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#377444 - 11/30/11 03:43 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1389
Loc: California
Dude,

No need to apologize. I am grateful that you posted, and grateful that you are here; because of you, I am reconnecting to myself. That is what made me cry.

Why do you choose to actively beat yourself up so mercilessly? Would you ever talk to another human being the way you talk about yourself? I seriously doubt it.

I can relate to feeling like saying the wrong thing and lashing out. I can choose to bite my tongue instead of lashing out. It's a choice.

You can choose to continue down the path you're currently on (and feel completely miserable), or you can take a risk and choose to do something differently.

I know why you're here. And I think many of us also know why you're here.

It sounds like you've been pursuing help for a while. Seeing a therapist. Anger management classes? PTSD education? You quit when your therapist was trying to help you?

Who's in control of you life right now? Your abuser, or the person who's been reaching out and struggling (and fighting)?

You have the power of choice - every human being does. You have choice, its evidenced in your being here, choosing to join MS, choosing to see a therapist. Choosing to take a class. Choices....

I understand your pain. I also understand that you have the power of choice.

You can dramatically improve the quality of your life by choosing to learn how to think well of yourself, and stop believing the horrible lies screaming in your head.

I can say this with determination and absoluteness because I'VE DONE EXACTLY THE SAME THING YOU'RE DOING. I'm choosing to learn how to love myself, and already my life is improving.

It's your choice.

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#377446 - 11/30/11 04:08 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Magellan]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 02:44 AM)

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#377447 - 11/30/11 04:17 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1389
Loc: California
So, what I hear you saying is that YOU ARE SCARED, and don't want to let anyone close enough to you to get to know the real you.

Good and bad news: The bad news is, you can't recover unless you open up to other people. The GOOD NEWS is that you can choose to open up, you have the power to do so. It's totally within your control and your grasp to open up (to a therapist, to a professional, to us here at MS). Recovery from the hell you are in requires that you open up, let people in.

I agree with what others have told you - please consider therapy, and please consider opening yourself up to the therapist so that you can find recovery. The secrets you choose to hold onto will only destroy you.

Again - the choice is very much yours and the power is completely in your hands. What will you do?

I'll check in tomorrow, hopefully you'll be around, and sober.

D



_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#377453 - 11/30/11 05:18 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Magellan]
Kreecher Offline


Registered: 05/01/11
Posts: 7
Loc: Columbus, OH
I can't speak for other people, but I rarely say nice things about myself. I'm 47 years old and I still feel like a child in the presence of other adults - even some of whom are younger than me. I am fucked up. Safe to say, we're all fucked up and that's why we're visiting these forums or going to meetings.

I will say this: only within these types of groups (online or face-to-face) have I actually met other men who sound JUST LIKE ME. That doesn't necessarily make me feel "better"; but I don't feel so alone as I used to (MOST of my life). Yeah, I still call myself a loser and a failure and a piece of shit and regularly ask myself why don't I just DIE...regularly, like every day.

I feel like Bad Luck Schleprock (remember him from the cartoons?) It's always raining wherever I go, even when the sun is bright in the sky, I've got this rain cloud over my head. People look at me and ask "Why do you have so much trouble? What are you doing wrong? Why aren't you happy like me?"

Well, at least the average person acts that way. The guys in this group and in the support group I'm attending seem to identify with my feelings of failure, low-self esteem, self-destructive thoughts and actions, fears, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, etc. etc.

I feel your pain, brother. I really do. As a praying man, I'll be praying for you as I pray for myself. And if you don't dig prayers, at least know that I'll be thinking about you and sending good thoughts in your direction.

Respectfully,

Gary Z



Edited by Kreecher (11/30/11 05:20 PM)
_________________________
Kreecher
Facilitator
One Sixth Columbus
www.1sixthcolumbus.org

I am not the monster, HE is

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#377456 - 11/30/11 05:25 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Kreecher]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1389
Loc: California
Hi Gary,

You're further along than you think!

Just within the last few months, I've begun tackling this - how do I learn how to love myself?

1st things 1st, I needed to learn about this inner critic inside. Why does it hate me so much and work so hard to make me feel bad? Is it me, or was it planted there by someone else?

Long story short, I've discovered that EVERYONE has a critic inside, but us abused ones - the critic takes over and takes charge and takes over other parts of ourselves that are naturally loving and open. The critic overwhelms.

My critic loves to provoke pity from others, and to provoke pity within. I suppose it is a dysfunctional method of self motivation. It has worked to a certain extent - I'm still alive.

But it doesn't work for me anymore. It only hurts. So I spent the last few weeks really studying my inner critic.

Now my critic has a name - EEYORE (from winnie the pooh). Every time my critic starts getting loud, I acknowledge it and call it Eeyore.

I appear to have found a way to relate to the inner critic within. I hope you find the same.

D

Originally Posted By: Kreecher
I can't speak for other people, but I rarely say nice things about myself. I'm 47 years old and I still feel like a child in the presence of other adults - even some of whom are younger than me. I am fucked up. Safe to say, we're all fucked up and that's why we're visiting these forums or going to meetings.

I will say this: only within these types of groups (online or face-to-face) have I actually met other men who sound JUST LIKE ME. That doesn't necessarily make me feel "better"; but I don't feel so alone as I used to (MOST of my life). Yeah, I still call myself a loser and a failure and a piece of shit and regularly ask myself why don't I just DIE...regularly, like every day.

I feel like Bad Luck Schleprock (remember him from the cartoons?) It's always raining wherever I go, even when the sun is bright in the sky, I've got this rain cloud over my head. People look at me and ask "Why do you have so much trouble? What are you doing wrong? Why aren't you happy like me?"

Well, at least the average person acts that way. The guys in this group and in the support group I'm attending seem to identify with my feelings of failure, low-self esteem, self-destructive thoughts and actions, fears, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, etc. etc.

I feel your pain, brother. I really do. As a praying man, I'll be praying for you as I pray for myself. And if you don't dig prayers, at least know that I'll be thinking about you and sending good thoughts in your direction.

Respectfully,

Gary Z


_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#377459 - 11/30/11 05:36 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Magellan]
StringsAttached Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 59
I found that self-deprecating "humor" was an easy way of getting laughs and it made me feel like I was not elevating myself higher than necessary. But while some of it was not at all true, I believed some of it to be true an dI think I had a hard time knowing the difference.

Someone very dear to me pretty much said "Don't ever talk like that again about yourself to me." She WASN'T saying she didn't want to hear what I had to say. She WAS saying that she knew it to be completely untrue. She knew that the more I said it, the more I believed it.

And so, by trusting her honesty and friendship (not easy for me to do) I agreed... I feel great! At first I had to remember my promise but after a while it got easier and more natural.

Imagine that! I had to train myself not to tear myself down on a regular basis.

_________________________
-StringsAttached

Survive, then thrive



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#377462 - 11/30/11 06:00 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Magellan]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 02:45 AM)

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#377478 - 11/30/11 08:47 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
(((((Limit))))),

I feel your pain and know what it is all about. I too felt it for too many years and never thought it could or would get better.

I know the feelings you have been describing. They are part of a lot of us here and we know how it feels.

I am glad that you have made yourself put your thoughts out here on the board. It takes a lot to be able to do that.

It can get better if you are willing to do the hard and painful work with a therapist trained in the area of CSA. They are trained to guide and help you. A good therapist can be hard to find, but worth the time.

My hope is that you will stay and keep posting and maybe you too will see improvement in your life. It sounds like you have a rough road ahead. But it is worth the effort.

Your postings here have helped my recovery. I remember how bad things were and how far i have come in my recovery. So, you have benefited me.

take care man, you are worth it, even though you can't see it yet. Stay with it and don't give up. Never give up. Things will and can get better, but it is up to you to make it happen.

take care

peace

paul

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

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#377481 - 11/30/11 09:34 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
ACLover94 Offline


Registered: 06/18/11
Posts: 40
Loc: EAST COAST USA
Limit, I feel you bro...i do...Sam is right tho, you aren't feeling "your" feelings, your feeling shit that the scumbags that did this to you gave you...Im no expert, as a matter of fact i so fucked up as you would know if you read my posts that i shouldnt even be talking to you...i cant even help my self, but i do know this...these feelings that you, our brothers here and myself are feeling or have felt arent a direct result of the abuse we all suffered through...i still have the feelings but i know they are not mine. so im hoping for that one day i dont feel them, regardless of how, so you gotta just tell yourself that these thoughts and feelings your having are not you bro...i dont know if any of this helps and i apologize for rambling which i sometimes do, but i am trying...
cause i care...

Peace
George

_________________________
George!

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#377483 - 11/30/11 10:09 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: ACLover94]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 02:45 AM)

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