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#377593 - 12/01/11 04:50 PM I deserve it!
blindpet Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 57
Loc: DK and UK, Europe
So I had two rough days and thanks to whome's suggestion, I snapped myself out of it. I have now chosen to focus on me and doing things for me because I deserve good things to be done for myself by myself. I have chosen to become a healthy person by balancing out my various needs: physical and mental health by eating well and exercising and being social, playing (video games, sports etc), work (writing essays) and recovery (talking to other survivors). I try to do each of those things every day so that when I reflect on my day I have positive things that I can say I have achieved and put them in my positivity/healthy backpack (trying to empty out the shit but it's taking a while ;)).

The last few days of doing this new balance for me thing so that I feel good about myself has been amazing. I have started giving myself hugs to give myself some love and affection (something I have never done). I have been repeating to myself from time to time, 'look you just did something good for yourself because you deserve it' which makes me weep tears of joy. I have spent too long destroying myself with drugs and alcohol, I finally deserve to good to myself and live a happy and healthy life. I am learning to love myself and it feels great because I realize, I never truly have loved myself in the slightest.

Every survivor deserves self-love. The love you receive from yourself is probably the strongest and most fulfilling. When you give yourself love I think you are more willing to receive love from others. Until now I have never felt I deserved love from others and couldn't understand why people even liked me let alone loved me. Now I am discovering how strong and inspirational I am and what I have always offered to other people (kindness, helpfulness) and I can finally see why people want to have anything to do with me (teary-eyed). It feels great, everybody should give self-love and self-hugs smile.

This ends my positive rant, you guys all rock, true men is what you are smile.

_________________________
I didn't fuck it up, but I will unfuck it up. All MS members: Let's all unfuck it up!
It does get better because I will make it better, together we can make it better.

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#377596 - 12/01/11 04:54 PM Re: I deserve it! [Re: blindpet]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
Awesome!! smile

I love seeing posts like this. I, too, struggled with the concept of learning how to love myself. I've been slowly learning how to do it.

One of the things I've decided to tackle is to learn how to control or at least have a healthy relationship with the inner critic inside. No longer will I allow it to just run rampant in my consciousness attempting to destroy and belittle everything in me and in my life.

Loving ones' self is the best thing a Survivor can do for themselves. It opens the door to so much more.

Good going, Brother!

D

_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#377611 - 12/01/11 05:59 PM Re: I deserve it! [Re: Magellan]
blindpet Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 57
Loc: DK and UK, Europe
Glad you agree Magellan. That inner critic is a pain in the ass, and I plan to crush him. We have accomplished so much in life - survival - and that is not to be belittled, rather praised and celebrated!

Thanks for your encouraging words. I thought it was important to contribute this positive post, right now I see lots of hope. Next week I start my trauma counselling and I will get through that too. Because that's what I do, I get through the rough bits. Now I just do it without destroying myself and everything around me. It feels so damn good, like this is why life is worth living.

-Mike

_________________________
I didn't fuck it up, but I will unfuck it up. All MS members: Let's all unfuck it up!
It does get better because I will make it better, together we can make it better.

Top
#377614 - 12/01/11 06:56 PM Re: I deserve it! [Re: blindpet]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
Hey Mike,

I planned on destroying my inner critic too. Until a friend "in program" who is an artist reminded me that artists need the inner critic. D'oh!

I think that everyone has an inner critic. It's part of being human. Now I believe the inner critic in abused people takes over and becomes abusive. For me, now its a matter of learning how to have a healthy relationship with the inner critic, and not destroy it.

The way I'm doing it is to realize who installed it (my mom), and what it keeps attempting to do. For me, my inner critic keeps trying to provoke pity. I'm calling my critic Eeyore (from winnie the pooh).

Seems to be working well so far. When Eeyore gets loud, I acknowledge him, and call him Eeyore. Puts the critic in its right place.

Rock on dude. Thanks for the inspiring words.

D

_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#377616 - 12/01/11 07:13 PM Re: I deserve it! [Re: Magellan]
blindpet Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 57
Loc: DK and UK, Europe
D,

You're right, my mother installed my inner critic as well. I think the problem is we associate criticism with negativity and worthlessness. The truth is, I think, criticism helps us grow stronger, that is, when criticism is constructive and offers room for improvement. The criticism I'm used it is 'you're just shit no matter what you do' so that critic must be silent. The critic that helps us grow and develop to become healthier humans should not be silenced but encouraged.

-Mike
Thanks again for chiming in, maybe you can give your positive critic a name from Winnie the pooh as well smile.

_________________________
I didn't fuck it up, but I will unfuck it up. All MS members: Let's all unfuck it up!
It does get better because I will make it better, together we can make it better.

Top
#377637 - 12/02/11 12:03 AM Re: I deserve it! [Re: blindpet]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
Mike,

Thanks for this conversation.

It has made me see the truth of the Critic. Every human has one. The Critic is necessary for consciousness and self awareness.

Our childhood abuse has caused a dysfunctional relationship with our own internal critic.

The Critic internalized the actions and voices of other people who violated us and our boundaries. MY Critic internalized the pitying behavior and thought systems of my mother. Now, my Critic attempts to correct (that's its job!) and "acts out" by lashing out at me, trying to evoke Pity. Because that is what IT was taught.

But its totally dysfunctional and only hurt me.

Damn damn DAMN! I'm moved.

Thanks again

D



Edited by Magellan (12/02/11 12:13 AM)
Edit Reason: clarity!
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#377647 - 12/02/11 12:38 AM Re: I deserve it! [Re: Magellan]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Mike

It warms my heart to read this post.
I watch as guys come through the rooms (AA) and wait to see when the "lights come on", this is the point where the guy "gets it" and then I know from then on that he is going to be OK, he might slip he might fall, but he gets it, and life will forever be different.
I think I just saw your "lights come on", and I know that it will never be the same for you. Thanks for the post, it makes me want to keep on the good fight for others that suffer this curse in my country. Thanks for the encouragement.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#377653 - 12/02/11 12:56 AM Re: I deserve it! [Re: whome]
StringsAttached Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 59
Hey Mike,

True to your sig... you are unfucking it up. bravo!

_________________________
-StringsAttached

Survive, then thrive



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#377703 - 12/02/11 10:15 AM Re: I deserve it! [Re: whome]
blindpet Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 57
Loc: DK and UK, Europe
Thanks Martin. I must give you due credit for helping me reach this stage. After you suggested to just do anything else, I automatically obeyed and from then on it was improvement after improvement. I realize I'm on a great high right now and as you say, I might fall just like we do during recovery. As long as I remember that I deserve it then no number of slip 'n falls can hold me back. I am more determined then I have ever been to beat something. I do feel like my core values (protecting others, integrity) are fully highlighted and I will live up to those values through my behavior.

Martin do keep on the good fight, nothing is more worth it in my opinion.

_________________________
I didn't fuck it up, but I will unfuck it up. All MS members: Let's all unfuck it up!
It does get better because I will make it better, together we can make it better.

Top
#377705 - 12/02/11 10:15 AM Re: I deserve it! [Re: StringsAttached]
blindpet Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 57
Loc: DK and UK, Europe
StringsAttached, Thank you, I definitely feel like I am unfucking it up. It feels amazing smile.

_________________________
I didn't fuck it up, but I will unfuck it up. All MS members: Let's all unfuck it up!
It does get better because I will make it better, together we can make it better.

Top
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