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#377420 - 11/30/11 10:26 AM writing down anxiety
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
as i feel it this very moment.

It feels like a pain inside. From the depth of your gut, it weighs on me. My heart beats strongly, my breathing is accelerated in short and quick bursts of air. All my senses are awaken , i can hear all the noises in the house, the lights are brighter then they should be, but only in my immediate vicinity. The light from the computer screen is absorbing me as I type,, everything else is grey. I close my eyes to get a moments rest, but inside is the same only black. The toughts race in my mind faster and faster , i need every ounce of energy to push them aside so i can write. I walk in the house passing all the familiar things , the kids room, our bedroom, the basement, I pass by the dogs who lift their heads to look at me , observing my body language, but I don't call to them i just walk by and they stay where they are. They Know. I feel dizzy , that sense of doom dominates all others, I am waiting, I look outside, the naked branches of the trees look menacing, like arms with crooked fingers just waiting to grab me if i venture out.
I go over the plan for today. I know it's not gonna be easy, I'm looking for excuses, any excuse to stay in and pace around. I can only force the anxiety down so it doesn't explode out of control. My jaw is tense, it hurts, everything hurts, the tension in my body aches, and my heart keeps beating, i can almost hear it. I light a cigarette to calm me down. I sit and stare at the wall in the garage and manage to not think for a moment, and the smoke in my mouth mixes with the bitterness and the dryness, i gotta brush my teeth to get rid of the taste but I know I won't. I need to conserve energy, i have 5 hours to get myself together for the time i have to pick up the kids at school. I have to feed them, I have to be there for them. In 5 hours I have to be dad.
I don't know why but rubbing my eyes and my face has a calming effect.
And now whoever reads this is gonna think i'm fucking crazy , I hesitate , move the mouse over submit, too late I clicked.

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#377510 - 12/01/11 02:41 AM Re: writing down anxiety [Re: Anthony39]
alone Offline


Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 55
Anthony,
It's 2:00 AM right now and I am going to go to bed but I usually stay up later because I have this notion that I will make it longer until day comes because I sleep in. I can really identify with many of the things you just said above, pacing, rubbing my eyes and face. I have been a dad now for 32 years. I don't have to take my children to school anymore. Time moved on. They are on their own now and I am retired. So when I do wake, everything starts all over again. No, you are not crazy. I've thought of the very same thing about myself. I don't know if this would help but since you have kids in school, spend as much time in their lives as you can if you don't already. Some may not agree with what I am about to say but in some way live vicariously through them if it helps you to forget at least for awhile. Be a kid again through them in a good way. Act silly. I did. It can help. Especially since they won't be in school forever. These following words aren't mine but I heard them in a movie called "Hearts in Atlantis"...."Time and tide wait for no one." If you haven't seen the movie, it's one I suggest strongly. It's set in 1960 with a little 11 year old boy. Exactly how old I was in 1960. It's just a great movie. My point is that life moves on so quickly even though it's the same 24 hour day. Children grow up, we all get older. My brother who is 67 told me 32 years ago when we had our first child..."Spend as much time with them as you can because you will not believe how fast it will go". He was right. I am 62 now. I was abused at 12. I really can't fathom that 50 years has gone by and I can remember events of 1961 so clearly. I keep writing here and am searching for more words of comfort for you. Your children can be a wonderful comfort for you if you let them. You may already know this. Looking back now, I can see that I could have done so much more to involve myself in our children's lives so I do have some regrets. Nothing can be done about regrets. They are past. But the wonderful thing is that regrets can be avoided if we do something to not have them exist in the future. You entitled your post "writing down anxiety". You were very successful in conveying it to me how you feel. You said a cigarette calms you, well, pre>


Edited by alone (12/01/11 02:42 AM)

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#377639 - 12/02/11 12:17 AM Re: writing down anxiety [Re: alone]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
Thanks Ted, I appreciate your feedback. You are right , time goes by so fast. I enjoy every minute i have with my kids. It's not about the big things, just sitting down at breakfast and having a laugh, or watching the same movie for the 100th time because they like it. It's all those moments that are special.
I writ these posts cause it helps me get it out of me. It helps me understand the behaviour, its a snapshot in time of what goes through my mind. You are also right about regrets, nothing can be done about the past. Thanks for taking the time man, I hope you are well bro.
Tony
p.s. you're not alone smile

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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