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#377396 - 11/30/11 07:08 AM dont know why i bother
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 02:43 AM)

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#377401 - 11/30/11 07:51 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
J1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 137
Loc: Missouri
I hear this in my own daily life.....I am so unique...he cannot hold a regular job...he is disruptive in class...must need attention...etc., If I let all that control my inner self, then that empowers all those negative people that truly do not know me, to have authority.

AA, well I
am not a joiner, but I tried several local groups and was immediatly bored and amazed at how the same guys, told the same type storys and rarely had a broad view of the world. It works for a lot of people, and it is worth dropping into different meetings to explore the various dynamics any group might offer. I chose to quit hard drugs, absent any meetings or support...I am stubborn. I never went back to the drugs. You are not the bad guy you seem to think. It is just tough to find healthy, friends on short notice.

For me, I self taught myself photography and painting, and went to every free class and art museum I could find. Much of the stuff is not my cup of tea, but as a very solo, creative man, it inspired me to creative success. I soon met similar folks at various art, cinema and music events. Your words show creative expression and an inner voice that would be perfect for some journaling, short story etc. No one else has to read certain things you write...I keep my own notes, and post in here..as it stands as my comments, and the others are more tolerant of my extreme views.

Start getting physical to blow off the stress...walk in a park...do 100 sit ups...swim, take a martial arts class...these are all spiritually sound, mind/body enhancers..and you can do at your own pace.. And never ever give up....you have a calling, there are people and places you will find and enjoy....just change up your routine...

I do my own thing..and years ago a one percenter biker drove by me, and his tee shirt had this phrase, which I really like...

" IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN, YOU WOULD'NT UNDERSTAND ANYWAY..'

JEFF

Jeffrey


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#377405 - 11/30/11 08:37 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: J1]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 02:44 AM)

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#377416 - 11/30/11 09:39 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
ksequoia Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 92
Loc: NYC
I've heard at AA meetings "We will love you until you learn to love yourself" - which I thought was hokey and condescending. I still hold back on letting many folks know the real me, because I don't like (used to hate) the real me. I know some of the feelings you feel, limit. Maybe not all of them. After awhile, I grew to know who I could trust and who I need to steer clear of. I'm glad I stayed because now I do have friends I can trust and don't push me away. I've always had social anxiety. Not so much when I drank, but I drank to get drunk - not to make friends. I wanted to get drunk to numb all the pains in my body spirit and mostly mind.

I started with a new therapist this week. I am being completely open and honest with her. I'm paying her cash money for help and I don't want to waste a cent. I want to get better. I want self esteem. I want to be creative again. These things can happen, I know it, but I have to be willing and honest for the best results.

I just go to a lot of AA meetings for a daily reprieve on my alcohol addition. I also hear what others have been through, that maybe there is hope for me too. AA is NOT for everyone. It has some religious overtones, but I don't pay that any mind. I listen to what other men have done to get better. I take suggestions and leave the crap I don't want.

And I have made friends. People I can call anytime of the day or night if I'm in a mental jam. I had to be patient with me and patient with others to give this process time to work.

When I got tired of being angry, lonely, and sick, I made a choice to try to get better. Lots of things still suck about my life, but lots of things have improved. My life will never be perfect. Who's is anyway?

AA, therapy, this site - all tools to help me, and all I know about is what's working for me. I thought my case was hopeless.
It was another lie I had told myself for 50 years.

Best,

K.-


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#377418 - 11/30/11 10:18 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: ksequoia]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1293
((limit))

i know you are in a dark place. i wish i could help but i don't know how. but i can say i am here for you any time - as i think most of us here are. as long as you stick around this forum, we'll stick around you.

i can also say that sometimes we end up walking the most difficult paths in life alone - i know i did. some day i may have to again. keep focused on the horizon...

_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#377421 - 11/30/11 10:26 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: ksequoia]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
limit,

Hey man, are you peeking in the windows at me about two years ago? And taking notes? Wow, that is me, you are seriously in my head back then.

The key, limit, is to post in here... MORE. Are you mad? POST Are you sad? POST Are you bored? POST. Yes, meander through wandering thoughts, w/e you are thinking about, but POST. These posts may help you to have good, boring and neutral thoughts in here, and this place becomes safer for you. Not all of your negative thoughts will be here, but soothing, refreshing thoughts will welcome you here, your good thoughts will be here.

Do NOTHING right now, limit. But think about it. If it is good for you, then try it, maybe, a little bit. A single phrase, something like, "I don't feel horrible now", then Submit.

You are fighting thoughts that are not yours, you are not those thoughts limit, someone else made you think them. Take this small first step, please?

Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#377422 - 11/30/11 10:29 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Oh, darn it, I almost forgot...

Hooray!!! You are posting anything, that is more than some can do for themselves. You are, and that is good,
Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#377439 - 11/30/11 02:40 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1392
Loc: California
Limit,

This post made me cry. I can relate to the feelings of low self worth, and the horrible negative self talk. I've had this, and still struggle with this, but it has gotten better.

I'm going to take a little risk here and say this...

I know why you bother. There is a part of you desiring something better for yourself. There is a part of you fighting, even though you feel completely powerless to do anything. There is a part of you that still believes you can have a better life. This is why you bother.

This is why I bothered. I Survived the hell. I fought, even though I said I would give up, and threatened to give up, I still fought. For a while, I was confused as to why I bothered, too. In hindsight, I now see that I was still fighting and still hoping. Some part of me was.

Some part of you is, too.

As others have replied, this negative self talk you are engaged in - It's NOT YOU. It was installed by abuse, by your abusers. There's a piece of you that knows this, and this piece of you is "what bothers".

A part of you is choosing to pursue a path of recovery. It's why you joined MS? That part of you is you. It's obscured and over run by this negative voice that you think is you, but it isn't you. It's the abuse.

You have power here. You can choose to continue participating here, continue reaching out. We're here. I'm here. I'm listening. And I care. I know I care because I cried when I read your post. It hurt to read, and it hurts me to know that you are in the pain that I have been in.

You may think you've pissed everyone off. And you may think that everyone hates you. But I don't see that evidence here. We are here, reading what you're writing, responding with love and compassion, and encouraging you to stick around and do more of what you're doing here.

Open up and share. It's a big thing you can do to empower yourself for a better life. There are other things you can choose to give yourself a better life as well - seeking a support group with others who have the same demons as a result of being sexually abused... and seeing a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse in adults ... and meditation to become more self aware. With awareness comes information. Information is power. Power to change.

You are a self aware human being. You have within you the ability to observe, to learn, to grow. You have within you the power to create the life you want to have. But you have to choose.

You may feel like you can't. But you already are. You're still alive. You're reaching out in spite of the hell you endured. This is the real meaning behind "Survivors". WE survived. Many others did not.

I hope that you find you. You are courageous, and a fighter. You are also very lonely and very scared. I understand. I've been there, and sometimes I still go there.

With empathy,

D

Originally Posted By: limit
dont know how to talk to people everything i say comes out fucking stupid.
nobody can stand to be in the same room with me for longer than five goddamn minutes. i dont
know how to care about people so nobody gives a fuck. which is fair i guess i am just a whiny
bitch about it. i dont know how to be nice . maybe if anybody were fucking nice to me since i was
born i would ""get it"" by now but i dont. i have no idea why i even come here. i just
piss everybody off and fuck up every time i say anything to anybody.
"not a normal guy"
dont like women
dont like men
dont like anything or anyone
not like that matters because i am disgusting anyway
so even if i did it wouldnt matter
every time i try to care about people they throw it in my face every single time nobody gives me the chance to do it my way
so i dont fucking do it at all
my whole life was about trying to be loved by an idiot who wouldnt recognize a feeling if it broke his neck
caring is for losers and ive been a loser my whole life and i am tired of it
it's my birthday lmao i remembered only because someone told me never had a "birthday" in my goddamn life.
everybody makes such a big deal out of it but i dont get it.
went to aa yesterday and as always i fucked everything up.
"look at people when you talk"
"don't talk out of turn"
"don't interrupt"
"say more than two words"
"say less"
"be respectful and don't make fun of people" (i wasnt i jst laugehd when it was my turn but it wasnt even fucking about anything anyway)

ahwhatever. yes i know i suck thanks no really you really fucking reminded me, tank you. at the end "sorry didnt mean to upset you" oh gee, im not upset except i do every fucking thing in my life wrong i cant even get better properly
because nobody fucking gives a fuck and never has and never will
why give soemthing for nothing? i have nothing to offer so who can give anything to me? it is for the best
i dont actually get anything and my whole existence is fucking pathetic and useless and miserable
everybody else is better than me because i am a sack of shit and i always have been.
w/e


_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#377442 - 11/30/11 03:13 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Magellan]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 02:53 AM)

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#377443 - 11/30/11 03:19 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: SamV]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 04:06 AM)

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#377444 - 11/30/11 03:43 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1392
Loc: California
Dude,

No need to apologize. I am grateful that you posted, and grateful that you are here; because of you, I am reconnecting to myself. That is what made me cry.

Why do you choose to actively beat yourself up so mercilessly? Would you ever talk to another human being the way you talk about yourself? I seriously doubt it.

I can relate to feeling like saying the wrong thing and lashing out. I can choose to bite my tongue instead of lashing out. It's a choice.

You can choose to continue down the path you're currently on (and feel completely miserable), or you can take a risk and choose to do something differently.

I know why you're here. And I think many of us also know why you're here.

It sounds like you've been pursuing help for a while. Seeing a therapist. Anger management classes? PTSD education? You quit when your therapist was trying to help you?

Who's in control of you life right now? Your abuser, or the person who's been reaching out and struggling (and fighting)?

You have the power of choice - every human being does. You have choice, its evidenced in your being here, choosing to join MS, choosing to see a therapist. Choosing to take a class. Choices....

I understand your pain. I also understand that you have the power of choice.

You can dramatically improve the quality of your life by choosing to learn how to think well of yourself, and stop believing the horrible lies screaming in your head.

I can say this with determination and absoluteness because I'VE DONE EXACTLY THE SAME THING YOU'RE DOING. I'm choosing to learn how to love myself, and already my life is improving.

It's your choice.

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#377446 - 11/30/11 04:08 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Magellan]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 02:44 AM)

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#377447 - 11/30/11 04:17 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1392
Loc: California
So, what I hear you saying is that YOU ARE SCARED, and don't want to let anyone close enough to you to get to know the real you.

Good and bad news: The bad news is, you can't recover unless you open up to other people. The GOOD NEWS is that you can choose to open up, you have the power to do so. It's totally within your control and your grasp to open up (to a therapist, to a professional, to us here at MS). Recovery from the hell you are in requires that you open up, let people in.

I agree with what others have told you - please consider therapy, and please consider opening yourself up to the therapist so that you can find recovery. The secrets you choose to hold onto will only destroy you.

Again - the choice is very much yours and the power is completely in your hands. What will you do?

I'll check in tomorrow, hopefully you'll be around, and sober.

D



_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#377453 - 11/30/11 05:18 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Magellan]
Kreecher Offline


Registered: 05/01/11
Posts: 7
Loc: Columbus, OH
I can't speak for other people, but I rarely say nice things about myself. I'm 47 years old and I still feel like a child in the presence of other adults - even some of whom are younger than me. I am fucked up. Safe to say, we're all fucked up and that's why we're visiting these forums or going to meetings.

I will say this: only within these types of groups (online or face-to-face) have I actually met other men who sound JUST LIKE ME. That doesn't necessarily make me feel "better"; but I don't feel so alone as I used to (MOST of my life). Yeah, I still call myself a loser and a failure and a piece of shit and regularly ask myself why don't I just DIE...regularly, like every day.

I feel like Bad Luck Schleprock (remember him from the cartoons?) It's always raining wherever I go, even when the sun is bright in the sky, I've got this rain cloud over my head. People look at me and ask "Why do you have so much trouble? What are you doing wrong? Why aren't you happy like me?"

Well, at least the average person acts that way. The guys in this group and in the support group I'm attending seem to identify with my feelings of failure, low-self esteem, self-destructive thoughts and actions, fears, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, etc. etc.

I feel your pain, brother. I really do. As a praying man, I'll be praying for you as I pray for myself. And if you don't dig prayers, at least know that I'll be thinking about you and sending good thoughts in your direction.

Respectfully,

Gary Z



Edited by Kreecher (11/30/11 05:20 PM)
_________________________
Kreecher
Facilitator
One Sixth Columbus
www.1sixthcolumbus.org

I am not the monster, HE is

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#377456 - 11/30/11 05:25 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Kreecher]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1392
Loc: California
Hi Gary,

You're further along than you think!

Just within the last few months, I've begun tackling this - how do I learn how to love myself?

1st things 1st, I needed to learn about this inner critic inside. Why does it hate me so much and work so hard to make me feel bad? Is it me, or was it planted there by someone else?

Long story short, I've discovered that EVERYONE has a critic inside, but us abused ones - the critic takes over and takes charge and takes over other parts of ourselves that are naturally loving and open. The critic overwhelms.

My critic loves to provoke pity from others, and to provoke pity within. I suppose it is a dysfunctional method of self motivation. It has worked to a certain extent - I'm still alive.

But it doesn't work for me anymore. It only hurts. So I spent the last few weeks really studying my inner critic.

Now my critic has a name - EEYORE (from winnie the pooh). Every time my critic starts getting loud, I acknowledge it and call it Eeyore.

I appear to have found a way to relate to the inner critic within. I hope you find the same.

D

Originally Posted By: Kreecher
I can't speak for other people, but I rarely say nice things about myself. I'm 47 years old and I still feel like a child in the presence of other adults - even some of whom are younger than me. I am fucked up. Safe to say, we're all fucked up and that's why we're visiting these forums or going to meetings.

I will say this: only within these types of groups (online or face-to-face) have I actually met other men who sound JUST LIKE ME. That doesn't necessarily make me feel "better"; but I don't feel so alone as I used to (MOST of my life). Yeah, I still call myself a loser and a failure and a piece of shit and regularly ask myself why don't I just DIE...regularly, like every day.

I feel like Bad Luck Schleprock (remember him from the cartoons?) It's always raining wherever I go, even when the sun is bright in the sky, I've got this rain cloud over my head. People look at me and ask "Why do you have so much trouble? What are you doing wrong? Why aren't you happy like me?"

Well, at least the average person acts that way. The guys in this group and in the support group I'm attending seem to identify with my feelings of failure, low-self esteem, self-destructive thoughts and actions, fears, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, etc. etc.

I feel your pain, brother. I really do. As a praying man, I'll be praying for you as I pray for myself. And if you don't dig prayers, at least know that I'll be thinking about you and sending good thoughts in your direction.

Respectfully,

Gary Z


_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#377459 - 11/30/11 05:36 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Magellan]
StringsAttached Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 59
I found that self-deprecating "humor" was an easy way of getting laughs and it made me feel like I was not elevating myself higher than necessary. But while some of it was not at all true, I believed some of it to be true an dI think I had a hard time knowing the difference.

Someone very dear to me pretty much said "Don't ever talk like that again about yourself to me." She WASN'T saying she didn't want to hear what I had to say. She WAS saying that she knew it to be completely untrue. She knew that the more I said it, the more I believed it.

And so, by trusting her honesty and friendship (not easy for me to do) I agreed... I feel great! At first I had to remember my promise but after a while it got easier and more natural.

Imagine that! I had to train myself not to tear myself down on a regular basis.

_________________________
-StringsAttached

Survive, then thrive



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#377462 - 11/30/11 06:00 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Magellan]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 02:45 AM)

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#377478 - 11/30/11 08:47 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
(((((Limit))))),

I feel your pain and know what it is all about. I too felt it for too many years and never thought it could or would get better.

I know the feelings you have been describing. They are part of a lot of us here and we know how it feels.

I am glad that you have made yourself put your thoughts out here on the board. It takes a lot to be able to do that.

It can get better if you are willing to do the hard and painful work with a therapist trained in the area of CSA. They are trained to guide and help you. A good therapist can be hard to find, but worth the time.

My hope is that you will stay and keep posting and maybe you too will see improvement in your life. It sounds like you have a rough road ahead. But it is worth the effort.

Your postings here have helped my recovery. I remember how bad things were and how far i have come in my recovery. So, you have benefited me.

take care man, you are worth it, even though you can't see it yet. Stay with it and don't give up. Never give up. Things will and can get better, but it is up to you to make it happen.

take care

peace

paul

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

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#377481 - 11/30/11 09:34 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
ACLover94 Offline


Registered: 06/18/11
Posts: 40
Loc: EAST COAST USA
Limit, I feel you bro...i do...Sam is right tho, you aren't feeling "your" feelings, your feeling shit that the scumbags that did this to you gave you...Im no expert, as a matter of fact i so fucked up as you would know if you read my posts that i shouldnt even be talking to you...i cant even help my self, but i do know this...these feelings that you, our brothers here and myself are feeling or have felt arent a direct result of the abuse we all suffered through...i still have the feelings but i know they are not mine. so im hoping for that one day i dont feel them, regardless of how, so you gotta just tell yourself that these thoughts and feelings your having are not you bro...i dont know if any of this helps and i apologize for rambling which i sometimes do, but i am trying...
cause i care...

Peace
George

_________________________
George!

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#377483 - 11/30/11 10:09 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: ACLover94]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 02:45 AM)

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#377484 - 11/30/11 10:22 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Limit,

WOW!! Your sharing touched my heart and soul. I can relate 100%.

Thanks for sharing. Take care!

Hope you write more.

Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#377487 - 11/30/11 10:51 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Avery46]
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
I hate to tell you this, however everything you are feeling is normal. You are not an idiot and you are worth it and so what if you are who you are that's where you are now but that's not where you're going to be forever if you don't want to.

A lot of what you're saying reminds me of me just like some others here have said. I've been here a while and I've acted out before and I've seen lots of others act out. We kick our friends in the shins with our posts to make them back away. That way no one has a chance to get close enough for us to like them 'cause if I like someone that won't last and they'll just hurt me again and leave. But if I get them to leave first then they go on my terms.

I could tell you now that things get better but I don't expect you to believe me. If someone tried to tell me it would get better I don't know if I would believe them... but then again there was no one here to tell me it would get better when I first got here... 'cause I found out that the guys who get better drift away from the discussion board.

All I can say is I'm glad to listen to you.

There was a post slightly similar to this one and I think my reply there may help here:

Things do get better

And for good measure, I'm pleased with a CNN podcast that came out yesterday. When you listen to it please remember I've been where you are but things change.

CNN podcast about sexual abuse recovery

Hang in there Man, we're here for you.


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#377507 - 12/01/11 12:58 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Curtis St. John]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 02:46 AM)

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#377539 - 12/01/11 08:48 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Limit you are doing great the sooner we can get this poison out of you the better you will feel. Remember you are not at fault for this poison so just let it out. I was in your shoes several years ago and had no one that I could vent on. If I could offer one suggestion. It looks like several emotions are attacking at once, just deal with them one at a time. Feel free to vent on my anytime you need to Mike


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#377567 - 12/01/11 01:46 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: mike13]
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Quote:
i guess i dont know nothin abotu this stuff

Who does?

Quote:
when i joined here i kinda thought i was intruding on your space and i just was curious...

Me too! I don't know how long I lurked before I got up the guts to say something.

Quote:
i wasnt abused...there was fucked up shit that happened that was fucked up and wrong and weird and , sex related...

That is abuse.

Quote:
i guess, and i was a kid i guess but i knew what i was doing you know

No you didn't. That's why there are age of consent laws.

Quote:
i was a bad seed. bad apple. bad to the core some people are just born bad?

I don't believe that.

Quote:
i dont know anything about abuse i guess or therapy or "recovery" or any of it...

Neither did I or most of the guys who first come here.

Quote:
i know all about how abuse affects childhood development and how ptsd affects you and what ptsd symptoms are and what complex trauma is and dissociation and blah blah.

Then you're ahead of me when I first got here.

Quote:
i can say definitively: i got beat up a lot. but again, i deserved it.

Bullshit

Quote:
idk where my thouts are going i just realized i dont know anything and im rambling

We've all done that.

Quote:
...and these people are all here trying to help ame and support me and tell me nice things and i dont know what any of it even means

It means they think you're worth it.

Quote:
i not trying to be self pitying or nayhting
though i guess i am having the worlds loneliest pity party
with the worlds smallest violins

yeah, me too. So this shows you do know you're being hard on yourself and that you do have feelings. Look, if you didn't have feelings you wouldn't be here.


When I was stuck like this I would ask myself what I would say to someone like me... I mean, if you saw someone saying the things you are saying I wonder if you would tell them, “Yeah, I bet you deserved to get beat up when you were a kid.” I don’t think so, I think you would be able to relate to them and you would try to help them out.

Man, none of us deserved to get what we got, but here we are. We find ourselves hanging around a discussion board finding support from our brothers… that’s a valuable resource, and if you allow yourself to open up to it, even if you don’t think you deserve it, then eventually something is going to get through and you’re going to start to heal.

You are here and you are talking. That means there is a part of you inside that knows there is something here to benefit from, and that little piece of you knows you are worth it and deserve it.

Keep at it Man, that’s all I can tell you… That, and any work you put into it now is well worth it down the road.


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#377643 - 12/02/11 12:21 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Curtis St. John]
StringsAttached Offline


Registered: 11/19/11
Posts: 59
Curtis, thanks for addressing Limit's post point by point. I have been reading the posts and frankly I thought that I was not real capable of responding... like it was above my pay grade to answer his anguish.

Your responses resonated deeply when I read them and suddenly it doesn't seem like rocket science. You are a great voice on this site, always bringing thoughtful clarity and compassion.

Thanks!

Oh and Limit... what he said. :-)

_________________________
-StringsAttached

Survive, then thrive



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#377661 - 12/02/11 01:27 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: StringsAttached]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 01:37 AM)

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#377664 - 12/02/11 01:38 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1392
Loc: California
I don't understand social interaction either.

I came here to learn how.

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#377667 - 12/02/11 01:43 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Magellan]
George E. Offline


Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 48
Loc: Kent, Washington
limit: I wish I were in the position to share with you some unconditional love, the best I can do is read your postings, chat when in the chat room, and assure you that I will never ever judge you in any way, shape or form. As a human being, you deserve much better than what you have been dealt.


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#377671 - 12/02/11 01:59 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: George E.]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/02/11 02:46 AM)

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#377672 - 12/02/11 02:27 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
i dont know how to condense myself into something palatable for human contact



Edited by limit (12/17/11 05:44 PM)

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#377716 - 12/02/11 11:40 AM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1392
Loc: California
Limit - I read what you wrote before you deleted it - and I hope you caught the lies you wrote to yourself there too ... you said NO ONE wanted to talk to you here anymore.

Really? I'm talking to you, and was waiting to hear from you in PM.

Stay honest and keep talking to us man. You WILL see better days.

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#377721 - 12/02/11 12:28 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Magellan]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/17/11 05:45 PM)

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#377722 - 12/02/11 12:28 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Magellan]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Megellan is right Limit please hang in there I can't tell you when it will start getting much better but I know you are close. Please come to chat when you need support we will be there for you Mike


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#377727 - 12/02/11 12:54 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
All the stuff before the edits is normal. I won't tell you what to do, and I'm happy to listen.

Hang in there.


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#377768 - 12/02/11 05:13 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: Curtis St. John]
ACLover94 Offline


Registered: 06/18/11
Posts: 40
Loc: EAST COAST USA
Limit, I can say this, the last thing you have to do is apologize...bro, this is some crazy shit that happened to us all and has, as P Diddy said in Get Him To The Greek, "mind-fucked" us. And i have to say, Curtis's posts along with all the other brothers...hit home with me. I am somewhat feeling better myself and maybe, just maybe, see some glimmer of light at the end of this Godforsaken tunnel. Anytime you wanna chat bro, hit me up and ill get back to you...
Peace to you all

George

_________________________
George!

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#377776 - 12/02/11 06:02 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: limit]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: limit
just deleted most of what i wrote here because it was embarrassing...


limit, i'm a very old man at 47 going on 100. lol. absolutely nothing is embarrassing anymore. rage. obnoxiousness. dismissiveness. crap. fuck. shit. all par for the course. but to your title - why does anyone bother? i think its a fair question. and that answer, perhaps, will only come from something we'd never post.

_________________________
Jeff

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#377789 - 12/02/11 08:37 PM Re: dont know why i bother [Re: westchesterguy]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/03/11 12:15 AM)

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