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#377723 - 12/02/11 12:36 PM Why is therapy essential?
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
I think my husband is scared to go to therapy. I think he is scared to talk about all of this. Rightfully so I imagine. So tell me survivors, why is therapy essential? What does it do that one can't do alone? (I am not questioning IF therapy is essential) I am just wondering if you have some words of encouragement about how to get over the fear hump and commit?


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#377741 - 12/02/11 02:27 PM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: Esposa]
George E. Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 48
Loc: Kent, Washington
Recovering from sexual abuse is something that, in my experience, you can't do on your own. You need a support network, and professional help to understand what happened when you had no control of your life, and were at the mercy of adults that were supposed to protect and take care of you.
Therapy allows you to verbalize, confront and resolve the issues relating to your abuse, in a non-judgemental, very supportive environment.


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#377744 - 12/02/11 02:32 PM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: George E.]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Thank you George.


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#377866 - 12/03/11 04:54 AM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: Esposa]
JaapVisser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 57
Loc: The Netherlands
Therapy after csa is something for me as going to the hospital after you broke your leg multiple times. Simply not something you are able to fix yourself or without professional help. Of course you can ignore the fact and don't go to the hospital, try to put all the bones more or less correct, but you will be half or fully cripple the rest of your life. Same with the fact if you don't go to therapy after csa. You will be suffering heavy damage throughout your whole life and which will have big impact on your own life and on the lives of the ones surrounding you.
Csa has such a big impact on ones life on so many levels (both physical as mental), causing all kinds of psychological traumas and side effects which HAVE to be threaten.

It can feel as failure to seek help for it, but as soon as I understood that it is the same as going to the hospital for a broken leg, it put away a bit the hesitation to go.
If you seek professional help for csa, you are not weak, not bad, not "half a men". No, you do the right thing which you would also do if you where sick, dying or broke a leg.




Edited by JaapVisser (12/03/11 05:00 AM)
_________________________
Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.

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#377870 - 12/03/11 06:10 AM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: JaapVisser]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Esposa

My view is slightly different.
In good ole SA (that's the country) we don't have the resources that you have in the U.S. so I have had to go it alone.

It has been a really hard trip, many bumps in the road and lots of screaming and wailing, but yes it can be done.

In the AA we say that if someone has an "Honest desire to stop drinking". Well I suppose that it is the same with CSA. If your husband has an honest desire to get well, then it is possible.
There is nothing saying that when he begins the journey he might get to a point where he decides that he wants to see a T, but I suppose the critical point here is that HE MUST WANT TO HEAL. If he doesn't want to heal then there is no point to any of this.

I don't seem to be making sense, even to myself, so bear with me. If your husband acknowledges that CSA has had a great impact on his life, and wants to heal because he wants it and not because you are forcing him, then all things are possible.
There, that makes sense now.

So get all the books and try to get him on-line here, and he can heal.
Remember, for me talking about the CSA with family and friends was very very important, if he doesn't want to talk about it, well then the demons stay inside and the war continues.

Heal well ESPOSA
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377873 - 12/03/11 08:00 AM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: whome]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Hey Martin. Yeah, I have kind of left the whole thing alone but he is now acknowledging that he needs to "get better" as he says. He says he is afraid to tell someone all his "shit" - and I get that. But it can also feel pretty good to download some of the weight. I am staying out of it and watching the evolution. His rage is getting worse and worse and he actually scared me last night. We have lost 3 iphones, a car windshield and a number of other small items in the past few months - I think he realizes that he needs to face this.


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#377900 - 12/03/11 09:57 AM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Esposa
They always say that there is the quite before the storm, then the storm and then again the still after.

You are in the storm right now, and it is building to breaking point.
Remember that If he lays a hand on you, you leave. You have taken a lot of S%$@ but that is the one thing that you WILL NOT ENDURE.

Dont let him break that one rule. Please.

Keep safe
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377920 - 12/03/11 10:50 AM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: whome]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Martin - he has never ever touched me. In fact, I am surprised that he didn't last night. But he surely scared me. The thing is, how is hitting me different than slicing me with words? Going right to the painful painful raw place inside of me and ripping it to shreds?


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#377981 - 12/03/11 04:58 PM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Esposa

A survivor will verbally abuse, but never physically. It has to do with the hurt that we endured as children, and the decision to never inflict that hurt (physical) on someone we love.
When the survivor starts hitting his loved ones, he has crossed a line to a different level, and that is when you must leave.

I know that the words hurt, but as I said in a previous post, it is like he is possessed and not in control of his own body.
Trust me he doesn't want to be doing this, it hurts him as much as it hurts you.

I told my wife the other day, I know what I hate in a man, the things he does that I cannot abide, I truly hate men that do these things, and the worst is, that I had to wake up and look at that man every morning.

There are things greater than ourselves, things we cannot control, until we decide to heal.

Look after yourself
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377999 - 12/03/11 08:55 PM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: whome]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Martin - what if he is just mean? He wasn't for 16 years... but what if he just is now? How would I know the difference....


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#378007 - 12/03/11 09:48 PM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: Esposa]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Esposa,

It is vital that you set limits with your husband. He was traumatized when he was abused and now the demons are starting to want to get out after years of being supressed. The first time for me was about 20 years after the fact. I tried to do it myself with just a few sessions of threapy and 42 years after the abuse, I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression before I finally got treatment and when I told somebody (my family doctor), it was like a ton weight was taken off my shoulders.

We are the ones that have to deal with this garbage even though we had nothing to do with receiving it. We ARE and your husband as well ARE survivors and need a support network of some kind for when we will need it, be it family, friends or some other type of support.

You have to look after yourself both mentally and physically in order to be able to help him. Unfortunately, that means if he crosses the line and hits you, he has to leave even if you have to get help to get him out. Your safety must come FIRST.

If he insists on not going for therapy, try telling him you are willing to go with him and tell the therapist the stuff he is unable to talk about right now. It will be vital that he has a therapist he is comfortable with and trusts who is experienced and trained in CSA. One or both of you should interview the selected therapist to ensure he and your husband are compatible.

Good luck as you follow this very bumpy road and remember you can get through this together.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#378032 - 12/03/11 11:42 PM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: Esposa]
Taurus Offline


Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 13
Esposa, as a wife I can totally relate to you. My husband was the kindest, gentlest man I've ever known until January of this year. Then he started saying strange things and seemed so angry at me. He couldn't stand anything I said or did. I hung in there until August when he was put on anti-depressants and they made him like a total stranger. I had to leave because I feared for my safety. Then, I still couldn't deal with him for about 3 months after I left. He would be so angry and hang up the phone on me. He NEVER would have done anything like that in the past.

He finally disclosed the day I was at our home with the moving truck moving my things out. I wish he had told me sooner. Now, he says therapy is not an option. I'm in the same boat as you. And he did have the rage too. He never physically abused me, but he punched 2 holes in our walls and swept things off the table or counter in shear anger over the 3 years we were living together. He was verbally abusive as well.

I also just wish I could get him to go to thearpy. At this point, I think our marriage is over because of his refusal.

So, I too, am looking for the answers to convince him to go to therapy.


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#378053 - 12/04/11 01:26 AM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: Taurus]
George E. Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 48
Loc: Kent, Washington
In my personal opinion there are no answers to convince anyone to get therapy. It is something that the person needs to decide on their own, to realize that they do need the help.
I am not saying not to suggest or maybe prod the person, or draw the line.
I had been married for about 3 years, when I started experiencing sudden mood swings, fits of rage, frustration with the smallest things, etc.
When my wife first suggested that I get professional help, I was besides myself. When growing up, (no resources in my country of origin)only crazy people went to the shrink. culturally, it was a no go for me.
But as the episodes got more frequent and intense, she kept suggesting that a professional would help sort things out for me.
At the time we attended church together, and she asked me to talk to the Pastor together. We did, and he suggested that we get some marriage counseling, and suggested a person.
I went along with that, and from there I was referred to a very good Psychotherapist, that treated me for several years, and thanks to whom I am the person I am today.
We will be married for 29 years this coming May, if it worked for me, it will work for others.


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