Newest Members
Stormchaser, johnnyc717, bluebook, Roscoe, SJC
12314 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
blueturtle (46), David C (40), DavidC (40), Derdlecar (61), Hector (54)
Who's Online
1 registered (YYZGIRL), 13 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12314 Members
74 Forums
63366 Topics
443082 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#377658 - 12/02/11 01:19 AM 42 and just dealing with my abuse now!
skidad3 Offline


Registered: 08/07/11
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
I guess this is the first step in dealing with my abuse, I finally told my wife about the dark stuff from when I was young and she has supported me in more ways than I ever could have imagined.

I'm also in recovery from alcohol and drugs and kickin ass, I have three great kids and so much to be thankful for, but I struggle with the idea of never dealing with or talking about my abuse, both sexual and pyhsical for most of my youth.

How do I begin my recovery at such a later stage in my life?
and how do I talk in depth without feeling shameful or guilty to my wife?

Love to hear some healthy responses!

Cheers!


Top
#377659 - 12/02/11 01:24 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: skidad3]
George E. Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 48
Loc: Kent, Washington
It's never too late to get some positive recovery from your wounds. And don't dwell in the lost time, look to the future, when you will be able to feel better about yourself, and to contribute more positively to the well being of your family, which, besides your own healing, should be a good motivation to overcome all the obstacles you had in the past.


Top
#377662 - 12/02/11 01:28 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: George E.]
skidad3 Offline


Registered: 08/07/11
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
I spent lots of time in recovery from booze and drugs and this was the only issue I always kept on the shelf, it feels really healthy to have started my healing, thanks for the wisdom!


Top
#377665 - 12/02/11 01:40 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: skidad3]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1401
Loc: California
I started at age 39.

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#377668 - 12/02/11 01:46 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: Magellan]
George E. Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 48
Loc: Kent, Washington
I was in my mid 30's when i started the process of recovery. Twenty some years latter, I can testify that a fair amount is within reach, if you want it, and work to achieve it.


Top
#377670 - 12/02/11 01:55 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: Magellan]
skidad3 Offline


Registered: 08/07/11
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
Not sure why age should matter, guess I'm frustrated that I face most issues in my life head on and I did a great job at putting this one on the back burner for a long time, thanks guys!


Top
#377685 - 12/02/11 07:02 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: skidad3]
ozland Offline


Registered: 07/11/11
Posts: 29
Loc: Australia
I'm 44 and only just started with all of the shit..


Top
#377686 - 12/02/11 07:53 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: ozland]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
It all came out for me at age 44-two years ago.

I'd ready gotten sober from alcohol long before, and stopped acting out sexually in my mid-30s-those gave me a strong foundation (or at least stripped away te destructive numbing and escapistist behaviors and restored my marriage) so I could walk thru recovery with my underlying abuse issues.

"it's never too late to start living your life" was a phrase that inspired me. Having support from other men was crucial too.

Know that no matter what you have gone thru
or are going thru, you are not alone.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#377689 - 12/02/11 08:17 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: Mountainous Buck]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
I started at 32.... one of the first people I met here had just started... he was 59 and only a few months from his 60th birthday.

You start when you reach the point that you're able to really begin doing the work... which is different for all of us.

Don't fret about your age, just start digging for a healthier way of life!


Top
#377691 - 12/02/11 08:29 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: skidad3]
BDD Offline


Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 56
Loc: PA, USA
It may feel late, but it is today. No regrets, it is way to hard to deal with. Don't Beat yourself up for starting now. I congratulate you for starting.


Top
#377693 - 12/02/11 08:46 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: skidad3]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
I'm 56 and only started by treatment about 5 months ago. Time late - 42 years so it's never too late to start. Just look at how far you've come - just getting off the druga and booze is a majour accomplishment.

I've found that after talking about the abuse, the shame and embarrasment will get easier but you'll never completely get over it, but it does get a lot easier.

You have an excellent start by telling your wife. Now you need a therapist trained and experienced in dealing with Male CSA. (S)he will be able to help guide you through the tough times.

It will be a long and bumpy road ahead but you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is very dim at the start. Good luck with it.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

Top
#377694 - 12/02/11 09:09 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: BDD]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
There is no time like the present.

My therapist did day be thoughtful about what level we share with our wife and kids. We are their heroes and if not careful this can hurt them in ways too.

Best of luck.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

Top
#377706 - 12/02/11 10:17 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: skidad3]
skidad3 Offline


Registered: 08/07/11
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
Wow, writing this was pretty awesome for me last night, feels like I took that first leap of faith, being sober awhile now is a big part of why i'm finally dealing, Thanks for all the great wisdom!


Top
#377709 - 12/02/11 10:24 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: skidad3]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1617
I was 55 when I started my recovery. You therapist is right for your children, make sure they are old enough to understand. In my case my son was ransacking my computer and phone and found my acting out--strangely he has more information than I do--I don't have the computer data and I am recovering the memories-he would share with my wife his findings and keep going back for more. So his mother was the enabler. Make sure your wife understands and will work with you to heal and tell the children--if she does not want to believe she can damage the children and your relationship with them by saying things she does not understand.


Top
#377714 - 12/02/11 11:32 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: skidad3]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 597
Loc: VA
I hope 42 isn't too late to start, 'coz that's when I started too! At the time, a psychiatrist told me in a ho-hum tone, "Late 30's, early 40's... that's typically when these things come out."

And as I keep reminding myself, since all the freaky symptoms are routine and well known (to health-care people, anyway), that makes the wild ride a bit less personal. Peace!

John


Top
#377718 - 12/02/11 11:56 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: unhappycamper]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1305
CSA is like a virus with a 20-30 year latency period. Like someone quoted a therapist as saying, it is quite typical not to address these issues until well into adulthood.

As difficult as my journey has been in dealing with my past issues (and there is more work to be done), it has also been an adventure of self-discovery. Just because it is difficult does not mean it's all bad. It isn't.

I know myself so much better than I ever have, and I have reached out to that child I blamed all those years ago. I left him sitting in the corner alone with his shame for so long - and reconnecting with him rekindles a inner glow that I haven't known for years. Others I have known see it, too.

Do the work. Walk the path with courage and brute honesty.

Reaching back and holding the child you once were - with forgiveness and love - is the sweetest embrace you'll ever know.

_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#377730 - 12/02/11 01:17 PM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: Chase Eric]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6399
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Skidad: I was 46 when the dam broke and flooded my entire life. It was then that I disclosed. NEVER NEVER NEVER too late to start dude! I'll even say it in my Boston accent: "Nevah!!!"

Do you see how many people have responded to you here? You are not alone in this age bracket.

Welcome to a new world!!!! Own your recovery!

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#377736 - 12/02/11 01:42 PM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: skidad3]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
First, let me say welcome to the club. I’m 40 and am also beginning to deal with my abuse. You would be surprised how many of us guys wait until our age to finally start to deal with what happened to us as kids. Have you read Mike Lew’s book “Victims No Longer”? If not I highly recommend it. In it he says that men often don’t deal with their abuse when they are younger because the memories of it are still too fresh. He says it often takes the distance of decades before we’re finally ready to confront our histories.

Re: worrying about not being able to talk about it give yourself time. Trust is essential to being able to talk about it and that doesn’t come overnight for survivors. I’ll also add that once you start dealing with the abuse it’s next to impossible to put it back in the box you had it in for so many years. In my experience this can be damned scary but it is rewarding to finally begin to work through it rather than always running away from it.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


Top
#377738 - 12/02/11 02:00 PM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: jls]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Not to take this thread off track but the guys here in their late teens + show such balls too.

Great to see young men with real strength and guts taking this on and healing.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

Top
#377740 - 12/02/11 02:21 PM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: BDD]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Welcome to Malesurvivor and recovery skidad,

I was 43 when the memories came back. I was using at the time. I walked away from a marriage and two kids in my mid-twenties. I am still "uncovering" stuff.

I congratulate you for being where you are at.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

Top
#377747 - 12/02/11 02:47 PM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: Avery46]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hi, skidad.

I was 47 - only started 3+ years ago. I think you'll find the majority of guys here were at least in their 30's, but more in their 40's and 50's.

Anyway, welcome, and I hope your time here at MS will be beneficial to your recovery.

Oh, and Rob, you sounded just like a Kennedy for a minute there.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Top
#377771 - 12/02/11 05:21 PM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: BDD]
ACLover94 Offline


Registered: 06/18/11
Posts: 40
Loc: EAST COAST USA
never too late...that is the truth! I believe it, so do all your brothers here...47, didnt think id ever start, but i did and it may actually be beginning to take hold! Faith my brother, faith...

Peace to you all

George

_________________________
George!

Top
#377795 - 12/02/11 09:10 PM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: ACLover94]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Well, i'm 72 yrs young. All this stuff came into my conscious mind back in August of '08. I was 69 1/2 years old. Just why couldn't I have carried this to my grave. I thought. Why now?

Well it is written in the guide book Victims No Longer, by Mike Lew. Credit this line to him.
"Finally try not to berate yourself for not having done this sooner, or feel that the task is hopeless. You couldn't have done it a minute earlier. You simply weren't ready."

I'm glad that I didn't carry this to my grave.

As I never would have met a boy (young Pete), as he just happens to be me.

Wishing you well on your journey to recovery, my fraternal brother, skidad. You are on your way.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#377798 - 12/02/11 09:17 PM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: skidad3]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
I was 50 when it all came crashing down and I have read that it takes men in to their late 30's to 50 to feel safe enough and far enough removed from hard to start dealing with it. I think it is just to much for the body and spirit to hold for that long and it comes rushing out. I don't think it is to late for me I can't think that way or I have already lost.

_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

Top
#377800 - 12/02/11 09:26 PM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: F.A.]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Funny how so many of us describe it as "when it all came crashing down", like life before starting recovery from abuse was one big precarious juggling act. What "crashing down" means seems to have common themes too, if not exactly the same life experiences. For me, like many others recovery from csa and recovery from substance abuse came hand in hand. However, for others it may be something completely different but the result is the same. For one guy I know in my therapy group it was when his dog died a few short years ago. Before this he said he seemingly had it all together but that one event was enough to send him into a tailspin that led to the beginning of his recovery journey, again around the age of 40.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


Top
#377825 - 12/02/11 11:36 PM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: skidad3]
StringsAttached Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 59
Originally Posted By: skidad3
How do I begin my recovery at such a later stage in my life?
and how do I talk in depth without feeling shameful or guilty to my wife?


Hi Skidad,

Welcome. As you can see from the initial responses, some of us get around to dealing with this well into or past our 40s. It will take as long as it takes... but there is hope for recovery and a full life with whatever is left of the grains of sand. Maybe you have a future as a loving grandpa and pillar of strength for your family?

As for the shame and guilt when talking with your wife... You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have already told us that Mrs. Skidad has been supportive so far. If you feel ashamed and guilty, tell her so.

She will probably hold you and hug you and share in your pain and your anger. Believe me, your wife is suffering with you, right next to you.

She knows you well and loves you more than you know (almost all of our wives love us more than we know). You suffered at the hands of someone who stole from you. There is no shame or guilt in that.

Save the shame and guilt for the perp. For yourself, reserve some love... love from yourself for yourself... and accept your wife's love.

You are on the right track.

_________________________
-StringsAttached

Survive, then thrive



Top
#377832 - 12/03/11 12:03 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: skidad3]
skidad3 Offline


Registered: 08/07/11
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
My story is long and there is many things I am still looking at and behaviors during my marriage that I have very little explenation for, although Im starting to see the light a bit clearer these past few months.

Shame and guilt are more because my way of dealing with things has always been face to face, get it done kind of guy.

The responses I got on this post were amazing and I told my wife last night that it felt really good to unload some of this stuff to other survivors, I believe I have truely started my journey into recovering from the wreckage of my youth!

Thanks you all for your kind words, I will be around for the long haul!

Skidad


Top
#377835 - 12/03/11 12:11 AM Re: 42 and just dealing with my abuse now! [Re: Still]
skidad3 Offline


Registered: 08/07/11
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
Love the accent, I'm born and raised Boston my whole life, thanks for the words of wisdom!


Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.