surviving male (which is far more complicated than our society admits, accepts, or cares to know).

_________________________
Jeff

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#377773 - 12/02/11 05:35 PM Re: Scared [Re: westchesterguy]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Westchesterguy
I dont have a problem answering your question, I often wondered when all of my CSA was going if I was gay. But I never was attracted to another man other than just wanting to be like someone that I admired. Never about sex, made me want to puke and still does. Sorry if that hurts anyones feelings.

As I read the many posts here quite a few of us have had the same thoughts and it would seem quite normal to think that about ones self after all the things that happened to us.

I still have a long way to go in this process but I will get there.

Thank you for your comment.

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#377775 - 12/02/11 05:50 PM Re: Scared [Re: Dar]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Dar
.... I never was attracted to another man other than just wanting to be like someone that I admired....


totally relate to that quote dar. and in my humble view, maybe that is what all men seek. (?) it is a much larger and complicated cultural issue, but at the heart of it i think men are just not permitted to have desire, want, needs, or an intimate friend other than a female. it is indeed a scary place to be when we are enlightened through therapy or tragedy, and shot down by the world around us for attempting to understand how we fit.

i trust you will get through the process. smile

_________________________
Jeff

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#377834 - 12/03/11 12:08 AM Re: Scared [Re: westchesterguy]
StringsAttached Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 59
Dar, When the reality of my abuse hit me (I was 47 at the time) my kids saw me crying. Not weeping... shoulder shaking tears flowing crying. Wicked mean sobbing. Out of the blue and for no apparent reason. My kids are aged from teens to twenties.

I pulled them aside and told them that something very very bad had happened to me as a child and that I was just remembering it. I think the older kids could figure it out and the younger ones maybe, maybe not.

But my older son later pulled me aside and just said "Sorry about whatever happened and whatever you need from me, you've got."

He never brought it up again and the other kids didn't ask.

My wife knows most of the details but I don't think I am going to tell the kids. I don't think that they will benefit from knowing the gory details.

_________________________
-StringsAttached

Survive, then thrive



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#377875 - 12/03/11 08:22 AM Re: Scared [Re: StringsAttached]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
StringsAttached,
Your story is one of the things that bother me about even bringing up the CSA to my family. If I dont tell them the truth (without all the details of course) their minds will wander and think of all kinds of stuff that may have happened to me. And I dont want them feeling one bit sorry for me and having to watch every word they say to it doesnt hurt my feelings, blah blah blah.
The one I dont want to do is keep hiding my dirty little secrect that I have held in my mind for so many years.

Please keep the thoughts coming as I still dont know what is the right thing to do.
Thanks Everyone

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#377972 - 12/03/11 04:10 PM Re: Scared [Re: Dar]
StringsAttached Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 59
Dar,

I guess you can unbottle the thoughts and emotions with a therapist. Then, your family can see a more relaxed and peaceful you and then they won't be pitying you and they won't be pondering all the possibilities of what could have made you as you are. I think most families just want their men to be well and would go along with whatever is required to get to that end.

_________________________
-StringsAttached

Survive, then thrive



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#377987 - 12/03/11 06:17 PM Re: Scared [Re: StringsAttached]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
Dear Dar, although I don't have a family of my own yet, I completely agree with what StringsAttached said about un-bottling your thoughts with say a Therapist therefore you with fell both relief from unleashing/getting out your "dirty little secret," and without having to involve your family.
Maybe this is a way to have your cake, and eat it too, so to speak.

It seems as if you just want the relief letting go of the secret, but at the same time are terrified that once you do (with your family) that they will run the gamut in thinking about why and all the what if's that come along with it.

Maybe the best thing to do for now is to exclude you family and speak to/with a professional (Therapist, of course), to ease your mind of this burden and get advice from the Therapist as to go about informing your family, should you still want to after you have informed him/her about what had/has happened to you.

I have been following this thread and was waiting to hear some good info for one day I will be in the same position as you are now, but, and it is no body's fault, but it sorta got off topic, unfortunately for you for receiving concise info on how to deal with such a situation.

Again this is just my humble opinion, but just to reiterate: I really like what StringsAttached said about first speaking to a Therapist about all of this.

Just a fellow survivor's 2 cents (please just take it for what it's worth),
Logan

P.S. Good Luck, Dar, with figuring this out and please let us (me) know what you decide to do and how it turns out (as again, I don't yet have a family, but it is my dream to have one of my own and I'm sure to face the same conundrum/predicament that you face right now).

Here at MS, it is all collective knowledge, and I do try to contribute when I can.
Thank you for your Post, Dar.



Edited by Logan (12/03/11 06:17 PM)
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#377992 - 12/03/11 06:26 PM Re: Scared [Re: Dar]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I can relate. I never told anyone in my family. I am glad your wife is supportive.

When I told my "mom" who was there she denied it happened. I freaked out and hung up the phone on her. This was nearly 2 years ago. I am so "scared" to call her again or any family members for that matter.

Quote:
...my dirty little secrect


I am glad your wrote about the fear and the dirty little secrect.

Avery



Edited by Avery46 (12/03/11 06:33 PM)
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#378026 - 12/03/11 11:12 PM Re: Scared [Re: Avery46]
StringsAttached Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 59
I have been calling it my DDS... deep dark secret

_________________________
-StringsAttached

Survive, then thrive



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#378078 - 12/04/11 09:57 AM Re: Scared [Re: StringsAttached]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
All of you on here are nothing short of amazing to me.
It takes guts and strength to even talk about CSA. You are all my HERO's.
With out any of you here, I would still be in hiding and going nuts. So Thanks You one and all.

We all have to make life altering deceisions now that we can finally speak about it (even if it is only on here)and with the vast amounts of information that we have here it does make our decesions easier. Yet still very hard to say to an outsider that has never been abused. WHY, because they haven't been in our shoes and an outsider (we are the inside group by the way, IMHO) just doesnt understand why we wouldn't have screamed out when this happened to us.
WELL, Better late than never!
I still dont know how or if I will tell my children but, I beleive that from what I am reading a Therapist would be able to help me along the way. Although they too have never stepped in our shoes, a therapist does understand the "normal persons thinking" better than I do at this time. I am not a normal person right now with normal and rational adult thoughts.

Avery, I am very sorry for the way your mother acted towards you, THAT is not the way a normal mother would act towards their child. We are, no matter how oid, still their child and it hurts us to the core when our parents turn their backs on us. That would Effing suck beyound beleif. Maybe try writing her a letter and lay it all out on the table for her to see again. Just a thought, but a least you can get it off your chest. If she does nothing then thats on her, not you my friend. you are trying and that is all that matters.

Thanks everyone and I will let you all know how my delemia turns out.
God Bless

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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