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#377396 - 11/30/11 07:08 AM dont know why i bother
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 02:43 AM)

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#377401 - 11/30/11 07:51 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
J1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 137
Loc: Missouri
I hear this in my own daily life.....I am so unique...he cannot hold a regular job...he is disruptive in class...must need attention...etc., If I let all that control my inner self, then that empowers all those negative people that truly do not know me, to have authority.

AA, well I
am not a joiner, but I tried several local groups and was immediatly bored and amazed at how the same guys, told the same type storys and rarely had a broad view of the world. It works for a lot of people, and it is worth dropping into different meetings to explore the various dynamics any group might offer. I chose to quit hard drugs, absent any meetings or support...I am stubborn. I never went back to the drugs. You are not the bad guy you seem to think. It is just tough to find healthy, friends on short notice.

For me, I self taught myself photography and painting, and went to every free class and art museum I could find. Much of the stuff is not my cup of tea, but as a very solo, creative man, it inspired me to creative success. I soon met similar folks at various art, cinema and music events. Your words show creative expression and an inner voice that would be perfect for some journaling, short story etc. No one else has to read certain things you write...I keep my own notes, and post in here..as it stands as my comments, and the others are more tolerant of my extreme views.

Start getting physical to blow off the stress...walk in a park...do 100 sit ups...swim, take a martial arts class...these are all spiritually sound, mind/body enhancers..and you can do at your own pace.. And never ever give up....you have a calling, there are people and places you will find and enjoy....just change up your routine...

I do my own thing..and years ago a one percenter biker drove by me, and his tee shirt had this phrase, which I really like...

" IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN, YOU WOULD'NT UNDERSTAND ANYWAY..'

JEFF

Jeffrey


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#377405 - 11/30/11 08:37 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: J1]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 02:44 AM)

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#377416 - 11/30/11 09:39 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
ksequoia Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 92
Loc: NYC
I've heard at AA meetings "We will love you until you learn to love yourself" - which I thought was hokey and condescending. I still hold back on letting many folks know the real me, because I don't like (used to hate) the real me. I know some of the feelings you feel, limit. Maybe not all of them. After awhile, I grew to know who I could trust and who I need to steer clear of. I'm glad I stayed because now I do have friends I can trust and don't push me away. I've always had social anxiety. Not so much when I drank, but I drank to get drunk - not to make friends. I wanted to get drunk to numb all the pains in my body spirit and mostly mind.

I started with a new therapist this week. I am being completely open and honest with her. I'm paying her cash money for help and I don't want to waste a cent. I want to get better. I want self esteem. I want to be creative again. These things can happen, I know it, but I have to be willing and honest for the best results.

I just go to a lot of AA meetings for a daily reprieve on my alcohol addition. I also hear what others have been through, that maybe there is hope for me too. AA is NOT for everyone. It has some religious overtones, but I don't pay that any mind. I listen to what other men have done to get better. I take suggestions and leave the crap I don't want.

And I have made friends. People I can call anytime of the day or night if I'm in a mental jam. I had to be patient with me and patient with others to give this process time to work.

When I got tired of being angry, lonely, and sick, I made a choice to try to get better. Lots of things still suck about my life, but lots of things have improved. My life will never be perfect. Who's is anyway?

AA, therapy, this site - all tools to help me, and all I know about is what's working for me. I thought my case was hopeless.
It was another lie I had told myself for 50 years.

Best,

K.-


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#377418 - 11/30/11 10:18 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: ksequoia]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1448
((limit))

i know you are in a dark place. i wish i could help but i don't know how. but i can say i am here for you any time - as i think most of us here are. as long as you stick around this forum, we'll stick around you.

i can also say that sometimes we end up walking the most difficult paths in life alone - i know i did. some day i may have to again. keep focused on the horizon...

_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#377421 - 11/30/11 10:26 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: ksequoia]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
limit,

Hey man, are you peeking in the windows at me about two years ago? And taking notes? Wow, that is me, you are seriously in my head back then.

The key, limit, is to post in here... MORE. Are you mad? POST Are you sad? POST Are you bored? POST. Yes, meander through wandering thoughts, w/e you are thinking about, but POST. These posts may help you to have good, boring and neutral thoughts in here, and this place becomes safer for you. Not all of your negative thoughts will be here, but soothing, refreshing thoughts will welcome you here, your good thoughts will be here.

Do NOTHING right now, limit. But think about it. If it is good for you, then try it, maybe, a little bit. A single phrase, something like, "I don't feel horrible now", then Submit.

You are fighting thoughts that are not yours, you are not those thoughts limit, someone else made you think them. Take this small first step, please?

Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#377422 - 11/30/11 10:29 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Oh, darn it, I almost forgot...

Hooray!!! You are posting anything, that is more than some can do for themselves. You are, and that is good,
Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#377439 - 11/30/11 02:40 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1428
Loc: California
Limit,

This post made me cry. I can relate to the feelings of low self worth, and the horrible negative self talk. I've had this, and still struggle with this, but it has gotten better.

I'm going to take a little risk here and say this...

I know why you bother. There is a part of you desiring something better for yourself. There is a part of you fighting, even though you feel completely powerless to do anything. There is a part of you that still believes you can have a better life. This is why you bother.

This is why I bothered. I Survived the hell. I fought, even though I said I would give up, and threatened to give up, I still fought. For a while, I was confused as to why I bothered, too. In hindsight, I now see that I was still fighting and still hoping. Some part of me was.

Some part of you is, too.

As others have replied, this negative self talk you are engaged in - It's NOT YOU. It was installed by abuse, by your abusers. There's a piece of you that knows this, and this piece of you is "what bothers".

A part of you is choosing to pursue a path of recovery. It's why you joined MS? That part of you is you. It's obscured and over run by this negative voice that you think is you, but it isn't you. It's the abuse.

You have power here. You can choose to continue participating here, continue reaching out. We're here. I'm here. I'm listening. And I care. I know I care because I cried when I read your post. It hurt to read, and it hurts me to know that you are in the pain that I have been in.

You may think you've pissed everyone off. And you may think that everyone hates you. But I don't see that evidence here. We are here, reading what you're writing, responding with love and compassion, and encouraging you to stick around and do more of what you're doing here.

Open up and share. It's a big thing you can do to empower yourself for a better life. There are other things you can choose to give yourself a better life as well - seeking a support group with others who have the same demons as a result of being sexually abused... and seeing a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse in adults ... and meditation to become more self aware. With awareness comes information. Information is power. Power to change.

You are a self aware human being. You have within you the ability to observe, to learn, to grow. You have within you the power to create the life you want to have. But you have to choose.

You may feel like you can't. But you already are. You're still alive. You're reaching out in spite of the hell you endured. This is the real meaning behind "Survivors". WE survived. Many others did not.

I hope that you find you. You are courageous, and a fighter. You are also very lonely and very scared. I understand. I've been there, and sometimes I still go there.

With empathy,

D

Originally Posted By: limit
dont know how to talk to people everything i say comes out fucking stupid.
nobody can stand to be in the same room with me for longer than five goddamn minutes. i dont
know how to care about people so nobody gives a fuck. which is fair i guess i am just a whiny
bitch about it. i dont know how to be nice . maybe if anybody were fucking nice to me since i was
born i would ""get it"" by now but i dont. i have no idea why i even come here. i just
piss everybody off and fuck up every time i say anything to anybody.
"not a normal guy"
dont like women
dont like men
dont like anything or anyone
not like that matters because i am disgusting anyway
so even if i did it wouldnt matter
every time i try to care about people they throw it in my face every single time nobody gives me the chance to do it my way
so i dont fucking do it at all
my whole life was about trying to be loved by an idiot who wouldnt recognize a feeling if it broke his neck
caring is for losers and ive been a loser my whole life and i am tired of it
it's my birthday lmao i remembered only because someone told me never had a "birthday" in my goddamn life.
everybody makes such a big deal out of it but i dont get it.
went to aa yesterday and as always i fucked everything up.
"look at people when you talk"
"don't talk out of turn"
"don't interrupt"
"say more than two words"
"say less"
"be respectful and don't make fun of people" (i wasnt i jst laugehd when it was my turn but it wasnt even fucking about anything anyway)

ahwhatever. yes i know i suck thanks no really you really fucking reminded me, tank you. at the end "sorry didnt mean to upset you" oh gee, im not upset except i do every fucking thing in my life wrong i cant even get better properly
because nobody fucking gives a fuck and never has and never will
why give soemthing for nothing? i have nothing to offer so who can give anything to me? it is for the best
i dont actually get anything and my whole existence is fucking pathetic and useless and miserable
everybody else is better than me because i am a sack of shit and i always have been.
w/e


_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#377442 - 11/30/11 03:13 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Magellan]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 02:53 AM)

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#377443 - 11/30/11 03:19 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: SamV]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 04:06 AM)

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