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#377723 - 12/02/11 12:36 PM Why is therapy essential?
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 698
Loc: NJ
I think my husband is scared to go to therapy. I think he is scared to talk about all of this. Rightfully so I imagine. So tell me survivors, why is therapy essential? What does it do that one can't do alone? (I am not questioning IF therapy is essential) I am just wondering if you have some words of encouragement about how to get over the fear hump and commit?


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#377741 - 12/02/11 02:27 PM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: Esposa]
George E. Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 48
Loc: Kent, Washington
Recovering from sexual abuse is something that, in my experience, you can't do on your own. You need a support network, and professional help to understand what happened when you had no control of your life, and were at the mercy of adults that were supposed to protect and take care of you.
Therapy allows you to verbalize, confront and resolve the issues relating to your abuse, in a non-judgemental, very supportive environment.


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#377744 - 12/02/11 02:32 PM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: George E.]
Esposa Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 698
Loc: NJ
Thank you George.


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#377866 - 12/03/11 04:54 AM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: Esposa]
JaapVisser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 57
Loc: The Netherlands
Therapy after csa is something for me as going to the hospital after you broke your leg multiple times. Simply not something you are able to fix yourself or without professional help. Of course you can ignore the fact and don't go to the hospital, try to put all the bones more or less correct, but you will be half or fully cripple the rest of your life. Same with the fact if you don't go to therapy after csa. You will be suffering heavy damage throughout your whole life and which will have big impact on your own life and on the lives of the ones surrounding you.
Csa has such a big impact on ones life on so many levels (both physical as mental), causing all kinds of psychological traumas and side effects which HAVE to be threaten.

It can feel as failure to seek help for it, but as soon as I understood that it is the same as going to the hospital for a broken leg, it put away a bit the hesitation to go.
If you seek professional help for csa, you are not weak, not bad, not "half a men". No, you do the right thing which you would also do if you where sick, dying or broke a leg.




Edited by JaapVisser (12/03/11 05:00 AM)
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#377870 - 12/03/11 06:10 AM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: JaapVisser]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Esposa

My view is slightly different.
In good ole SA (that's the country) we don't have the resources that you have in the U.S. so I have had to go it alone.

It has been a really hard trip, many bumps in the road and lots of screaming and wailing, but yes it can be done.

In the AA we say that if someone has an "Honest desire to stop drinking". Well I suppose that it is the same with CSA. If your husband has an honest desire to get well, then it is possible.
There is nothing saying that when he begins the journey he might get to a point where he decides that he wants to see a T, but I suppose the critical point here is that HE MUST WANT TO HEAL. If he doesn't want to heal then there is no point to any of this.

I don't seem to be making sense, even to myself, so bear with me. If your husband acknowledges that CSA has had a great impact on his life, and wants to heal because he wants it and not because you are forcing him, then all things are possible.
There, that makes sense now.

So get all the books and try to get him on-line here, and he can heal.
Remember, for me talking about the CSA with family and friends was very very important, if he doesn't want to talk about it, well then the demons stay inside and the war continues.

Heal well ESPOSA
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377873 - 12/03/11 08:00 AM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: whome]
Esposa Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 698
Loc: NJ
Hey Martin. Yeah, I have kind of left the whole thing alone but he is now acknowledging that he needs to "get better" as he says. He says he is afraid to tell someone all his "shit" - and I get that. But it can also feel pretty good to download some of the weight. I am staying out of it and watching the evolution. His rage is getting worse and worse and he actually scared me last night. We have lost 3 iphones, a car windshield and a number of other small items in the past few months - I think he realizes that he needs to face this.


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#377900 - 12/03/11 09:57 AM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Esposa
They always say that there is the quite before the storm, then the storm and then again the still after.

You are in the storm right now, and it is building to breaking point.
Remember that If he lays a hand on you, you leave. You have taken a lot of S%$@ but that is the one thing that you WILL NOT ENDURE.

Dont let him break that one rule. Please.

Keep safe
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377920 - 12/03/11 10:50 AM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: whome]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 698
Loc: NJ
Martin - he has never ever touched me. In fact, I am surprised that he didn't last night. But he surely scared me. The thing is, how is hitting me different than slicing me with words? Going right to the painful painful raw place inside of me and ripping it to shreds?


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#377981 - 12/03/11 04:58 PM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Esposa

A survivor will verbally abuse, but never physically. It has to do with the hurt that we endured as children, and the decision to never inflict that hurt (physical) on someone we love.
When the survivor starts hitting his loved ones, he has crossed a line to a different level, and that is when you must leave.

I know that the words hurt, but as I said in a previous post, it is like he is possessed and not in control of his own body.
Trust me he doesn't want to be doing this, it hurts him as much as it hurts you.

I told my wife the other day, I know what I hate in a man, the things he does that I cannot abide, I truly hate men that do these things, and the worst is, that I had to wake up and look at that man every morning.

There are things greater than ourselves, things we cannot control, until we decide to heal.

Look after yourself
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377999 - 12/03/11 08:55 PM Re: Why is therapy essential? [Re: whome]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 698
Loc: NJ
Martin - what if he is just mean? He wasn't for 16 years... but what if he just is now? How would I know the difference....


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