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#377687 - 12/02/11 08:02 AM Scared
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Why am I so scared to tell my family the things that happened to me when I was younger. I know in my head that it might be better for everyone to know so they all understand why I went so nuts for a while, but I hold back with all my mite because I am afraid that everyone will look at me in a differant way.
like, my dad is a fag, he had sex with a man, did he really like it, all the bull shit thoughts that people can have. The last thing that I want is people feeling sorry for me, That would make matters even worse.
My wife is the only one that knows the whole story about my past and she is the greatest gift that God could have givin me and I almost screwed that all up when I was acting out. But by telling her the story she now has compassion to help me get thru this.
Would our children? They are all over 20 now.
Or would I be stepping into more difficult things that I dont need right now as I am still trying to get past all of the CSA.

I am sure that I am not the only one that has gone thru this and would appriciate any advise that you may have.
Thanks and God Bless

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#377695 - 12/02/11 09:10 AM Re: Scared [Re: Dar]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
I sympathize with you. For me, it was the shame of it. What I did was send an E-mail to a couple of my siblings who I was 99.9999% sure would support me with the condition that they tell nobody without telling me why and who but the final decision was mine. After that it got a lot easier, but there will always be that tiny nagging doubt that you will not be supported by them. To me, that's absolutely natural for anybody - abused or not. The rejection though will be way harder for us because of the loss of trust when we were abused.

I also have a list of gets told and when, starting with the most trustworthy in my opinion and going down to the one I trust the least being last.

Doing it this way, I have control over who gets told when and it also lets me do the positive ones first and get all the positives engrained in my brain box for when the inevitable "your foolish, they wouldn't do that" comes up hopefully much later.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#377702 - 12/02/11 10:10 AM Re: Scared [Re: Sailor John]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
You have a gift in your wife. My wife and children have reacted the way you fear you will be perceived. I hear it day in and day out. But you have a supportive wife and she can influence children to understand. When the spouse takes a role in the "bullshit thoughts" the children will be influenced. In my situation my spouse is part of perpetuating the false perception. I am learning I acted out to recreate and thought by reliving I could control the abuse and from my CSA. I have an issue and my T is working on it to get over that I had control over the CSA. I was a child. I understand logically but if I accept than I was not in control--I am afraid of how much worse I will feel and how many other memories will come back.If your spouse wants to control you and the children she would not be there for you-she would be insulting and denigrating you in front of the children for your past. She understands what you went through, sounds like a jewel and can really help in keeping your relationship with the children.



Edited by KMCINVA (12/02/11 10:15 AM)

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#377711 - 12/02/11 10:47 AM Re: Scared [Re: Sailor John]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1491
Quote:
like, my dad is a fag, he had sex with a man, did he really like it, all the bull shit thoughts that people can have.

Sorry - just have a problem with that whole line of thinking - even if it is a fear you are ascribing to others. I take it you are worried your family will think like this - in those terms? If they do, it's pretty simplistic, one-dimensional thinking that doesn't come close to any comprehensive engagement of CSA issues.

Do you harbor anger towards those who are gay? Can you see that such anger is a lie - a displaced aggression?

...previous post of yours:

Quote:
I now hate all gay people with all my heart, they are sick, as sick as any pervert can be and dont care who they hurt to get their jollys off.

Intolerance takes many forms; all derive from an abiding sense of ignorance. If you have walked the path most of us have, there is much you know and much to learn. When you speak with your family about these issues and your past, I hope you dispel the misguided notion that male-on-male CSA has as much to do with gay sex that male-on-female CSA has to do with straight sex.

If you have acquiesced at 16 to inappropriate sexual advances, you need to square that with yourself in a deeper way than invoking prejudicial platitudes. It takes a lot of work and candid introspection - and this is a wonderful venue to supplement that. My situation was similar when I was 12. In either case, we perceived ourselves to be at fault when the adults really held all the cards in a fixed game.

We are all here to share, and to help when we can. But you should be aware that there are many here who identify themselves as gay and feel targeted by these types of comments.

_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#377712 - 12/02/11 10:59 AM Re: Scared [Re: Chase Eric]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Chase Eric--

I believe like you anyone who is not a survivor and labels how one acts at is one dimensional--but unfortunately many in society do not or do not want to understand CSA. His children are important and he does not want to hurt them or make them feel awkward. The media is one dimensional on this issue. You are right the type of sex is not the issue, CSA can create confusion on identity and orientation or simply acting out to gain a sense of control over the CSA. CSA is not black and white, but as you stated more complex and inference of type of acting out does not define who you truly are--it is an effect of the CSA.



Edited by KMCINVA (12/02/11 11:03 AM)

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#377731 - 12/02/11 01:28 PM Re: Scared [Re: KMCINVA]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Chase Eric

As to my 1st posting:
Sorry if my comments appear to target one group of people, but I have only seen and been used by gay men that took full advantage of me as a child. So yes I do harbor feelings toward them right now. I hope that in the future that will change, right now I am just starting the process of recovery and am having a very difficult time with it.
I have a problem with almost any man even touching me. My famliy doctors are female by choice because I dont want a man touching my privates during examinations because I feel that they might get off on it. It's sad to think that way but I do, even tho I know in my head that it's BS.

But back to my original post on this thread, All I really want to hear is how others like me went about this and what if any ramifications there were.

As far as your comment of: "If you have acquiesced at 16 to inappropriate sexual advances" You might want to reframe from such accusations on this site as you have no idea what happened to anyone else here. Only you know what really happened to you at 12.

Thanks for the comments

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#377732 - 12/02/11 01:37 PM Re: Scared [Re: Dar]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
Hi Dar,

I identify as predominantly gay. And I welcome you to take all the time you need to heal from your wounds. I take no personal offense, because I understand.

We all deserve healing.

D

_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#377739 - 12/02/11 02:18 PM Re: Scared [Re: Magellan]
blindpet Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 57
Loc: DK and UK, Europe
Hi Dar,

It is perfectly normal to hate all gay people since you were abused by gay men. I myself was abused by a man (don't know if he was gay or not - he did claim to have girlfriends but most of his victims were men) and I hated homosexuals for most of my adolescence. Now they don't bother me nearly as much.

It's understandable you want female doctors, you simply don't trust men and in time you will. One step at a time.

If you can, try to target your hatred towards people who abuse others, in time I think you'll see their color, age, religion etc doesn't matter at all. The reason you hate those men is cause they abused you not because they were gay.

In time you will heal, get the anger and hatred out towards the abusers in a healthy way.

-Mike

_________________________
I didn't fuck it up, but I will unfuck it up. All MS members: Let's all unfuck it up!
It does get better because I will make it better, together we can make it better.

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#377742 - 12/02/11 02:28 PM Re: Scared [Re: Dar]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1491
Hi, Dar -

You are right in that I can only speak for myself. My comment of the inappropriate sexual advances was from your previous post I'm sincerely sorry if my paraphrase was seen as an accusation. It certainly was not intended to be.

You are also quite correct in that I can only share my experiences and say what I have realized for myself. The rest of this post is strictly about ME then (not in an ego-centric way) - and you can derive whatever you want from it. That said, when I read your previous posts, I recognized my earlier self and my own fears back then - regardless of how valid that resonance may actually be.

At age 12, I essentially felt that I was giving in to - and deriving pleasure from - my molester (who, by the way, went after far more girls than boys). I didn't know what gay was, had no clue about sex, and couldn't even put a name on what was happening to me. It was just dirty, secret naked stuff that I did not want to do. But he always got his way and pushed my buttons. I could never thwarted him from his aims, try as I might. I trusted him implicitly - he was older and should have known better. I crossed the border into puberty while engaged in what my therapist would later characterize as "a highly intense sexual relationship to which I had no ability to either consent or decline."

But I admit to the "gay panic" - once I learned exactly what I was lead to participate in by this "big brother" next door. I was terrified I might be gay because of what I did and enjoyed. I was convinced that because I enjoyed it, I was every bit as shameful and guilty as he ought to have been. When was older and went away to school, I remember that a friend of mine whispered - laughing - that another guy was "checking out" my butt. I was mortified, Dar. I mean I was absolutely beside myself - pissed at my own body for sending unwanted enticements. I had so much internal crap and shame and guilt from my abuser that I totally owned the problem. Imagine being angry at my own body! I guess I was pretty homophobic - it was the only fight I knew how to wage. KMCINVA was correct in saying that that is an effect of CSA. Never mind the fact that someone thought me attractive enough to cast an admiring gaze - to me it was an assault. Every defense shield went up and I essentially went to war with the only enemy I could fight - myself.

One day I realized I was afraid to take that hard look in the mirror and face who I might be. I was petrified at who I might see staring back at me. But I was determined to meet that person, end this war, and to accept him, whatever his faults. That has been the biggest grace in my recovery. But nobody could tell me that - I had to figure it out for myself. And I can't tell you or anyone else that THAT is the way. I can only share my story. And here it is.

My homophobia - I can see now from the perspective of time - was just an effort to regain control of my life - a life that as a child galloped under someone else's reins. Homophobia was ME grabbing those reins, ME steering the course that I could not admit was already forged and unchangeable. To admit that he changed my sexuality - or even tempered it to one of tolerance for gays - was just not going to happen. No way. No how.

And I thought I was fighting him. But I was only fighting myself.

I'm not fully gay or fully straight. I'm on a spectrum. I'm further along on that spectrum because of what happened to me as a child. But I'm learning that I had no control over that development. I'm learning that I can embrace who I became - even if some of who I have become was crafted in my abuser's hands - and that does NOT mean I embrace my abuser. I am learning that what happened to me wasn't a "gay thing" any more than what this same guy did to my sister was a "straight thing".

My main concern about the relationship between homophobia and CSA is that it is such a destructive lie. The stigma keeps other victims from coming forward. The news simplifies it and labels it. It kept me locked in battle with myself for years - never realizing the grace and acceptance that I really should have had.

My little soap-box moment... Ever the maverick here, I still think that the greatest source of information and hope to other victims is US. We are the ones who trudge through this sewer of dirty memories. We're the ones who lived it - and who still live with it today. Even more than the therapists and other so-called "experts" out there, we are the ones that hold the candle for others. It takes work to realize that this is not a "gay" issue. But with the tragic rates of suicide among young people who are terrified to come out, confused, or may have been abused themselves, the fact remains: when we see this as a "gay" thing, we do a disservice to ourselves and a disservice to others. I know it is perhaps easier said than done. I know that from my own experience. I cast no judgements on those who ascribe to that notion. But I hope you can understand that I cannot sit silent and allow that myth to perpetuate. It's just too poisonous.

That said, Dar, I hope you avail yourself of all the shared experiences on this board. I may be comfortable with my sexuality at long last, but I assure you that I think I am in the majority of those who have absolutely no intention or even the slightest desire to impose our desires on others. That boogy man is a red herring. I know - I chased him for years and got nowhere.

I am only reaching out in brotherhood and friendship...

_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#377762 - 12/02/11 04:12 PM Re: Scared [Re: Chase Eric]
Asmodeus Offline


Registered: 10/25/05
Posts: 112
Loc: Vestavia, Alabama, USA
Although I don't have the same reasons, I still have plenty of reasons for the fact that only three people know about what happened to me. The fact that I'm no longer friends with two of them sure as hell doesn't help. My main reason is the fact that I don't want my friends pitying me. I can't stand the thought of that happenning. It sucks so much knowing in my head that they probably wouldn't look at me any differently, but still not being able to say anything because of a feeling that they might.

_________________________
I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not fake.

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#377766 - 12/02/11 05:00 PM Re: Scared [Re: Dar]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Dar
...like, my dad is a fag, he had sex with a man, did he really like it...


ok dar, i believe i'm in the fringe gay group who understand what you mean and take no offense to folks lumping the gay community with pedophiles either. i did as well. and i blame gays, collectively, for perpetuating that myth... no one else.

but i'm going to ask you a question: would you enjoy and or be satisfied in a mutual, truly caring, love making experience with a man?

now, before you answer, that is not a trick question nor is it intended to put a label on the experience. and i don't ask for you to post a public response either, but instead it is rhetorical and part of the self evaluation process, in my view.

from within then, answering that question, would there still be need to fear or be scared? or is the fear simply about repeating the crime? in my experience the answer is no to both. when i accepted my past, it was very clear i'd never perpetrate molestation on anyone. "having sex with a man" wasn't an issue either, because it was not about abuse, but rather just old reruns. my fears subsided entirely. on one hand, being open about the past defined for me who true friends/family were in my circle (in short, if you can't accept you are crossed off my list and no loss to me) and on another hand i came to terms with my adult sexuality as a surviving male (which is far more complicated than our society admits, accepts, or cares to know).

_________________________
Jeff

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#377773 - 12/02/11 05:35 PM Re: Scared [Re: westchesterguy]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Westchesterguy
I dont have a problem answering your question, I often wondered when all of my CSA was going if I was gay. But I never was attracted to another man other than just wanting to be like someone that I admired. Never about sex, made me want to puke and still does. Sorry if that hurts anyones feelings.

As I read the many posts here quite a few of us have had the same thoughts and it would seem quite normal to think that about ones self after all the things that happened to us.

I still have a long way to go in this process but I will get there.

Thank you for your comment.

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#377775 - 12/02/11 05:50 PM Re: Scared [Re: Dar]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Dar
.... I never was attracted to another man other than just wanting to be like someone that I admired....


totally relate to that quote dar. and in my humble view, maybe that is what all men seek. (?) it is a much larger and complicated cultural issue, but at the heart of it i think men are just not permitted to have desire, want, needs, or an intimate friend other than a female. it is indeed a scary place to be when we are enlightened through therapy or tragedy, and shot down by the world around us for attempting to understand how we fit.

i trust you will get through the process. smile

_________________________
Jeff

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#377834 - 12/03/11 12:08 AM Re: Scared [Re: westchesterguy]
StringsAttached Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 59
Dar, When the reality of my abuse hit me (I was 47 at the time) my kids saw me crying. Not weeping... shoulder shaking tears flowing crying. Wicked mean sobbing. Out of the blue and for no apparent reason. My kids are aged from teens to twenties.

I pulled them aside and told them that something very very bad had happened to me as a child and that I was just remembering it. I think the older kids could figure it out and the younger ones maybe, maybe not.

But my older son later pulled me aside and just said "Sorry about whatever happened and whatever you need from me, you've got."

He never brought it up again and the other kids didn't ask.

My wife knows most of the details but I don't think I am going to tell the kids. I don't think that they will benefit from knowing the gory details.

_________________________
-StringsAttached

Survive, then thrive



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#377875 - 12/03/11 08:22 AM Re: Scared [Re: StringsAttached]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
StringsAttached,
Your story is one of the things that bother me about even bringing up the CSA to my family. If I dont tell them the truth (without all the details of course) their minds will wander and think of all kinds of stuff that may have happened to me. And I dont want them feeling one bit sorry for me and having to watch every word they say to it doesnt hurt my feelings, blah blah blah.
The one I dont want to do is keep hiding my dirty little secrect that I have held in my mind for so many years.

Please keep the thoughts coming as I still dont know what is the right thing to do.
Thanks Everyone

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#377972 - 12/03/11 04:10 PM Re: Scared [Re: Dar]
StringsAttached Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 59
Dar,

I guess you can unbottle the thoughts and emotions with a therapist. Then, your family can see a more relaxed and peaceful you and then they won't be pitying you and they won't be pondering all the possibilities of what could have made you as you are. I think most families just want their men to be well and would go along with whatever is required to get to that end.

_________________________
-StringsAttached

Survive, then thrive



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#377987 - 12/03/11 06:17 PM Re: Scared [Re: StringsAttached]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1241
Loc: NY
Dear Dar, although I don't have a family of my own yet, I completely agree with what StringsAttached said about un-bottling your thoughts with say a Therapist therefore you with fell both relief from unleashing/getting out your "dirty little secret," and without having to involve your family.
Maybe this is a way to have your cake, and eat it too, so to speak.

It seems as if you just want the relief letting go of the secret, but at the same time are terrified that once you do (with your family) that they will run the gamut in thinking about why and all the what if's that come along with it.

Maybe the best thing to do for now is to exclude you family and speak to/with a professional (Therapist, of course), to ease your mind of this burden and get advice from the Therapist as to go about informing your family, should you still want to after you have informed him/her about what had/has happened to you.

I have been following this thread and was waiting to hear some good info for one day I will be in the same position as you are now, but, and it is no body's fault, but it sorta got off topic, unfortunately for you for receiving concise info on how to deal with such a situation.

Again this is just my humble opinion, but just to reiterate: I really like what StringsAttached said about first speaking to a Therapist about all of this.

Just a fellow survivor's 2 cents (please just take it for what it's worth),
Logan

P.S. Good Luck, Dar, with figuring this out and please let us (me) know what you decide to do and how it turns out (as again, I don't yet have a family, but it is my dream to have one of my own and I'm sure to face the same conundrum/predicament that you face right now).

Here at MS, it is all collective knowledge, and I do try to contribute when I can.
Thank you for your Post, Dar.



Edited by Logan (12/03/11 06:17 PM)
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#377992 - 12/03/11 06:26 PM Re: Scared [Re: Dar]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I can relate. I never told anyone in my family. I am glad your wife is supportive.

When I told my "mom" who was there she denied it happened. I freaked out and hung up the phone on her. This was nearly 2 years ago. I am so "scared" to call her again or any family members for that matter.

Quote:
...my dirty little secrect


I am glad your wrote about the fear and the dirty little secrect.

Avery



Edited by Avery46 (12/03/11 06:33 PM)
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#378026 - 12/03/11 11:12 PM Re: Scared [Re: Avery46]
StringsAttached Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 59
I have been calling it my DDS... deep dark secret

_________________________
-StringsAttached

Survive, then thrive



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#378078 - 12/04/11 09:57 AM Re: Scared [Re: StringsAttached]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
All of you on here are nothing short of amazing to me.
It takes guts and strength to even talk about CSA. You are all my HERO's.
With out any of you here, I would still be in hiding and going nuts. So Thanks You one and all.

We all have to make life altering deceisions now that we can finally speak about it (even if it is only on here)and with the vast amounts of information that we have here it does make our decesions easier. Yet still very hard to say to an outsider that has never been abused. WHY, because they haven't been in our shoes and an outsider (we are the inside group by the way, IMHO) just doesnt understand why we wouldn't have screamed out when this happened to us.
WELL, Better late than never!
I still dont know how or if I will tell my children but, I beleive that from what I am reading a Therapist would be able to help me along the way. Although they too have never stepped in our shoes, a therapist does understand the "normal persons thinking" better than I do at this time. I am not a normal person right now with normal and rational adult thoughts.

Avery, I am very sorry for the way your mother acted towards you, THAT is not the way a normal mother would act towards their child. We are, no matter how oid, still their child and it hurts us to the core when our parents turn their backs on us. That would Effing suck beyound beleif. Maybe try writing her a letter and lay it all out on the table for her to see again. Just a thought, but a least you can get it off your chest. If she does nothing then thats on her, not you my friend. you are trying and that is all that matters.

Thanks everyone and I will let you all know how my delemia turns out.
God Bless

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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